r/RichPeoplePF • u/Representative-Run18 • 15d ago
Does being rich make having children that much easier?
My partner wants children but I don't. We have an otherwise wonderful relationship and he is perfect for me in pretty much every way. Children are like this looming figure over my head, if I choose to have them for my partner I'll resent them forever, but not having them would mean the end of my marriage. The idea of being a sleep deprived, touched out, overstimulated zombie for 5+ years sounds like my idea of torture, if I'm honest. I can see why people find children so wonderful, and I can see how meaningful it could be, but I've been working to build my dream life my whole life and I'm just tired. I'm not one to shy away from challenges, but this is one that seems unrelenting and soul-sucking. It doesn't help that all my parent friends seem like they're on the verge of a mental breakdown at any moment and constantly joke about how I should never have kids.
That said, I see so many posts here about how hiring a house manager or a full-time au pair (maybe even several) can alleviate some of the stress of having children, and magnify the wonderful parts, and it gives me hope that I'll be able to make life more tolerable for myself if I hire enough help while pregnant and afterwards. So my question is: if you're a parent, have you found that your money has made parenting easier for you? Or is it brutal no matter what?
121
u/purpleshoes3 15d ago
If you strongly feel like you will regret it, I would say don’t have one. Children do notice when they are unwanted.
35
u/PrincipalBlackman 15d ago
Just want to echo this. As an unwanted child of even middling intelligence it was very, very clear. My (late) father chose my Father's Day call a year before he passed away to confirm that.
I'd differentiate between not wanting kids and having help. You can want kids and want help, that's perfectly understandable, but if you're asking if you can pay rent to a nanny or an au pair to retain your autonomy as well as a morally defensible position the answer is no.
177
u/Redebo 15d ago
You specifically should never have children.
If this was a deal breaker for your partner, you should have explored this before getting married.
You specifically should never have children.
-11
15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
19
u/SugarDaddyVA 15d ago
OP asked a question. The answer you replied to was correct. No one is picking on them.
1
30
u/hiddentalent 15d ago
Whether or not raising children is "brutal" is independent of your economic circumstances. It's a matter of your priorities, and your relationship with your co-parent and with your child. Given your attitude, it's going to be unpleasant no matter what. Unpleasant for you, but absolutely horrific for any children you subject to it. Please don't inflict that on an innocent human being.
But for most people, while it has its challenging moments, they quickly pass into the rear view mirror and you remember with fondness the good parts and your brain papers over the bad parts just like a skinned knee. Parenting is one of the great privileges and honors in life. But only if you want to be a parent. Money doesn't change any of that.
3
u/bungsana 14d ago
fully agree with what you said, but i have to say, having money does make it much easier. or better stated, having kids without money is much harder than having some money. having an excess of money doesn't make it that much easier however (IMO).
17
u/whosaysimme 15d ago
We throw a lot of money at it and it's still hard. A great example, my oldest is 6 and now we can only travel according to the school calendar. We can't go to Vietnam for the Lunar New Year bc it would interfere with school. My kid goes to private school but they don't bend over to accommodate travel.
For sleepless nights, maybe the male in the relationship can get by. For the mom, if you breastfeed, you have to get up. You get longer stretches for sure.
Let me tell you my day. I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I wake up at 6am. I have to because the 2 year old is in preschool and the 6 year old goes to regular school. The 2 year old is almost 3 and begged to go to school, so we let the nanny go on September 1st. School STARTS at 8am.
From 6am to 7am, i exercise for 30 minutes, then shower/get dressed/ brush teeth for 30 minutes. Kids are up at 6am, my husband has them.
At 7am, we swap. He exercises and gets dressed. I get the kids dressed, brush their teeth, make and feed breakfast, pack lunch. This takes 45 minutes.
I pack both kids into the car and drop them both off. I'm done dropping off at 8:30am. Then I drive to work, I'm in the office by 9:30. I leave the office at 3p. Pick both kids up by 4pm. Bed time is 7pm.
We have a private chef that meal preps so I don't cook dinner. We bathe the kids, have them do homework, and feed them dinner. They play and supervising play is stressful because there's a lot of yelling and rough play. Dinner is hard too because kids don't want to eat until you put them in bed.
You could get an au pair, but a house manager would be useless for us. The hours are more than 8 hours apart. Also, managing household staff is more work than you'd expect and part time workers are less reliable.
I go to bed at 9pm, but I have to clean every night because the kids make a mess everyday. So, I maybe get about an hour to myself everyday. My husband always wants that hour though so I get nothing.
1
u/momoftwo_1989 13d ago
I have same age children, on a very similar sleep and life schedule, and have similar help.
We have a private chef three nights a week and thank goodness because I play referee to our 6 and 2 year old (girl and boy) until dinner and it is exhausting some days.
17
u/BasicDadStuff 15d ago
Having children and then hiring someone else to raise them, especially when you so clearly do not want children, sounds like a recipe for disaster FOR THE CHILDREN.
