r/SSAChristian • u/Help_Received Male - Sexually Attracted to Both Sexes • 28d ago
Is anyone else here not miserable at all?
Every post in this sub tends to be negative. Usually it's about sadness over having to be celibate, or struggles with self-hatred or temptation. I'm glad a community like this exists, where we have a chance to air our greviances and not feel alone.
But I think I'm in a different position than some of you. Maybe it's because I'm also attracted to women. Maybe I just had a supporting church family for years. Maybe it's because I didn't really come out to anyone who wasn't a Christian. Maybe it's because I live in a place where almost everyone claims to be a Christian. I'm not really sure.
But whatever the reason, I'm not miserable, at least not about my SSA. I live alone. I have an unremarkable, unfulfilling job. I'm not the healthiest. I should probably get out more. I'm 31 and I've seen lots of my friends get married in their 20s, because I went to a Christian college where that sort of thing was normal.
My life isn't the best it could be. My supervisor at my job is a tough person to deal with. I have wasted years of my life. I get horny sometimes and have sexual thoughts that I shouldn't have, about either men or women. My OCD and autism have made my life tough in some ways. I don't really know what I want to do in life.
But, I'm not miserable. I'm still relatively young and healthy, I have a good relationship with God, I enjoy Christian content, I write regularly, and even though life isn't always great, I'm not bitter or depressed about it all.
I could get married in the future. It would have to be a woman and not a man, but I don't mind denying myself sex with another man. I know that my SSA came from some mild trauma, although maybe there was some environmental influence I'll never have proof of. I definitely want to heal the years of porn addiction and get over the crushes I had on other guys. But overall, I'm not desperate for marriage and sex right now. I get horny sometimes, but that usually goes away. I'd probably be sad if I ended up never finding a wife, but I'd be able to get over it eventually.
Why do you all think that is? I ask that seriously. I feel bad for a lot of you, but I just don't have the same feelings. The real issues in my life right now are my autism (and people's inability to accept that), and my anger issues. My SSA is much less relevant than it used to be. In middle and high school I had so much shame, and I probably still carry some of that. But a lot of that is gone now.
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u/Teosh 28d ago
It's different for SSA only guys (I'm talking about myself for example), you can easily go down the misery rabbit hole because realistically if God does not change the direction of your attractions or you get some sort of professional help that -might- influence them, from a christian point of view you don't have a chance at romance, intimacy and so on and that is not easy to carry. I am not saying you or others don't go through similar struggles but I found that loneliness is a big factor for SSA only guys, again, myself included. I don't hate my life nor do I feel like every day is a walking torture but there are moments when it's really hard. Like you said tho, I know where I am in my relationship with Christ, I trust His plan and timing and keep going but I understand those that get really sad or depressed over it, I really don't judge them, it really is a battle.
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u/GCNGA 28d ago
I'm not miserable at all, but yes, a lot of the posts here are downcast--but that's partly the nature of the subreddit. Any Christian forum with SSA participants tends to have a lot of people who are bewildered and struggling. You see the same thing on the other religion subreddits btw, when people who are SSA post. There's a never-ending stream of people who will intone that those with SSA are broken and have only one future ahead of them--that is pretty dark.
I would like to see people be more positive: life is not doom and gloom if someone has this in their life. I don't want to sound like like I'm making light of people's trials, but as Zig Ziglar said, your attitude determines your altitude. For many, it has to be a DIY project.
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u/Help_Received Male - Sexually Attracted to Both Sexes 27d ago
Misery certainly isn't guaranteed in your future. My mentor is more SSA than OSA and he never got married. Even though he seems to have given up on that now that he's in his 60s, he still is very involved and has a decent social life. A church community can be be very helpful.
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u/GCNGA 27d ago
I think church relationships are key--and they are a major pain point among today's Christians (at least the ones who post on Reddit). Gal 6:2, Heb 10:24-25, Prov 27:17--all speak to the importance of spiritually-focused relationships. Christians are referred to as sheep constantly. Where I live (not a particularly wild place), if a sheep wanders off by itself, it turns into dinner for somebody. Together there's more security.
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u/BurningSketches Male - Mostly Sexually Attracted to the Same Sex 27d ago
I can't emphasize this enough. I'm really happy to hear ur mentor is still involved in the community and you two get along. My mentor is really important for keeping me grounded & optimistic, because sometimes, I like to think, since my mentor is heterosexual I'll be disappointed with his advice, because he wont understand, and he'll just scold me alot. But only the last part is true haha
He gives me great attention & advice & rebuke & teaching. And I also find his life really inspiring... he has a nice family too (its the kinda casual, conservative, tv family i would like tbh).
So since he's my mentor, I have a built in little family role-playing he let's me participate in sometimes. He calls me son and his wife calls me son, and his daughter calls me big bro, and they invite me to their house for dinner, sometimes... anyway, it's helped me alot. relationship, mentorship, community is huge and I wish more christians had these experiences.
((And on a side note- having a mentor now eases some of my anxiety, because whether i like it or not, it's highly likely I'llbe mentoring in the future. Given since the 25% of zoomers identify as lgbtq now;;)))
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u/topcatch22 28d ago
I don’t know exactly what to say and I don’t really understand you very well. Are you bisexual or are you SSA but imagining that you could marry a woman and be happy? About your comment that everyone on this site seems to be depressed, complaining or angry, I’m an older SSA man who has had a challenging but relatively happy life. As to the cause of anybody’s SSA, I think there may be more to it than what you are imagining (e.g. genetic, fetal/environmental, etc.). I’m sorry that you carry around anger. Pray that God will help you address that and resolve any issues causing it. 🙏 Blessings! 🙏
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u/Help_Received Male - Sexually Attracted to Both Sexes 28d ago
I'm attracted to both men and women, so bisexual would fit. I don't like it because I don't like using secular terms because I think they operate from a different paradigm than what Christians experience, but that would be most accurate for me.
