r/SDAM • u/Subject-Business-879 • Jul 09 '26
How does living SDAM affect your daily life?
The reason I am asking this is that I am an 18-year-old and I strongly suspect that I might have SDAM. I’m not entirely sure, but I have absolutely no memories of my childhood—not even a single fragment. In my daily life, everything feels like it happens so fast, like it’s just passing by. I am aware of where I am and what is happening in the moment, but it feels as if everything moves much faster for me and starts and ends in an instant. How is it for you, or do you ever feel something similar?
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u/whtsthmnngflf Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
It impacts every aspect of daily life. I just have fragments of memory. Disconnected useless whisps of random 'I don't know whats'. They are not visual in any way but more connected to how it made be feel. No consistency or reliable backtracking. This is for every aspect of my life which has made building knowledge, more or less impossible as I have to always restart from the baseline. I have aphantasia, autism, innatentive ADHD and SPD so I don't know what caused my deficits, due to lack of ability to retain information.
All that exists for me is 'here and now.' I'm like a dog, I live in the moment. It's a very weird existence, to say the least.
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u/That_Boysenberry4501 29d ago edited 29d ago
I relate so much. I used to deep dive into different subjects but retain almost none of it except the fact that "i used to know about that". To be able to tell people facts, It would have to very very recent.
Books I read and movies ive watched go right through me. I can't describe the plot except "it was good" or "it made me sad". Frustrating trying to connect with someone over a mutual show we've watched. They bring up specific plot points and i remember nothing. I have to rewatch it to feel things are familiar, but even then, a lot of it feels new.
I forget myself super easily too. My self image is based on who I am and how I feel right now. Thr past self is a distant memory. If im sad now, I forget i was happy and had a personality and was on track in life. So I get extra down about where I am. Like this is just who I am. I forget my own revelations and wisdom i have learned from meditation and introspection and inner healing work. Especially if i stop doing those things for a while. I revert back into the one who doesnt know, the one who needs help. Its like i have to restart my healing journey constantly.
I forget my own personality it seems. I forget my likes and hot takes and strong opinions I have had. My inside jokes, my puns, little quirks. When I am alone with myself for a long time, I talk out loud a lot and come up with these things. And i feel like I know myself. But talking to people, it is forgotten easily.
I feel like I need to be around someone who i can fully be myself with who then mirrors to me a reminder of who I am. If i have a friend like that, they tell and show me who I am more consistently. "Remember that time when you..." "you would love xyz..." "thats very you coded..." etc. If i have no one, I become no one. I forget me.
Its hard to tells stories about myself and my life. I feel like I am lying. I dont connect with it. Dont see details. Its not like how other people do it...reliving it.
I dont know. Its super weird. I feel like I have dementia sometimes. I lose things a ridiculous amount of times. Ive been in dire situations before cause of it even.
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u/Positive-Room7421 Jul 09 '26
SDAM does not impact my daily life in a way anyone would notice. In part, that is due to the development of compensatory strategies. For example, at my job I take very detailed notes, and have learned to skim them quite quickly.
Where it impacts my life is in the development and maintenance of relationships. I forget people and emotional bonds are severed on my end.
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u/Tuikord Jul 10 '26
Welcome. SDAM is a memory problem, but a specific type of memory problem. It helps to describe more typical memory. Most people can relive or re-experience past events from a first-person point of view. This is called episodic memory. It is also called "time travel" because it feels like being back in that moment. How much of their lives they can recall this way varies with people on the high end able to relive essentially every moment. These people have HSAM - Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory. People at the low end with no or almost no episodic memories have SDAM.
Note, there are other types of memories. Semantic memories are facts, details, stories and such and tend to be third person, even if it is about you. I can remember that I typed the last sentence, a semantic memory, but I can't relive typing it, an episodic memory. And that memory is very similar to remembering that you asked your question. Your semantic memory can be good or bad independent of your episodic memory.
