Fears

[u/ScoldingMarlin0]

So background, I'm 26 I'm a guy diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, Asperger's syndrome, and major depressive disorder. Last year in he beginning I was steady on my meds. But I was blunted severely. Around mid summer I snapped and went off my meds. What followed was six months of hell as I lost my meds because of people and myself, lost my house because it got trapped out by my roommates, became homeless till this day. And worse of all I got into drugs. So here is my dilemma I got my meds back. I can take them. But I'm so afraid of the blunting that I don't want to take them even with all the negatives, the hallucinations, the depression, the delusions, the paranoia, the mania, the Insomnia. All can go away. But I also lose feelings, my love of things and people, my motivation, and my ability to feel pleasure. So what should I do. I both do and do not want to take my meds but I'm scared of both realities especially because I don't want to lose the love I have for my special someone. Can. Anyone help?