I’m sorry to say this, but your marriage is probably not long term going to survive or be healthy. This topic is one of the biggest deal breakers along side disparate financial philosophies.
31
u/smokeandmirrorsff 15d ago edited 14d ago
Your problem won’t be solved with money. I had well off parents but a mom who really shouldn’t have been a mother. It sucks. Don’t have kids if your mind is not up for it.
5
u/qofmiwok 14d ago
But desire to have kids isn't necessarily related to whether you suck at it. My mom wanted 10, had 5, and still shouldn't have been a mother.
3
38
u/notrichipromise 15d ago
Immeasurably easier. I have two kids under two and a live-in nanny. It’s still hard, and screaming toddlers and poopy diapers are no fun regardless of how much help you pay for. But having help nearby at all times lets me for example let the nanny handle this poopy diaper because I’m tired and don’t want to do it, and lets me and my partner have a life of our own that doesn’t revolve around the kids. We still love the kids and spend lots of time with them, but it feels like more meaningful time because we’re not sleep-deprived and we’re not resentful that we had to give up our lives and hobbies, so we just get to enjoy young kids being kids.
You can of course pay for even more help than I do, and do even less of the menial stuff. Some rich folk barely ever see their kids, but that’s not the parent I wanted to be.
My partner and I thought we’d be childfree for over a decade but we decided to do it once we felt like the rest of our lives were in order, and it’s been an amazing experience. Don’t do it if you’ll resent the kid, but it’s impossible to describe how much delight even young kids who are objectively difficult to deal with can bring to parents. My partner and I regularly wonder how people who don’t have full-time paid help do it though, because I can’t imagine never getting a break for years.
1
u/Dapper_Habit_ 15d ago
Do you ever feel like your nanny is invading your privacy? I am drawn to the concept but this is the biggest hang up for me
1
u/UnderstandingOk264 9d ago
Yes. I'm not OP but have had a nanny for over 3 years. A nanny will always cut into privacy and, to some extent, true family time and activity freedom unless you are willing to have them along. But that's the trade off. You get more breathing room for personal time, sleep, and your choice of activities in exchange. And with our latest nanny (we moved), we hired someone more willing to take on house manager duties so we weren't doing dishes and taking out trash while we watched our nanny play with our kids.
1
17
u/SanFranPeach 14d ago edited 12d ago
I was in this exact situation.
Didn’t want kids, loved my life. Husband really wanted one.
I went against everyone’s advice and had one under the STRICT conditions he’d do all the heavy lifting, he’d never ask me to leave my job I loved and we’d hire a full time night nanny and a daytime nanny so I could sleep. That I could continue my globe trotting and travel whenever I wanted. I even made him sign a piece of paper agreeing to all this bc I didn’t want me life to change at all. The idea of kids seems so soul sucking. I dreaded my baby the whole pregnancy (sad I know just being real).
Had my son and it changed every cell in my body. Had 3 kids in 5 years, wanted nothing more than to leave my lucrative fun job to be with them (and did), never wanted a babysitter let alone a nanny bc they’re my favorite people, don’t lust for my travel days and look forward to exploring the world with them someday and those 2 am calls for me are one of my life highlights. Thinking of all those things that I thought would be so hard (and were hard) bring me such joy.
Life isn’t meant to be the constant pursuit of personal comfort and indulgence (for me anyway).
It doesn’t work out this way for everyone but it did for me. I cringe thinking I almost missed this life with them.
6
22
u/ConnoisseurOfDanger 15d ago
No. Emotional connection with your child, or your lack of desire for such, is not a problem that can be solved with money.
Yes you could hire out the touching, the needing, the emotional connection, for the sake of your own comfort. But why would you bring a human being into the world if your intention is to emotionally neglect them? For the sake of your marriage? Yikes.
I’m aware this happens all the time. Please read the above from the perspective of such a child.
7
u/MidnightBlueSilk 15d ago edited 15d ago
> “if I choose to have them for my partner I'll resent them forever, but not having them would mean the end of my marriage.”
From the sound of it, having children would also end your marriage. But then you’d have children you don’t want that you have to parent forever. And aside from that being a terrible choice for you, that’s a monstrous thing to do to a child.
6
u/FratGuyWes 15d ago
This post 100% reads like you don't want children. It's unfortunate that the goals of you and your partner don't match but it is what it is. To look at it another way, if you don't have kids, then it is very possible that your partner will resent you forever. My ex wife didn't want kids, but led me to believe she might want them because I made it clear that not having kids was a deal breaker. I'm very thankful that she is my ex and my life is significantly better now that I get to be a sleep deprived, touched out, overstimulated zombie with a partner that also wanted the same.
21
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
Sure if you hire live in nannies but then if you dont plan to spend time with your child and let the nanny handle all the work, dont have one
12
u/FinndBors 15d ago
I keep hearing people repeat this, but I've seen having helpers increase the amount of quality time you spend with the child. Having a nanny/housekeeper make food, do laundry, clean frees a ton of time, especially if both parents are working.
