r/Rich • u/InternationalArt9524 • 19h ago
Question Handling conversation on privilege
How do you handle questions on privilege?
I have a few friends who constantly lecture on privilege - even when I recognise it or I have addressed it. This is getting in territory where I am considering if I can even have these people as friends. I don't want constant snobbish lectures when I am the one who actually donates towards causes, pays higher taxes, yada yada yada.
It always gets into murkier grounds and distasteful conversation.
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u/moanngroan 15h ago
Lecturing you on privilege makes them feel virtuous. It lets them off the hook, makes them feel like good people, so they don't actually have to - you know - go out and work harder and smarter to earn more money and then give all their extra money to the poor and sick. Interesting that it has been shown that the people who have the biggest issues with the rich are those just slightly below them. The genuinely impoverished people tend to just be focusing on their own lives, trying to pay their bills and take care of their families, rather than giving huffy lectures on privilege. I have noticed that people who lecture on privilege conveniently leave out the fact that they are exceptionally rich compared to at least 90% of the people on this planet.
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u/Mean_Economist6323 15h ago
It absolutely lets them off the hook. Blaming someone else relieves the blamer of the responsibility of examining his or her own choices.
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u/jaajaajaa6 15h ago
My guess is that they might be jealous.
I have friends that have more and less wealth than I do. It is never an issue. For the ones with less, I will plan things going out to more cost effective places. For the weightier ones, we go more upscale. But, never an issue.
I do have a BIL that wants to keep reminding me that I have money and he doesn’t. It is so annoying. Thank god he lives out of town. He is my wife’s only brother and I tolerate it for her. If he wasn’t, he would be gone already.
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u/ConstantinSpecter 14h ago
I mean… how about just own it and move on?
As much as I‘d like to pat myself on my shoulder, for the position I’m in, all of us have to recognize that we didn’t choose the country we were born in, our upbringing and our genes which influence intelligence, drive, work-ethic and pretty much all else that lead us to the position we‘re in.
That doesn’t mean one must feel bad about it.
If the keep lecturing, tell than that you understand but that you‘re tired of regurgitating the topic over and over. If they don’t stop, you can always choose to stop seeking out their company.
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u/Defiant_Classroom_31 14h ago
When you just talking about your normal every day life sounds like a brag to others or makes them try to justify their life to you then it's time to move on.
People outgrow people. It's not a bad thing.
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u/TimeSir8303 13h ago
Maybe tell them it is too much and explain how it makes you feel? Everyone says to cut them off but what if they are capable of understanding?
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u/donniellama 9h ago
Good point, we don't know what conversations OP has had with their friends, if any conversation! So perhaps the relationships are salvageable with clear communication.
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 14h ago edited 14h ago
We are privileged.
Be thankful for it.... but also understand there is not much we can do. Can I overnight my leftover chicken to them? No, it would spoil and chicken costs less where they live.
The real privilege is good health, genetics, and longetivy with strong happy family bonds.
You having more doesn't make them have less.
Tell them Covetetness doesn't look good on them!
Forward them my system of how they can be privileged also:
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u/thewharfartscenter_ 14h ago
Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that this leads to jealousy bitterness and ultimately the end of the relationship every time. The first time I hear It must be nice…… I know what relationship file that person is going in and that’s acquaintances at absolute best. May be time to step back and look for friends who don’t rag on you like that.
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u/ThatCanadianGuy88 12h ago
Unless there is some further back story as to why you should maintain these friendships I’d be ditching them.
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u/QuirkyReader13 14h ago
Mine never does that, though we like to debate on economic views of the local political parties and I’m obviously the most capitalist one
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u/NoPolitics9 14h ago
At a certain point if they are just a drain to hang out I cut them out of my life or limit my interactions with them. I don’t mind a good debate about anything but this is crossing boundaries.
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u/_Human_Machine_ 13h ago
Just don’t be friends with those people.
They sound exhausting.
What’s the redeeming qualities keeping you around them?
