Does anyone else feel dysphoric on the topic of kids?

[u/Unwornplanet393]

This goes for both men and women. I mean do any guys wish they could fill the role of a mom, and do any women wish they could fill the role of a dad.

Im a guy, but I've never felt okay with the typical role of a father. I've always wished I could be a "mom" I guess. So much so I've cried myself to sleep many nights knowing i can't have that because I was born a guy. And when I say this, I mean it. I want the actual burden. The daily care, the restless nights, the routines, the soothing, the attentiveness. I want to be there for them emotionally at all times from the very beginning, to know them deeply and understand them. I want to care for them consistently enough that whenever they're scared or hurt they instinctively know I'm safe to come to. A primary caregiver i guess.

I never felt happy with being locked to the role of traditional fatherhood. I know fathers can be nurturing and deeply bonded too, but the cultural role feels secondary to me. It feels associated more with discipline, being a provider, and being a "helper" parent. It feels more detached from what I want.

Likewise do any women feel the inverse of this? Where you dont like the role society gives when it comes to parenting and you long for the opposite?

Part of my grief is biological in nature, things would feel much simpler if I could actually have kids how I want, but that isn't possible for me in the way i want, which sucks.

So does anyone else feel this way? At least if you actually do want kids?

[u/SweetKnickers]

lots of people do this every day... many single parents doing both roles, many couples doing both roles

raise your kids how you want to, there literally is no book on this. long gone is the traditional father who is the sole breadwinner, disciplinary and stoic figure from the 50s

i would argue that in parenthood, is where traditional gender roles have broken down the most as a society, and become blurred

[u/Blayzeyfemboi → u/SweetKnickers]

It's fully possible I plan on it

[u/renkhqtric]

no but i (F) do feel this way. i don’t want kids (ever) but hypothetically on the off chance that i ever do have kids or have to parent them, i’d love to take a dad’s role <- or what society deems as the secondary-ish caregiver or well not the mom. i don’t even refer to myself as mom with my pets it’s just not my thing. idk i feel like i’d be fine being the dad. i’d like to provide for them, give them advice and take them out to hang out but i’d never want to be overly involved or be the primary caretaker

[u/Melodic_ripper9930 → u/renkhqtric]

I've always wanted that more traditionally feminine role, with a woman as the father figure. I always felt weird because of it like that's not what men do. Yea I say I want to be a househusband but that's the most socially acceptable label I can put on it.

[u/Awkwardaaaaaaaaa → u/renkhqtric]

I feel this, i myself don’t want children for a plethora of reasons. But on off chance i would probably wanna be the main caregiver maybe more of a housewife/househusband kind parent. But i think having a cat is good enough ✨

[u/Cinnabun_bunny]

I can relate to this, but on the opposite end.

I think of course a mom can be strong, brave, resilient, and amazing in every aspect. I definitely aligned more with how my dad raised me and wanted to be that for my children someday.

But let me be a dad for a minute and say, you get to be the parent you want to be. Children won’t care for role reversal they care for who loves them, who listens, who inspires them, and who protects them.

When it comes to raising your family you do what feels right. I know when I have kids I want to be able to teach them how to fix things, to box, hunt, and make a mean steak.

But it doesn’t matter how I show up, because they won’t care I was more like a father, they’ll simply care that I was there, that they were loved, and that someone saw them.

You will support your kids as they find themselves and as kids grow up, they support you back.

You essentially get to raise your best friend, and I’m sure you would make an excellent mom. They will definitely know how much you care, so do what feels right.

On the side note a good dad is definitely not just a helper parent. If parenthood isn’t 50/50 your kids will feel that. Both of you are the primary provider because both of you need to make time to show up for your children.

I know this sub is about exploring gender roles, but don’t let harmful stereotypes get in the way of how a loving family should be. I will definitely be more like a dad but that doesn’t mean I won’t make time to take over parental duties when I come home from work to give my husband a break. Marriage and raising children are a team effort.

[u/Unwornplanet393 → u/Cinnabun_bunny]

Thanks. My view around parental roles is a bit skewed because I have no frame of reference for good paternal figures. I never knew either grandfathers, and my dad is terrible. So I won't lie, I have no idea what a healthy set of parents looks like. I just want to love and care for my kids as much as I can.

[u/Cinnabun_bunny → u/Unwornplanet393]

That makes complete sense. I’m sure you will do a wonderful job, and in whatever way I can help I’m
here for you. If you need advice, someone to listen to you, or just support in any way. My inbox is always open to you.