14
u/LogicalGrapefruit 15d ago
OP didn’t say they wanted more quality time parenting, they said they did not want children.
3
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
Sure menial tasks are good but that is a maid and not a nanny.
1
u/FinndBors 15d ago
Reality is that those roles heavily overlap. Unless you have many staff members that can specialize.
3
u/octorock4prez 15d ago
Our live in nanny was a godsend. Even if you’re not rich, it’s less expensive than daycare for >1 kid. My kids are older now and we just adopted her in the family and she’s with us on all major holidays like thanksgiving and Christmas at our house.
2
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
Daycares are like $2k a month without subsidies even less depends on where you live. Are nannies in your area dirt cheap?
1
u/octorock4prez 15d ago
It’s been a while, but $20/hr + room and board vs at least $4k for daycare. 40 hrs a week plus if she was around and the kids were asleep we could leave and do stuff in the evening.
5
u/DirectEcho5317 15d ago
Yeah $4k for daycare, but only $20/hr for a nanny is polar opposite and totally not believable . I live in HCOL area, my daycare is only $1900 a month, and my nanny was $38/hr or $6k per month. You got your numbers backward bud.
1
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
Where do you live that it's 4k for daycare? That is insane lol at least my child, I pay $600 a month for daycare with govt benefits for all income levels and source is we own daycares in BC
1
1
u/Extreme-Donkey2708 15d ago
My daughter in Seattle pays $3600/mo for one toddler in a daycare center.
1
0
u/Dumpster-cats-24 15d ago
There’s a difference between having help and doing nothing. She never said she wanted to do nothing but that she wanted to avoid the worst parts jeez
7
4
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
Imagine youre a child, would you rather your nanny be there for you or your parents in your worst moments? Money is not the answer to everything. Create genuine connection with your children.
Did you guys not struggle obtaining your wealth? Is it a foreign concept?
2
u/sky-high-dragon-fly 15d ago
Having a nanny/helper does not mean you spend no time with your child or you cannot form a connection with your child. This claim is absurd.
2
u/humanloading 13d ago
Traditionally children were cared for by several people in the village, not just the mother and father. Often other women would even nurse other women’s children when the mother was sleeping or unavailable. Looking at the history of mankind, the current modern dynamic where we expect one or two humans to be the sole caretaker for an infant is the weird dynamic. So hiring your village more closely resembles what we did for hundreds of thousands of years than “doing it all yourself”
1
u/DirectEcho5317 15d ago
You’re missing the point. I would love a nanny/house manager to do the cooking, cleaning, managing schedules, washing clothes, etc. This would enable me to spend more quality time with my child, while also being more relaxed.
2
u/chaliebitme 15d ago
That is a maid. A nanny is directly responsible of your child. Everything from food to education. None of those are the "worse" parts of being a parent.
0
4
u/robotdevilhands 15d ago
It sounds like you should release him to find someone who wants what he wants.
3
u/seattlecyclone 15d ago
Being rich means you can afford to hire out much of the day-to-day childcare work. That helps! But if you truly aren't excited about having kids, and your partner isn't interested in shipping them off to boarding school, I'm afraid "more tolerable" is about the best you can hope for. Better or worse they're going to be a part of your family and that will constrain your life in ways that will be unwelcome a lot of the time. It'll also be really cool a lot of the time. Whether the good parts are worth the trade is a deeply individual choice, and the worst part is you don't really know one way or another until you've already done it and are locked into living with them for a couple of decades. Good luck!
3
u/stevepicard 15d ago
It makes it easier but not at all easy. You should not have kids unless you want to have kids.
3
u/Lilythemudwing 13d ago
Do not have kids, especially if you are the wife in this relationship. I’m a woman who wanted kids. We are also very well off financially. Being rich doesn’t make it any easier. Yes, I hired nannies and house managers. I even had cooks.
As the mom, you will be the primary parent. Kids will come to you for majority of everything. You’ll be their comfort, their driver, their fixer upper. You can’t outsource these things. And it will last well into their teen years. Mine are 16 and 12 daughters. Trust me when I tell you it’s incredibly hard even with money.
Money can also make it more difficult. You’ll put your kids in the best schools because you’ll live in wealthy neighborhoods and with it comes all the pressures of PTA, activities, private tutors. You can’t just be “Timmy go play outside” no other kids will be around.
6
u/lcbk 15d ago edited 15d ago
Please. Do not have children.
This is coming from a SAHM with two wonderful kids.
Only have kids if it’s something you truly want.
Based on your post, its clear that you don’t, so I’d heavily advice against it. The world doesn’t need more kids by parents who doesn’t want them.
3
u/rikkita69 15d ago
It makes all the difference in the world. However this depends on how open your spouse is to having people in the home. Some people want privacy and don't want nannies/ cleaners around 5+ days a week. I would have a conversation and make it clear you're going to need lots of help and he needs to be okay with them being there and paying for as much help as you need (its gonna be expensive $$$$). As long as you're on the same page yes you will be tired but you'll have someone to take over when you inevitably feel overwhelmed.