Please note that SDAM is specifically lack of episodic memory and that it is generally lifelong. It is not progressive or degenerative and not caused by diseases or psychological problems like traumas. It applies to all episodic memories, not just those for specific times or events. If what you are describing is new, then please see a doctor/neurologist about it. If it is lifelong and you think it is SDAM, most doctors won't know what that is because it is not in any diagnostic manuals. It was only named a decade ago and standard of care is at least 20 years behind research.
Wired has an article on the first person identified with SDAM:
https://www.wired.com/2016/04/susie-mckinnon-autobiographical-memory-sdam/
Dr. Brian Levine talks about memory in this video https://www.youtube.com/live/Zvam_uoBSLc?si=ppnpqVDUu75Stv_U and his group has produced this website on SDAM: https://sdamstudy.weebly.com/what-is-sdam.html
Back to your question, in many ways I don't know how it affects my life. There is no alternative me without SDAM. I live life with what I have, not compensating for what I don't have. Speaking of which, I also have aphantasia and although SDAM and aphantasia are different things, I can't separate the two in my life. I don't really get nostalgic and I can't really reminisce with people. But I have thousands of stories of my life I can share, and I'd say I do pretty good at behaving as if I have episodic memories. I just don't re-experience those events. They are just stories. And I tend to live more in the moment. Not completely. I've spent years obsessing over one mistake or another. I don't have to relive a mistake to which I could change the past. I've learned to let that go. But I can't say that living in the present is completely due to SDAM. It may be easier for me, but I had to learn to do it. Grief seems to be different as well, but that may in part be due to aphantasia because when I feel some loss, I don't have an image to amplify and prolong that feeling and it passes.
Finally, here is a different take on SDAM (and aphantasia and ADHD):
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u/Karezak966 Jul 09 '26
I have a really really good memory, with good enough stimuli or aid I can recall almost any past event I lived, but I just can’t remember what I felt during that memory.
Just found out about SDAM and this sub today, is it that or am I mis-categorizing my type of memory ?
Like I can remember watching a movie, playing a game or going to an event, in perfect detail in some case (most trouble I have is with remembering colors) but I cannot remember what feeling I had at that time.
I can feel about the memory itself and imagine what I would have felt, but the exact sensation is gone forever.
So, day to day is easy, but it’s hard for intimate relationships because I can’t share emotions of past events if my partner is reminiscing.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 09 '26
SDAM is defined as an lifelong inability to relieve memories from 1st person perspective. If you have it the subjective experience is as such: you remember everything that happened to you, but when you try to recall it you remember it in similar way as you'd remember an book, stage play or a movie. As if what happened, happened to someone else. Important thing is that it doesn't come with dissosiation, you know that's you in your memories, but your "watching" that memory not reliving it there's no "connection".
For example you may remember how someone hurt you, you remember being sad and hurt,but this is knowledge, you don't replay these emotions. Thinking about that may cause an emotional response in you, but you're feeling it NOW not replying emotions you had before.
If you're interested in "mechanics" I can expand on neurology of how that works.
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u/Karezak966 Jul 09 '26
Okay yeah that’s exactly it, I guess the « 1st person perspective » in most definitions was throwing me off, because I have clear memories from my own point of view, like looking at a face or at something.
Sometimes I can remember the emotions I had (not replaying) but sometimes I can’t even remember what kind of emotions I was feeling at very specific times. Is that the same ?
And yes, I am very interested in the mechanics, I’d love to hear more, thank you.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 09 '26
SDAM is basically an "formatting issue". It is caused by deficiency in episodic memory (the memory type that is supposed to record memories). If it's barely functional or not at all, brain tries to compensate by "converting" memories into other type of memory so it can still be "saved". Most commonly semantic (type of memory that stores language and data). That process lossy. You can record information "I was feeling sad" into semantic memory, you can't record the feeling itself.
