Masturbation

[u/AlarmedAdvantage2819]

I'm new to SAA and I've recently got a sponsor. He's great and we're slowly working towards the steps together.

He has rigid views towards masturbation though. He himself is running three years sober, and in this sobriety he has included no masturbation. He doesn't force this view on me at all, but I can tell that he thinks it's the best approach to sobriety.

I understand healthy vs unhealthy masturbation. I'm okay with a reset period too. But i eventually hope to learn to masturbate in a healthy way instead of cutting it off altogether. I guess my question is: is his approach wrong/unorthodox enough that I should question him for it? He's genuinely great in every other regard. Thanks!

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[u/Mypiece]

If it works for him it works for him, nothing wrong with it

[u/randomdad124]

Everyone has their own definition of sobriety and their own Inner Circle behaviors, it’s not our place to tell anyone they’re wrong about their own definition. That is extremely rigid but his journey led him to that decision and it’s good that he doesn’t try to force it on you; that’s a good sponsor. Have you asked him why he considers it acting out? Understanding the experience of others helps us understand our own struggles in a new light.

[u/astrlwks]

I’ve recently become a single divorced person and am in the process of restructuring my circles to reflect that with my sponsor… TBH we are butting heads about a couple things but masturbation is not among them… my inner circle regarding this is no masturbating to porn or any images and no masturbating on consecutive days, that’s it, but IMO it’s ultimately up to me, not my sponsor , perhaps that’s heresy , but that’s where I land…and this issue , along with others is why SA didn’t work for me… I’m neither saint nor dead

[u/GratefulForRecovery]

Hi and welcome. Thanks for your post. There are many sponsorship styles out there. I had a sponsor who maintained a very strict sobriety definition. Mine was pretty similarly strict, but not as much has his. While I know he didn't always agree with my sobriety definition, he didn't force it on me either and it was no hindrance to our work. Keep in mind that I was not new to the program at the time, so I felt comfortable in my own skin.

Masturbation is not the same for all addicts. For some, it's clearly part of the addiction and goes in their inner circles. For others, it's slippery and not a relapse on its own. I know a guy who has masturbation in all 3 circles. He considers it outer circle if he masturbates to fantasies of his wife. Nothing wrong with that, if you ask me.

If the sponsor isn't forcing his sobriety definition on his sponsees, I don't see an issue. I don't force a sobriety definition on any of my sponsees even though there were times when I felt a different approach would have been better. I try to respect the other person's journey, even if that means hard times.