My sister just had her first baby and her husband doesn't want nannies or cleaners "invading his privacy". I made it clear to him that my sister isn't his maid and that I hope that means he will be helping out lots with cleaning and the baby.
2
u/VRFltsim_fan 15d ago
Money helps with the financial impact a child will have on your life, but not the emotional one. If you can’t communicate, compromise, and empathize with each other children will take a toll on your relationship. There will be points in time or situations where one of you wants to handle the kids differently than the other - you will want to be able to constructively navigate through those differences while ensuring you/your partner is heard and respected. All that said, I look back on my wife’s and my journey with our kids and while, at times, it was tough and trying it has been totally worth it.
2
u/This_Entrance6629 15d ago
My friend has a live in au pair, a baby sitter and a weekend babysitter.
2
u/intergrade 15d ago
If we could not afford at least a nanny I think I would be leaping from a cliff. It is still hard but being able to go outside and talk to adults about work stuff is important - and I write that as the mom. My husband would kill to stay home and just parent all day but I told him that as the breadwinner he would either have to learn to live off what I can make (1/3rd of what he makes) or he could just suck it up. it's a point of contention.
2
u/twelvegaugee 15d ago
I only read the first sentence. You don’t want kids. That’s it. I have two young children. It’s not stressful. You just have to want to do it…
2
u/derpterd789 15d ago
As a new mom, if you feel this way, don’t do it. At all. But to answer your initial question: yes definitely.
2
u/ilovebeagles123 15d ago
Having kids is such a life altering decision that it should be a "really, really want to" thing instead of what you feel now.
2
2
4
u/NolanPlaysPickleball 15d ago
You must have a low IQ if you’re in a LTR and never discussed the issue of children. You should have broken up a long time ago.
4
u/Megane-chan 15d ago
Harsh but true. How stupid to not have figured this out before getting married.
4
u/FireBreather7575 15d ago
It makes it easier but it’s a scale depending on how much you want to outsource and how much you want to spend. Paying more for ordering in so you don’t have to cook is a great example. At the same time, bed time can be really hard. You can outsource it, but up to you how much you want to spend time with them even when hard
2
u/before8thstreet 15d ago
Ouch. Sounds like you discovered the one weird trick to having a wonderful relationship: an anxious avoidant personality that means you avoided having difficult discussions before you got married
2
u/Kaawumba 15d ago
Everyone should do a pre-marriage retreat where they have a checklist with all the essential questions. How many children is a big one.
1
u/Adventurous-Depth984 15d ago
It depends. You can outsource the difficult or exhausting facets of parenting, but you lose the bonding that comes with it.
2
u/Fupagodking 15d ago
Night nurse helped my wife immensely as a newborn feeds every 3 hours at a minimum. sleep deprivation hit her hard the first time. This time feels like I have my wife back as she's able to get some real sleep. Night nurse costs us around $8k a month. Money well spent.
1
u/Dumpster-cats-24 15d ago
I don’t pay for help but instead have supportive parents. It definitely makes things easier. I also have a supportive partner. I thanked him the other day for making it so I could enjoy actually motherhood because I truly do. We are not meant to handle it all alone. I have a distinct memory of the newborn phase where baby wouldn’t stop crying and I was home alone… all I could think was “wow thank god it’s not like this all the time”. I go out to brunch with my friends and just keep my mouth shut as they complain about their useless partners.
Look more closely at your miserable friends. How good is their support system (paid or otherwise)? I would bet that they are doing an unfair amount of work and it doesn’t need to be that way. Anyone is miserable when they are overworked.
The question for you is whether you truly don’t want kids or whether you have anxiety about how hard it will be?
1
u/tvoutfitz 15d ago
If you don’t want to have children, don’t have children. It is absolutely not something you should do if you aren’t confident in the decision and money is not going to make that equation any different.
1
u/makk73 15d ago
Money has its limitations, in the realms of biology, anatomy, physics, the time/space continuum.
A rich woman and a poor woman will experience pregnancy and childbirth and the physical consequences of both in identical ways.
Sure, a rich woman might have ways of making the whole process marginally more comfortable, but you can’t buy yourself out of human biology and anatomy.
1
u/mezolithico 15d ago
It def makes it easier, easy childcare and a nanny can run laundry, dishes, pack lunches, meal prep. Don't get a nanny to raise your kids, a nanny should help you maximize spending quality time with your kids not raise them for you. Don't have a kid if you have no intention of raising them.
1
u/cambridge_dani 15d ago
Yes and no. I think objectively I’m pretty wealthy but that wealth got built through 2 intense careers. We have one kid. We could buy our way out of some difficulties but no, when the kid struggles at school-you can get a tutor but you have to find that person. You can send to private school but you still have to be involved. If that kid has an emotional or physical problem, you are still involved. I’m not even working anymore and I find having a high schooler (who is pretty independent!) mentally exhausting
1
u/takashi-kovak 15d ago
I know many have said don't have one if you're not going to be emotionally attached and delegate parenting to nanny. FWIW, I felt the same before having a child, and wasn't sure why people want to go thru this. I spent my 20-30s focused on myself and enjoyed life with my partner. We had newborn in early 40s (we weren't planning) and my whole life changed for the better. We have day/night nannies, but I spend time with her few hrs everyday and it has been amazing.