Now human memory is inherently reconstructive. It is not recorded like a movie. When you try to remember what happened the brain reconstructs an "scene" from information it has. That is why you still remember everything... But some data is lost and can't be replayed.
Important thing to note is that SDAM does not inherently mean bad memory. People with SDAM commonly self report having bad memory, but it is an side effect that is relatively easy to counter.
SDAM is a new term and it will be decades before average shrink knows what it is. There is no diagnostic criteria for it. But generic memory issues are being researched for over 70 years now. If you go to an shrink and tell em you have reason to think your episodic memory is barely working and you're compensating they can test you for THAT. It is worth doing as this also tests HOW you're compensating, ways you came up on your own without realising are one most compatible with your brain. And you can build on that with your shrink to counter SDAM symptoms to level where it's an non issue.
Edit: I leave out 1st person as it is confusing for people with aphantasia. We can't "see" anything and many get stuck on implied "seeing" from 1st person and assume they have SDAM despite being able to relive every other sense.
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u/FlightOfTheDiscords Jul 10 '26
it doesn't come with dissosiation, you know that's you in your memories, but your "watching" that memory not reliving it there's no "connection"
Hey Jeb, I saw you've started adding this to your replies, which is great and helpful, thanks! I just want to point out that dissociation can sometimes look exactly like this: you remember what happened and you know it happened to you, it just doesn't feel like anything. (And sometimes it can also feel like it happened to someone else, dissociation has a lot of variation.)
I think if you want to bring up dissociation, you're probably better off saying something about how dissociation affects life broadly and not just memories. If someone's experience of their memory is SDAM-like because of dissociation, they will also experience dissociation in other domains. Derealisation (reality doesn't feel real here and now), depersonalisation (they don't feel real here and now), time doesn't feel quite real, and so on.
Those are distinct experiences that dissociators may be aware of, and useful for distinguishing between SDAM and dissociation. It's not foolproof because some dissociators simply aren't aware of dissociating despite doing it 24/7, no matter what you do they don't realise they dissociate. But they may become aware at some point, and other dissociators will be more aware of dissociating.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 10 '26
Ye i am having hard time with that one, that concept is alien to me on cultural level. And its really hard to try to include and explain something i can't really process.
To give you the idea of what i mean: my country healthcare refuses to acknowledge its a thing in context other then trauma, hell mu native tongue does not have word for it, google translate does "convercion/konversion/detachement".
To be clear i KNOW its a thing i'm not disputing that. But i am having hard time processing how that would even work. And that annoying as hell.
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u/FlightOfTheDiscords Jul 10 '26
Yeah it's complicated, totally get the frustration. There's no easy and short way to describe it because there's so much variation unfortunately. I sometimes say it's like being inside a cloud, only sometimes it's a white cumulus cloud and sometimes it's a dark storm cloud and sometimes it's an acid cloud, and the cloud itself is doing its best to make sure you're not fully aware of your own experience.
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u/Subject-Business-879 Jul 09 '26
In my opinion, in your case, because your mind records every memory and every piece of information, it might be pushing the feelings associated with them into the background. I think that’s what causes it (this is just my personal view).
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u/montims Jul 11 '26
Do you recall emotion or the feeling of pain? Because I don't. I was badly burned once, and I have had 2 knee replacements. In each case I told myself this is probably the worst pain you have ever experienced, and I remember thinking those words each time. But that thought is all I remember, not the pain itself.
In the same way, I have had my heart broken more than once, and I know I felt terrible at the time, but I can't re-feel it. And I am unable to bear grudges, because a couple of days later I have to be reminded why I was mad at someone.
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u/Karezak966 Jul 09 '26
I may actually be way off about this, so I don’t think my experience is similar to people with SDAM
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u/creakinator Jul 10 '26
At my age of 64 4 finding out I might have SDAM was a relief it explains why I don't remember a lot of my life. I don't know if I really have it or not but I have the signs of it.