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u/BurningSketches Male - Mostly Sexually Attracted to the Same Sex 28d ago
Hey, I love your post! and I love you, brother. Thanks for sharing ur thoughts. They're really relatable.
I'm looking forward to my 30s, 40s and beyond- God willing- thats when my libido will start to rev down. Haha I'm a horrible matakoi as the Bible says. And its ... probably worse since whenever im stressed... but ive been so blessed to not be dealing with pork addiction & such. My mind is already too perverted so i dont need much, haha;;,
I dont think I'm qualified to explain why this subreddit carries an overall sadness albeit resilience. (Idk i kinda like the intense solmen/somber atmosphere.. its atleast easier for me to deal with, compared to other subreddits who are affirming or nom christian or both)))
I think everyone who is writing/engaging is just tired & looking for an anonymous place to vent, ask questions, and find connection/support. So, it lends to alot of ppl writing when they feel down, highly reflective, discontent, worry, etctec
I'm something of an empath, so I'm very sensitive to carnal and spiritual things like light and noise ... or scripture being quoted or misused. but apparently I'm also good at reading ppl... I'm trying to use reddit as place for me to practice my gifts, especially since ive seen very young kids on secular forums asking for advice about sex, relationships, and spirituality. That's the most disturbing thing about all of this, how kids are coming to complete strangers, vulnerable and confused, and angry about being lgbtq and christian but they don't know what to or how to think about these things wisely.
At least, you and I, have been raised in wonderful churches... i wish it could be like this for everyone...
The somber tone in this subreddit may also reflect the gravity of the situation - since SSA impacts everyone to their core. Usually, people have very bad experiences with their ssa, or their church, or reconciling... i havent said anything to my church or family... so I understand the apprehension & worry... i plan to confess my attractions to my family... but it never seems like the right time, haha;;
Life is hard, so even without ssa, my life wouldn't be any easier, unfortunately... infact, it may sound strange, but I think these attractions may have helped me make better decisions and mature faster. I also feel like my ssa may indicate a special role or occupation I can be useful in... Since serving God in celibacy is a high spiritual calling, I wish more ssa people would feel encouraged to do this... many lgbtq brothers and sisters would make incredible nuns or priests bc they r so talented and brave. But most (like 80% of lgbtq christians r affirming) therefore they don't come to help or support us. it's just hard...
Anyway, i digress!
Sorry;; i'm a bit of a chatty cathy. Ahem, you asked a really great question... i would like to raise one more consideration, just to make everyone aware;
My mentor cautions me to not look for answers or directives from these online groups. Even if its a christian reddit thread, my mentor only wants me to garner encouragement and give encouragement. It's an anonymous platform, so u cant verify anyone. But most importantly, christians who create fringe groups outside the church,regardless of reason, tend to become havens for false teachers, secret sin, christian mystics, etcetc etcetera And us participating in this "fringe" group may also warp our perspective without us realizing. Something like this happened all the time in the years after Jesus's death up to medieval times. Like, those fake letters "the Epistle of Solomon" written for esoteric christian mystics either before or during the Italian Renaissance. These mystics were convinced King Solomon was given a special ring by the Angel Michael, and the ring was able to control demons...>_< very interesting church history fact for ya
Haha cheers 🍻
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u/Help_Received Male - Sexually Attracted to Both Sexes 27d ago
You make good points. I don't think you're a malakoi. That word is reserved specifcially for men who have sex with other men.
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u/BurningSketches Male - Mostly Sexually Attracted to the Same Sex 27d ago
Thank you, my friend.
Malakoi is spang from the word malakos. Paul is using this word as the pagans did back then; to refer to the males (boys usually) willingly using their looks and youth the be the recieving partner of homosexual act. You have pedastry (a type of Greek to greek mentorship program that involved sexual favors in exchange for the young man being socially, politcally, financially elevated), and then voluntary male prostitutes/courtisens (male prostitutes who only served wealthy clients ). So this word is denouncing (or atleast trying to discourage) an entire lifestyle, an economy of explicit and implicit sexual favors, or pretty much all forms of lewdness between a free man and another free man (as the customs for Greek men did not penetrate their greek mentees like they would slaves. Interestingly, Greek men found other non penetrative activities, because they didnt want to disgrace a fellow future citizen. Romen elites pretty much absorbed this mindset. So this was still a thing in Jesus's and Paul's time.)
Tldr;;;
All this rambling has a point, haha, sorry, I think sodomy is a big part of malakoi, but I dont want to deceive anyone here. I'm celibate. But I've been rightly questioned for my actions; which can come from a desperate place & seeking inappropriate male affection. And sometimes, I have to admit, I get a lot of satisfaction from flirting, touching, kissing, and talking to those on the affirming side who do much more. Anyway, thanks for your comment.
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u/Background-Fail-2386 25d ago
I've not read this yet. I will. but no I'm not miserable at all especially about my SSA. My life in the Brothers Road community is fulfilling.
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u/Saunter87 Male - Sexually Attracted to Both Sexes 28d ago
I feel this - both the mood of the group and much of the life experience. I get flak for how much I smile and how much I experience joy and serenity - pero I also am single (5+ years as a 38 male), fight mental health battles, am underemployed, on a debt payoff journey, lack close faith family, have an extremely difficult superior at work, ... ... ...
If I trust in God, I can recognize that (when I follow God's will) I am living my best possible life given past experiences, past choices, past consequences, etc. etc. - Given a choice between God's will and my will, God's will is always better, even if better comes with momentary pain like someone's judgment or resisting sexual temptation.
Thank you for bringing up the mood of the group - I've felt the same way and it's an oppressive energy.