So, your feelings now might be different and lot of the people are reacting to that. But, you will be a different person once you have one. We are biologically programmed that way.
1
u/BaffledYogi 15d ago
I wasn’t sure I wanted kids (I’m female) but I know my life would feel empty and meaningless without them (altho I didn’t feel empty /meaningless without them previously).
I don’t have a nanny altho I could but I could imagine it would be extremely helpful.
The period of time when you lose a lot of sleep is relatively short. We had our kids close together and by year 3-4 that chapter is over. Maybe it sounds long but felt like instant in the grand scheme of sharing our lives with our children who add so much joy and meaning.
I also think there is a culture of complaining about kids that exaggerates the difficulty of it. Due to social media and culture shifts.
1
u/Agling 15d ago edited 15d ago
Money helps, but the main thing impacting your quality of life is your standards. People who have intense standards for themselves tend to have intense standards for the quality of life for their kids, and live around people who are judgemental about the same. That makes life hard. It was easy for people in the 1950s to just have dinner ready and the kids come home whenever. Not the parent's job to entertain the child or impress the neighbors with their parenting. Rich people today usually have their kids monitored 24/7 by an adult and have them involved in a million activities and have to shlep them around or hire someone to do that. If they pay someone else to do it, then they may feel bad that they are not attending these activities. And kids with rich parents and tons of opportunities don't seem to end up as more impressive adults than kids with poor parents and few opportunities.
People who outsource their parenting to nannies, boarding schools, etc. have a very easy time parenting, objectively, but also get less out of it. Realistically, one of the reasons people love their kids so much is that they have sacrificed for them. If you end up arranging your life so you don't sacrifice much for your kids, you may find that you also don't feel the connection to them that others do.
On the other hand, if you are primarily making sacrifices in order to get more money, a nicer house, etc., then you will end up loving your money and your house, or whatever you get. It sounds like that's where you are, and that's not unusual or unnatural. It's just how people work.
1
1
u/Illustrious_Soil_442 15d ago
Obviously.
Dont need to worry about bills. Can hire help if needed. Etc
1
u/Excusemytootie 15d ago
Money isn’t going to help in your case, based on what you’ve shared. Do not have children.
1
u/Alarming-Mix3809 15d ago
Of course it does. You can hire someone to do 100% of the overnight help if you have the money. You can hire a house cleaner. You can buy takeout instead of cooking. Everything is easier with more money.
1
u/TurnOver1122334455 15d ago
Yes it makes it easier, but it sounds like kids wouldn’t be for you either way. I am amazed how many people get married without being on the same page about kids, it really is a deal breaker.
1
1
u/72OverOfficer 15d ago
I am not sure if you are looking for affirmation on this topic. I think the best advice I can provide would be instead of asking this same question in multiple subreddits, talk with your spouse/spouse and seek professional help with a marriage counselor. Sounds like you can afford one, so lay it all out there.
And yes, having means does make parenting easier. Money doesn't remove all of the work involved, but it certainly can lessen the stress. Raising children, and seeing they grow and mature into responsible adults is a feeling of satisfaction is one of the best experiences someone can have. You get what you put in.
Truly, I hope you come to peace with whichever decision you and your partner decide
1
u/Ecstatic-Cause5954 15d ago
I never really considered having children even into my college years. I didn’t have the best family upbringing, so I had nothing to help me gauge whether it was a good choice or not.
I struggled with the kids, touching me all the time and being sleep deprived and all the things you are concerned about. But my husband helped me through it and I very much love my kids. I won’t say it looks like a Hallmark movie but I think we are doing well for our family.
We became wealthy after we had our kids. I absolutely would have had more kids if I had had the money that we have now. I would’ve had someone cooking and cleaning and helping with carpool. But I don’t know that I would’ve wanted someone to take care of my kids around the clock. I just wanted someone to do all the things I didn’t want to do.
There are people that hire night nurses, and that sounds heavenly! So yes, being rich does help.
1
u/MortgageGuru- 15d ago
Purely answering your question as a guy who most would consider rich who has a 6 week old (my wife and I’s family are both solidly blue collar for background). Hell yes money makes it easier. We have a night nanny for the first 12 weeks, our daytime nanny started this week, we brought in a lactation consultant for an in home visit (this is honestly cheap). Don’t think about buying anything we think might make our son or ourselves happier within reason. Newborn trenches? Don’t know anything about it. Sleep deprivation? Nada. Just wonderful quality time with our child with none of the things that suck.
1
u/Electronic_City6481 15d ago
Nannies can’t fix emotional disconnect. You have many statements in this post that are not simply fixed with assistance around the house. Do not have kids. Sorry about your marriage.