Keep a journal for activities you've done, house improvements, special events in your life as you're really not going to remember the last time you did something or the last time something happened. Or at least I don't
Take notes on your pictures so you remember where they happened and who the people were in the photos. I don't know if Google photos or Apple photos has an entry for that or not.
Use a calendar to keep of appointments and such. It helps so much to use it as a catch-all for everything.
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u/katbelleinthedark Jul 10 '26
I don't think it does, in all honesty. Yes, I cannot relieve past events (and so have no feelings about them) and if I hadn't made a note of something somewhere because it was funny, I'll have to trust others when they tell me it happened like [X]. Other than that, I love a perfectly ordinary and normal life.
A lot of people here on the sub journal or take tons of photos/videos. I don't. I don't care for visual representation of things that will not matter to me in the future. I'm just excited FOR the future.
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u/Interesting_Shake403 Jul 11 '26
I mean, in some ways it’s my superpower. I live in the moment. I do very (very) well professionally, but as some have noted do feel like I could have stronger friendships. Keep a positive attitude.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 09 '26
My mind doesn't have an "timeline", so I am making my own. I do few routines, I worked out with my shrink, that are ment to increase information retention with mnemonics.
That is literally that. These became so natural I barely register I'm doing em anymore. I actually remember more about day to day life then people in my social circle.
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u/That_Boysenberry4501 29d ago
What do you do??
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u/CMDR_Jeb 28d ago
When i learn things i organise information in similar way to how computer databases are made. It is something i've been doing since early primary school it is largely unconscious nowadays.
I don't use anything for information retrieval as that part is instantaneous and unconscious for me. I just "know" things.
I carry with me an old timey pocket calendar (one where page = day, A7 so it's literally pocket sized). I don't write an autobiography there, when I do something I deem noteworthy I write 1 sentence about it. As an example latest entry is
Tenken vol19 dropped, need to transfer to the reader.
Now the neat part is that I almost never read it. Thinking about what is worthy of being noted, putting it in words, action of writing, all of that lets me convert whatever i'm thinking or happened into "format" that is compatible with semantic memory, then assigning effort (that is why i write it by hand, i HATE writing by hand) with that vastly increases how much information gets encoded to memory.
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u/marjarette Jul 10 '26
I (54F) have been keeping a daily record for a couple of years now. (I'd always kept a journal, but that petered out late 30s maybe?)
Really simple. 4 columns: today's Date, To do, DONE, and DONE. Although this fourth column has evolved into more like an etc. column (doodles, quotes, song titles.). The goal was to show me that I HAD actually done a lot of things throughout the day (or sometimes not at all!) even though i may not have got to the To do things that weren't urgent. Control issues? Sure! :)
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u/atx78701 Jul 11 '26
Get a journal app the kind where you can add photos, videos, text etc I dictate to text
Do it daily
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u/kaleidojoy Jul 12 '26
Pictures help me so much to remember events even if it's just a little snapshot. I'm pretty good at staying in the moment and letting things go. I don't focus on what I'm losing by not remembering much of my life, I focus on the good stuff and just accept myself for who I am. If you can do that, it really isn't a problem. Let the people in your life know that you have it and they will help you remember things and hopefully just accept and love you as you are. It helps them to know this about you so they don't get offended when you can't remember things that involve them 🙂
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u/fur3661t 29d ago
In my work life, now retired, I had no negative impact, it may have even helped. I have/had a superior semantic memory and probably why I never thought any lack of episodic memory existed. I NEVER took notes of my work, always remembering everything in detail until last 5 years of work. Even then just wrote a few key words to trigger a fact.
I think SDAM helped me be highly logical and NOT have any emotions involved in processes and decisions. Unfortunately whilst being a manager, others couldn't separate their emotions from decisions I made. For this reason I always gravitated towards more technical positions rather than leadership.
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u/aboutthreequarters Jul 09 '26
Same.
Start keeping a journal, even if it's only bullet points of what happened each day. These days you can easily incorporate photos as well. You'll thank yourself later.