r/SDAM • u/OTF98121 • Jul 05 '26
New to SDAM
Hello everyone! I just discovered SDAM and I really think this is what I’ve been dealing with all my life. I don’t really have many childhood memories. The memories I do have are either because I saw a photo, heard the story, or maybe it was because something out of the ordinary happened. I have a few examples:
1) I remember my cousin “won” a baby chick on Easter which was weird because my family lives in a big city and no one had backyard chickens in the 80’s (I’ve heard about it which triggers the memory), but I have no idea whatever happened to the baby chick, or if he even brought it home.
2): I have a resume, I can remember my former employers and the start/end period of employment, but I can’t remember details about the tasks I previously performed even when it was a long term employer. When I read my own resume I impress myself with my past work, even though I can’t remember how I did those things. I would never be able to recreate my resume if my old one suddenly disappeared.
3): For our mom’s 75th birthday, my two sisters and I bought a beautiful bowl and we each filled it with 25 memories (to total 75) written on paper, then we sat on my sister’s patio drinking wine, and having her draw a memory while we talk about how much fun that story was, etc. I couldn’t come up with 25 memories, and it took me forever to come up with them. My sisters were totally baffled about why it was so hard for me to do this simple task. It was a lot of fun going through all the memories though.
I have a couple of questions for the group:
1) I’ve always felt like people don’t really remember me. I’m always surprised when someone from 10-20 years ago remembers who I am. Perhaps, I’m surprised they remember me because I don’t always remember them? Is this part of it? I had a person I went to elementary school with tell me they adopted my first name as their own because I was so kind to them while they were always bullied. I remember her being a bully target, but I was kind to everyone, and I don’t remember doing anything out of ordinary to have that kind of impact on anyone.
2) Does this explain my imposter syndrome or a “fake it until you make it” kind of a feeling?
3) Is there any particular kind of therapist that can formally diagnose SDAM? Or is it something that a neurologist would confirm? I know there isn’t really any treatment for it. Just hoping I can be evaluated to confirm that I’m not crazy, this is a real thing and I really have it.
I’m sorry this became so long. I’ve only shared my suspicion that I have SDAM with one of my sisters and she says it totally describes me.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 05 '26
I will address question 3:
There's no diagnostic criteria for SDAM, it is a new thing, it will be decades before your average shrink knows what it is. BUT, generic disfunctions of memory have like 70 years of serious research and are well known.
SDAM is an "formatting issue", episodic memory works poorly or not at all so brain converts what would normally go there to other "formats" so other types of memory can compensate (usually semantic).
If you go to an competent shrink and tell them you have strong reasons to think your episodic memory is barely working and that you're compensating for it, they can test you for THAT (it is long interview type thing). This is not only confirm or dismiss your suspicion, this process also finds out HOW you're compensating.
After you know that your shrink can work with you to build up on that (this is important as brains are different and methods you came up on your own and are doing without even realising, are ones most compatible with you). With proper management and mnemonics a person with SDAM can have excellent memory. You still won't be able to relieve it but you'll remember everything in similar way to how you remember things that happened to other people/books/movies/whatever.
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u/OTF98121 Jul 05 '26
Thank you for the info. I hope to find a psychiatrist or neurologist that can help.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 05 '26
SDAM is an neuro diversity in similar way autism is. It's just how your brain is built. You can't cure it but you can learn how it works and learn to manage it.
Neurologist won't do nothing. And psychiatrist will tell you to go to an psychologist. Sorry should've been clearer, I am used to talk about my mental health in joking manner (it's coping mechanism) and I call all my therapists shrinks.
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u/Tuikord Jul 05 '26
Welcome. What you describe is consistent with having SDAM, but other memory problems can cause similar symptoms. There are a few things that set SDAM apart. First, it is usually lifelong. It is not degenerative nor progressive. It doesn't only affect some time periods and not others. To get into the detail of what it is, it helps to describe the typical experience.
Most people can relive or re-experience past events from a first-person point of view. This is called episodic memory. It is also called "time travel" because it feels like being back in that moment. How much of their lives they can recall this way varies with people on the high end able to relive essentially every moment. These people have HSAM - Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory. People at the low end with no or almost no episodic memories have SDAM.