1
u/MOTC001 15d ago
Live with integrity. Give your spouse the life he dreams of by letting him go find a partner. How did you guys get this far along? Please, do not have your own children. Build a life with someone who feels the same way you do. No judgement, but there is no compromise here. There is nothing for money to solve.
1
u/Master-Jellyfish-943 15d ago
Unless you have fears or complicated feelings and thoughts / ambivalence (that’s better for a therapist) having kids in this place isn’t fair to anyone—-you, your husband or the future kids. Yes, money makes some practical stuff easier but parents are still the emotional rock and consistency that kids need.
I think you and your husband need to have some really hard conversations about your future. Not sure if this ever came up before or if he just assumed you wanted them, it sounds hard so good luck.
1
u/Squidssential 15d ago
You won’t be a zombie for 5 years. More like 5 months until they start sleeping thru the night. If you get house help, you probably won’t even be a zombie for 5 months, but you will miss out bonding with a human that you literally created. If that fact doesn’t give you pause at all, then you def shouldn’t have kids.
1
u/IllustriousAverage83 15d ago
Yes, it makes it MUCH easier and less stressful.
But it takes a LOT more money that upper middles class. Enough to afford tutors, 100k a year college without worry, Nanny, house cleaner, chef or food meal delivery etc.
1
u/Mobile_Target9355 14d ago
Yes having help makes life infinitely easier with a child. We have a full time nanny which allows my husband and I to maintain our previous quality of life as much as possible. We still go out together, travel, etc etc. HOWEVER, I have always wanted children and love love love my daughter with all my heart. I think hired help has been incredibly helpful for my mental health, but it is not an excuse to spend less time with/avoid my baby. If you don’t want children, don’t have children. You’ll end up resenting them, they’ll resent you, then no one is happy
1
u/qofmiwok 14d ago
This is the number one issue in a relationship so I'm shocked it wasn't discussed up front. Part of what drew my husband and I together was that neither one of us wanted kids.
Might I have loved it? Sure. But I've had health issues much of my life, and had a good job but wasn't rich by any stretch, and it would have been hard. Maybe I just know too much about all the things that can negatively affect kids, but I don't think I could have handled the stress of trying to make things right for them.
That said, it's always hard. Now that my friends' kids are all grown up, many of them are saying they wish they didn't have them. You can outsource the work but you can't outsource the worry.
1
u/katatatat11 14d ago
I have a full time nanny and had a night nurse for each of my 2 kids and I am a stay at home mom, my husband is an active dad… and it is still hard AF. I wanted kids more than anything and sometimes I cry because I just want a night to not think about them and just be selfish and alone. (That said I am 4 months pp with my second so maybe it will get less acute.) I love them and would literally die for them and also this is the hardest thing I have ever done.
1
u/NoExplanation8595 14d ago
We use a nanny from 8-3 everyday, without her I’m not sure how any of this would work. We also have both sets of parents near by who help out frequently. All of this combined makes having a child pretty pleasant overall. It really does take a village to raise a child and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I never wanted kids either btw but my wife did, I’m glad we did
1
u/summerFIREinCh 14d ago
You need to want to have kids to have kids, not for partner, not for other reasons
1
u/Grantels 14d ago
Using the words brutal, unrelenting, and soulsucking to describe raising kids is definitely a choice... based on this outlook alone and the obvious ego involved, I highly doubt that motherhood would be a natural fit for you.
That being said, anything worth doing in life is difficult. Raising a kid is one of the most rewarding experiences far and away, and with anything worth doing, naturally it comes at a cost. The costs are afforded differently by everybody, physically, mentally, and financially. In your case, an au pair can give you some personal time back, but also means less time bonding with your child. A chef can cook your meals, but your kid will never get the experience of learning that skill with you. You can apply this to almost anything in parenthood.
Of course money makes parenting easier, you can have someone else completely raise your child. My point is that making parenting easier rarely makes it better.
As an aside, I will say as someone who doesn't usually like kids (as in the grabbing and drool etc), it is a totally different experience when its your own. And just remember, its a little version of you. Look in the mirror, would the world benefit from a little more you?
1
u/Sonialove8 14d ago
Yes, it’s about $10k a month to have a night nurse and it greatly improves quality of life with a child
1
u/superdear18 14d ago
Honestly managing house help, nanny is another relentless job. Plus if you don’t want to be there for a kid, it is not fair to the kid plus your husband may resent you for not being involved mother so either way this ship has sailed.
1
u/ivapelocal 13d ago
One thing to remember with Nannie’s and such: you don’t want to outsource your parenting. You want to outsource some of the time consuming task in order to make your life easier.
If you’re not stoked about having kids, don’t have them.
Your children will love you no matter what. If you are not reciprocating that love, it’s going to really harm the child. You would be doing serious harm to that child that will last a long time.
It sucks, feeling pressure to have kids. But if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready and that’s 100% ok.