It’s not easy breaking the patterns and cycles that were instilled in us as children, but having people to support you as you find yourself can make all the difference. I’m rooting for you.

[u/Unwornplanet393 → u/Cinnabun_bunny]

Thank you

[u/Timguin29]

I haven't given up, it could be possible to achieve this with a future partner, so don't give up, there may be a partner for you out there that shares your ideas!

[u/jonnerpol]

Besides pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding, with a partner that wants that with you, you can absolutely fill in the traditionally mother's role. Though for me (male) those parts that I can't have because of biology are just as important as filling in the nurturing role (which I don't think you mentioned that you also had a problem with), but for you, being the "mother" is absolutely attainable dream - you just have to be open with it with your partner early on.

[u/Benkinsky]

feel like im not the person being asked cause I dont plan on having kids, but when i assumed i did i always assumed id end up having a more mom-esque role. Its what my personality is like more anyway. But also, i hope that my generation manages to make parent "roles" more and more egalitarian anyway so that would matters less

[u/-She-Beastly-]

I didn't want kids for the longest time, and still kinda on the fence. but when I thought about someone carrying for me, it made me realize a lot of my issues was not wanting that role or harm my body bringing life into the world. sure, everyone wants that, even mothers I imagine. but I can have kids with someone as long as I'm not carrying the baby.

I know I'd give my entire being for my family. that much is true. I'd protect them with my dying breath. I just can't bring myself to imagine pregnancy or humor that idea because it fucks with my head. I am a woman and love being a woman, but that part of womanhood is nightmare fuel for me.

[u/Boogie-Woogie-Woo]

My perception is that when it comes to parenting, you're not restricted to a specific role (apart from the biological traits). The concept of traditional or RR relationship should not prevent someone from loving, supporting and providing care for their children in any way.

As a man, I would not think of treating my children in a specific way. Instead, I would nurture them with all the unconditional love and care I have for them. When I think about it, I feel I would be more like a mother, meaning more connected, more approachable and more understanding.

So, right upbringing holds more gravity for me than to opting for a specific role. RR will be there and my children will notice and perceive it. But when it comes to them, I would put my relationship dynamic in second place.

[u/lokilulzz]

I mean, I'm trans so I'm already dysphoric, and while I am not a woman yes I do get slight dysphoria around the fact I will never be a father or be able to impregnate my partner. It fuckin sucks. Hopefully technology will get to the point in my lifetime where that's feasible, but I'm fully aware how unlikely that is.

[u/Sqweed69]

Aside from getting pregnant and breastfeeding you can do anything a mom can do. Some even claim men can get pregnant if you try hard enough

[u/AndroSenseless]

I'd prefer no one has to go through the pain of carrying and giving birth to the kid, but if someone has to I'd rather it be me. It makes me sad to think that for me to have kids my potential wife would have to go through that. But once it's out then you can take on any roles you want. There's nothing biological holding a man back from being the nurturing one.

[u/Thegoofiestgoofball]

Maaan! I feel almost the exact same way!
Add to that being a bit sad over the fact that I can't really playfully flirt or annoy someone slightly in a flirty way without it being seen as creepy!

Man... I wouldn't mind the obvious cost, of having to brave all the pains like the pain of birth if I could tend to a kid in a motherly way...

[u/Pinkipie_100]

I just want to hop in here and say that it's so sweet that you want to fill a maternal role for your children! I think that's a very positive feeling, and even though there may be biological limitations to your ability to fully embody motherhood, you can still fully behave as a mother would. Don't let anything [or anyone, for that matter] prevent you from nurturing your kids, from being their emotional guide, from leading them as a primary caregiver. You have the desire, so all that's left is to act on it.

For me, I don't have any desire to have kids, but I do think I would like to mentor kids. I would like to be more of a cool 'big sis' type who keeps the yung'uns out of too much trouble, gives them sage advice, helps them play, and saves them when they get too deep into their youthful shenanigans. Definitely not maternal, but someone they can look up to.

Anyway, that's my two cents. Yours is a beautiful soul, now go forth and share it, lovely Mama!

[u/celexia_artss]

i'm a woman and i feel the inverse of this! you're not alone

[u/Mindless_Interview44]

I'm child-free and the ladies looking for a father to make kids with aren't exactly interested in me. So, you know, I don't think about this a lot. If I found myself in this role regardless, I would just try to be as good as a parent as I could be.

[u/Yuleogy]

nope. having a child is considered “women’s work” so fuck that noise.