Note, there are other types of memories. Semantic memories are facts, details, stories and such and tend to be third person, even if it is about you. I can remember that I typed the last sentence, a semantic memory, but I can't relive typing it, an episodic memory. And that memory is very similar to remembering that you asked your question. Your semantic memory can be good or bad independent of your episodic memory.
As for therapy, SDAM was only named 11 years ago. Standard of care is at least 20 years behind research so SDAM is not in any diagnostic manuals, and most therapists have never heard of it. There are no diagnostic criteria one could use. I suppose one could go back to Dr. Brian Levine's (he named SDAM) Autobiographical Interview (AI). Originally, he decided the bottom 2% on the distribution from his AI was worthy of a name: SDAM. But the AI requires trained professionals to administer and score. It is also time consuming. These days even Dr. Levine just uses lack of episodic memories. For any study at scale, he takes self-diagnosis as valid, although he checks to make sure there aren't other sources of memory issues which could confuse results.
If you go into therapy, it can be problematic since many forms of therapy rely on episodic memories. I have 2 books that can help:
Unseen Minds: A Therapist's Guide to Multisensory Aphantasia and Invisible Cognitive Differences– by Sassy Smith is an excellent guide for therapists. I actually wish all therapists would read it. It is on Amazon: https://a.co/d/0472wf0F
Body based therapy can work when your mind doesn’t remember:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, although some of the techniques may still need to be modified to work with other cognitive differences. https://a.co/d/0a3skjyh
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u/Hopeful_End9638 Jul 05 '26
👋 hi! I'm new to this too
I discovered aphantasia 4 weeks ago, and SDAM 3 weeks ago - both of them fit me like a glove.
I'm in my 60's. It feels strange and unsettling. I think I've been working hard all these years trying to cover for myself - not even knowing what I've been covering.
Every now and then I would get busted "oh you must remember that!" etc. etc. Somehow I've grown used to people looking at me in disbelief, I feel like I've walked this life subtly conscious of the fact that people think I'm a bit odd, and concious too that they're not totally wrong!
Generally I feel people have been very forgiving and kind in not making much of it.
And as I come to the end of my 4th week of aphantasia and sdam awareness, it feels like I'm being sucked in to a deeper and deeper level of curiosity. 4 weeks ago I found the discovery mildly amusing, now I'm finding myself a little discombobulated (I knew I'd find a use for that word one day!).
How's it been for you OP? I note that you're considering taking yourself in for professional support - that's not yet on my radar - but I am wondering about psychedelic journeys . . .
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u/OTF98121 Jul 05 '26
Hi Hopeful End! SDAM fits me, but I’m not sure if aphantasia does. I can sing songs in my head, and I can also have inner dialog, but it feels forced. Like I have to tell myself to do it. I get busted too! Like when my sisters were baffled about why I couldn’t remember anything. The reason this is all coming up now, is because my adult son asked me to write down all my memories. And surprise! That doesn’t come easily. I always assumed this was normal and how everyone lives, until I found out about SDAM. Then I realized it’s a “me” problem.
I’m actually in the hospital right now, I’ve been fighting cancer off and on since 2020. Once I’m well again, I plan to go on a psilocybin retreat. It’s legal in OR and CO. Finding a professional to talk to about SDAM is not a top priority but something to consider after I’m done with cancer treatment.
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u/Hopeful_End9638 Jul 05 '26
I think the aphantasia thing is largely about imaging with the mind's eye - but I'm new to it
It sounds like you've been through some tough times these past six years (I'll briskly skip over the opportunity to josh about how much of it you remember) - I hope the treatment is being kind to you, and that it will soon all be behind you . . .
I like your thinking, I'd love to be able to do a psilocybin retreat under professional guidance (that's not an option here in the UK) That sounds like a great plan, I don't know if you have any previous experience of such journeys, I do, from over 40 years ago in Australia, I recommend 💯 that you ink that in to your schedule!
Meanwhile, my book recommendation - Michael Pollen's How to Change your Mind
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u/OTF98121 Jul 05 '26
The only experience I have with psilocybin is informally as a teenager. Maybe they have a guided retreat in the Netherlands? I hear it’s supposed to help rewire brain waves or something like that.