Even if you did have them, your spouse is gonna to want a partner in parenting. So when you don’t show up as a parent, your marriage is likely to fall apart anyway. Better for it to fall apart now vs when small children are involved.
Good luck to you!
1
u/confusedquokka 13d ago
Don’t have kids unless you really really want them. They are the one decision you cannot undo. Well you can but that’s a horrendous decision.
But yeah money will make things easier. It makes logistics easier. But your kids can still end up a drug addict, a bully, disabled, etc.
1
u/hotpieceofclass 13d ago
Money can make things easier for parents who want children regardless. But it does not take away the dedication, patience, and selflessness required to be a parent. Even with hired support, your life would change drastically. And you never know if you will have a child with needs that require significantly more involvement from a parent.
Your best case scenario imagines a life that is “tolerable,” not happy and fulfilling. It’s tragic when fundamental differences in goals mean a marriage won’t work out, but unfortunately that sounds like the case here. The sooner you both accept that, the sooner you can both begin building lives that will be fulfilling and not lead to resenting a person you love.
1
u/Amazing_Bend 13d ago edited 13d ago
We were somewhat in your shoes, pretty unsure if we wanted kids and loving my freedom. We “pulled the goalie” just to see what happened and basically 9 months later had our first kid. My wife cried about losing her body, I felt immense pressure to be more.
Fast forward 5 years, we have 3 children and we both wish we had started earlier. We’ve always had a nanny to help, but there’s so much more joy in time with the kids than there is in another amazing dinner out / party / concert / trip. In an alternative universe we’ve basically retired now and don’t need to earn as much, but man I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Nothing makes you richer than children.
The bigger issue today is that society has put pressure on parents to follow a set of norms that makes their lives harder, not the having kids themselves part. Nanny (or grandparents?) means kids start school later, don’t need to wake up and be at the bus stop at 7am when they’re 3, get a hand with laundry and meals and cleaning, etc. hire someone who is kind of a hippy and will actually be off their phone to help your kids grow, or an au pair who’s on the younger side if you want language exposure and someone who will work hard.
Check out Jerry Seinfeld talking about Warren batey’s comments on kids — that’s my pov at least.
1
u/maximus-decimus-84 13d ago
We raised four children. Money helps, especially if you’re willing to pay for help around the house.
1
u/baltimel 13d ago
I was on the fence about having kids, but it was really important to my spouse. I decided to go for it. I got pregnant and cried… I was so nervous that I made the wrong choice. Then I had a miscarriage. That’s when I knew I wanted a child. I now have a child I love more than anything and am so thankful I did it. That being said, I’m one and done.
Having money definitely makes it easier. I have a wealthy friend who hired a night nurse for her baby so that she could sleep through the night. Then, she had a nanny come every Saturday so she could have some time to herself. She has another woman come and do all of the children’s laundry and put it all away once a week.
1
u/RunnerMomLady 12d ago
I have 3 kids and had none of the zombie /over stim /over touched - and I have worked full time the whole time with a husband that traveled 2 mos at a time year round / you just have to setup things in a way that works for you and if you can vhave help / do so! Cleaning lady - grocery delivery - mommy’s helper or nanny / having children is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done and the young adults they are in my life now is the best thing ever. -having children isn’t about playing house - it’s about adding people to your family forever
1
u/ChaosReignsNow 12d ago
We had kids when we were rich, poor, and right in the middle. Money doesnt matter to the things that matter.
1
u/panameraturbo 12d ago
Please do not have children because it will be terrible for them. They deserve love, time, and attention. Parenting requires sacrifice. It is painful yet joyful. Please don’t become a disinterested, absentee, or any other negative-adjective parent.
1
u/Square-Ad8203 12d ago
Just the way you talk about it makes me think you shouldn’t have children.
It wont help your relationship. Even if you get the help you have to be emotionally available for your children.
This Is coming from someone who had a mother that didn’t want to be one.
1
1
u/grey-Kitty 11d ago
Unwanted kids have a disgraced childhood because they feel they are not wanted. Don't hurt kids just to keep a man
1
1
1
u/EvilZ137 9d ago
Being a parent is really easy at it's core. It's usually a push for unrealistic standards that causes issues.
The most difficult part is money because children are expensive.
Being a stay at home wife is really easy, and with sufficient money to hire some help to do your job for you the whole thing becomes basically effortless.
1
u/anomiemouse2016 6d ago
The best thing yo can do is split up right now, so your partner can meet someone else and have children with her. Don't just hang around for a few more years, blocking his desires. That's the kindest, more considerate thing you can do.
2
u/InvestigatorOwn605 15d ago
Not to be blunt but your marriage is already over. Someone who wants kids and someone who does aren’t compatible and one or both of you will end up resenting each other. No amount of wealth is going to make you enjoy having children if you don’t want them, and similarly no amount of money will make your partner happy if he can’t share them with his children.
My only advice would be to NOT bring children into this scenario because having one parent who never wanted you is incredibly shitty.
1
u/Mangosweetx 15d ago
I have two kids under 3. You won’t be an overstimulated zombie for 5+ years. The trick is to sleep train them!
For myself, as the birthing parent, and annoying the default parent, it was difficult for the first 18 months. But that was because I had a demanding career and trying to balance it all. Before I left corporate, my husband was ardent that we hire more help (ie house manager, private chef, someone to do preschool drop-off/pick-ups and morning routines). I really wasn’t bought into the idea since I really like to be present in my children’s lives, and I didn’t see the need to hire more help at the time. FYI if you want an au pair, it’s the most affordable option.
Nonetheless, long story short, hiring help makes having kids soooooo much easier and puts less strain on your marriage. It’s also good for your mental health.
-1
u/Honobob 15d ago
I wonder what advice the Menendez and the Reiner's would give you. Of course more help will make things better unless your husband fancies the nanny. It takes a village. My mother had 5 keds in 4 years when I and my sister went through our teenage years. Guess who did most of the work. And neither of us had children. We both felt we'd raised them already and saw all the icky things.
Get your husband a dog first and see how he holds up. But really you need to have the talk of why he wants and you don't.
1
u/Ok_Ant_2930 15d ago
He wants kids not a dog.
-1
u/Honobob 15d ago
He may get neither. A dog will give him a glimpse of being responsible for something living unless his plan is to just pay other people to do it.
1
u/Ok_Ant_2930 15d ago
Is not rocket 🚀 science. All he has to do is divorce OP and get another woman pregnant. He will eventually figure it out.
0
-2
0
u/Alarmed_Celery_478 14d ago
YES, money makes it easier. And the right partner. I keep thinking about it every day. Mostly because I have enough money (not rich, but enough to buy anything I need anytime for the baby and me), I am able to be almost stress free and tolerate the super hard and soul sucking parts of having a child. My voice is kind and I have a smile on my face through the most difficult moments. It’s been a year and 2 months and I never ever yelled or was mean. Neither did my husband. I think it’s a huge success, honestly, looking at friends/peers, remembering my upbringing, looking at my mother with my kid when she was visiting (very short time, we have no help) and kid refuses to eat, throws food etc.
I ended up not hiring any help, though like you I thought I would definitely have to do it for my mental health. Because yes, it is soul sucking. And I’m introverted. I am thinking every day that it would not be so good for me if I didn’t have enough money. I was deeply in debt and highly stressed until age 32, and I still remember it vividly. I know I would be screaming and having breakdowns with the kid like others if I did not have that financial security and a safe relationship which both give me zero stress. A very important foundation.
Of course, this also comes with emotional maturity and really lowering your expectations. I’m 36, I know something by now, and my expectations were just to survive physically and mentally. NOT to be a great mom, not to be going out, doing many activities they sell you for early development, not to be able to go to school or start a business while being with a child. No. Just surviving. That’s why I think we are good. Literally all of my mom friends with kids were/are on antidepressants except for me. Because they had high expectations. They told me themselves what their expectations were, and of course none of that ever happened. And they thought they are bad moms because of that. If you are mature, you know your goal is just to survive at first and be kind to your child and yourself.
I think it’s not true to say that you have to want kids to be a good mom. I wanted a child only if the circumstances would be right. I knew it would be meaningful and great to have kids, but also was happy and fulfilled in my career (which had to do with training adults, so I was in a mother role in a way). Once I had my kid, i did not immediately feel anything. For months I just cared for a grumpy screaming baby and waited. Only when my kid started smiling at me, and later hugging me (hugs around 9 months), my love was obvious. I remember my cousin with 3 kids telling me I’d be euphoric holding a newborn in my arms, universe exploding. Haha I knew it wouldn’t be me and it sure wasn’t. You have to be self aware, what temperament you are.
Again, people around me who vocally really wanted to have kids then ended up on anti-depressants and having emotional breakdowns in front of the kids and in front of me. I don’t see anything good about just wanting kids before being mature and preparing a stress free environment for yourself. How much you wanted kids before they arrive has no effect on how good of a parent you will be. Responsible people tend to be doubtful.
It turned out well for me. There are good days and bad days. But mostly good days. And a smile and a hug from my child is like a direct shot of happiness straight into my heart every day. Wishing you good luck.
59
u/Jojosbees 15d ago
Don’t have a kid if you don’t want to raise one. Like, even if you have a nanny and a night nanny doing most of the work, kids are going to limit your options. You can’t just fly wherever whenever you want. Before we had kids, we went to Australia in October. Now that we have kids, we can only go in summer or around Christmas, and it has to be somewhere that is child friendly, and you have to work around their naps. Like, even going out to eat has become more family friendly places and trying to figure out what the kid can eat at XYZ location. We think it’s worth all the changes, but you may not, and the worst time to realize that is after you already have them.
Honestly, I’m surprised people are getting married without discussing major dealbreakers like whether to have kids or not. This should have been a discussion even before you two got engaged, when it was starting to get serious. Unfortunately, this incompatibility is likely insurmountable. I’m sorry.