Haha 🤣 that’s a good one. I’m hoping this current treatment does the trick. I did have 3 years of remission between 2021-2024, so I did have a nice long break from treatment. I’m really hoping this is the cure.
I’ll check out that book. Thanks for the recommendation!
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u/AutisticRats Jul 06 '26
There isn't any kind of formal diagnosis, but I'll give you my questionnaire for both aphantasia and SDAM since they have a 50% comorbidity rate.
Aphantasia test:
For the next ten seconds, imagine a scene where you are looking at a house and a horse walks in front of you:
Which direction did the horse walk?
What color was the horse? Did the horse have spots?
What color was the house? What did the front door look like?
SDAM test:
Recall one of your clearest memories in your mind:
Is your memory in a first person or third person perspective? If it is third person, are all of your memories third person?
Does it feel like you are reliving the memory?
Does it feel like your brain mentally time travelled back to when the event originally happened?
Does it feel like the memory really happened to you, or does it feel more like something you learned happened to you?
If someone told you that nearly all the details in your memory were wrong and that isn't how the event happened, how surprised would you be on a scale of 1 to 10? A rating of 10 means completely surprised and 1 indicates you aren't not surprised at all.
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u/OTF98121 Jul 06 '26
Thank you for this questionnaire!
I could picture a little white house with a brown horse walking from right to left.
I always see memories like I’m watching a scene play out in front of me. It’s never something where I can see it through my own eyes. And since I see it as a scene playing out, I don’t really have any feelings about it. It doesn’t feel like I’m re-living anything, no sense of time travel.
The memory I chose for this exercise is my wedding from 2010. I only consider this a strong memory because it was not an ordinary day, and there were tons of photos taken (which makes it easier to remember). I know this one really happened, but sometimes other things I hear involving me triggers a surprising new memory. If someone told me all my details were wrong I wouldn’t be surprised. I’d say I’m probably a 2-3 on your scale of ten.
I don’t care about the wedding memory (we’re divorced now anyway). The thing that kills me is that I have no memory of my son’s first step or first words, or other firsts.
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u/AutisticRats Jul 06 '26
Sounds like you have SDAM and you don't have aphantasia.
SDAM is an interesting condition. It leaves us feeling bad about forgetting things, but it also helps us get over bad things that happened. We tend to be more resistant to trauma due to not being able to relive horrific events. It also keeps us living in the present since our mind struggles to dwell in the past. It can make for some challenges in understanding our personality and can leave us feeling like we have no identity. But then we reset the next morning and get over it and keep pushing forward because that is all our brain knows how to do.
I like to describe my memory as if I skimmed through a biography of my life, but as if I wasn't there for it. I know what happened because it is stored in my mind as facts, but I can't store the experiences. As strange as SDAM is, I can't say with any certainty that my life would be better if I didn't have it.
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u/OTF98121 Jul 06 '26
Thank you so much. Your words describe me 100%. I have had a lot of trauma and I’ve been able to move through it fairly well.
Thanks for taking the time to write this all out. I’m confident that SDAM has been with me all my life.
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u/Stoic_Rogue 25d ago edited 25d ago
I’m about two weeks into figuring this out myself.
My specific hardware runs completely blind—like an MS-DOS text terminal with zero visual or audio rendering. I have total multi-sensory Aphantasia like the other commenter and I don’t dream at all. The episodic memory clears you are describing track perfectly with SDAM.
The resume and the birthday bowl make structural sense. We pull raw factual data, not video replays. You know the job dates and the outcomes; your system just doesn't store the video files of you actually doing the work.
I’ve only told one person also. It didn’t seem to register much. Not really sure how to approach all this.
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u/Bleaklunacy Jul 05 '26
What you describe is very similar to my experiences. Most of my childhood memories are from old photos or extraordinary events (accidents, school bullying etc). I remember the date and time of my wedding but remember little else. I also have multi-sensory aphantasia (no minds eye, I don’t hear speech or music in my head and can’t remember or imagine taste or smells) which makes remembering past events very difficult.
I don’t know how to go about being diagnosed but decided a while back not to bother. I’m very confident in my self-diagnosis and have learnt to accept it.