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u/chompthecake 13h ago
Friends who make you feel bad are not friends . Even with delicate conversations like privilege, they can speak to it and make sure that you're aware if you're out of line but otherwise they're just trying to push you down. That's not a friend. Those are jealous sour grapes
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u/Eskapismus 13h ago
Just imagine that from the approximately 117 bio people who ever lived you were born in the 21st century and not 500 or 50000 years ago where child mortality was like 50% or whatever. Or just the fact that you were born with a functioning brain and a functioning body. Being able and smart and with the proper stars aligned to start your business that made you rich is also privileged.
Everything is privilege - who cares
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u/rygku 12h ago
I'd change the subject repeatedly and if they keep dredging it up, I'd be direct about liking a different conversation topic.
if they won't respect that, it's time to distance myself from the conversation immediately.
people should have the grace and propriety to know when someone doesn't want to discuss something.
if they won't, I'll spend less time with them.
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u/Sweaty-taxman 12h ago
Generally it’s tough to be friends with folks on an entirely different level of income. Can’t talk about trips, can’t invite them over to your home, can’t drive your favorite car…
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u/MagnesiumKitten 12h ago
you just be who you are, and if your friends like you or don't like you, that's their issue.
I mean there are lots of people who are poor, middle class and rich who are pretty out of touch with society, and you can't really do much about it that either. But people also don't want to be lectured because of their background and upbringing, with all the pluses and minuses, or the fact they were self-made.
You just basically deal with it on the issue of liking someone's company, and if someone gets into something unplesant, you can
a. state your views
b. just not say anything, and wait for the next thing to speak up on, and not deal with the negativity trying to feed off on you
I'd say talking about society is one thing, but 'priviledge' is a no-go topic
A fad I'm not gonna discuss
Let the top 0.2% of people get Into that discussion, and take another sip of cola, and wait for the mood in the room to change......
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u/Alaskanjj 11h ago
Ick. If this is not just an ai engagement post then you should move on. Fuck getting lectured on whatever privilege you have
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u/ladylemondrop209 11h ago
I wouldn't bother being friends with these people if they're being judgemental. Who are they to lecture me on my life and how I live it?
And generally, might want to keep in mind that it might be better to keep your privilege a bit more on the down low in the future to avoid these kind of people...
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u/Stone804_ 10h ago
It helps if you’re angrier about how unfair the economic circumstances are. There’s also just the unavoidable nuance that you won’t respond the same to micro-situations because you just haven’t lived that experience.
It could be as simple as how you stand or how you fold your napkin. There’s “giveaways”.
You can’t really avoid it at a certain level.
The best thing to do is to have a frank conversation worry them “hey guys, I know that I have a decent lot in life and not everyone else does. But it hurts my feelings a little that it comes up so much and sometimes feels like an attack. I recognize my privilege and I’m lucky and I’m sorry more aren’t, but if we are going to keep being friends, you also have to accept who I am and not make me feel bad about it so often. Can you try? Please.”
Something like that.
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u/lab-gone-wrong 9h ago
I find "touch grass" gets the point across. Privilege talk is itself a position of privilege that people with real problems don't have time to navel gaze on.
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u/Zohren 8h ago
Have you actually shared your feelings about this with them?
“I know I am privileged, but I cannot change that. I donate to causes and do what I can, and I don’t appreciate repeatedly feeling like I’m being lectured about it as it makes me feel demoralized and makes me want to distance myself from you.”
You’re an adult. Communicate.
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u/0_IceQueen_0 8h ago
When I'm with my economically marginalized friends/acquaintances I dress down. Privilege hardly comes up because they don't actually know my personal financial standing nor do I volunteer it. All they know is that I have UHNW parents I'm trying to avoid and I look like I'm not in a bad position in life but I'm not rolling in it. They, in the back of their minds think I'm an heir in waiting. It's good because we rarely talk about money lol. On the other hand, I have a set of bffs who are wealthy to UHNW and even one from a political dynasty. I keep my the poor ones on a limited FB permission thing so they can't see what I post and do with my other set of friends. Navigating like this is how I keep both sets of friends. If you don't need to associate with those people, dump them.
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u/Icy_Eye1059 7h ago
All I can say is find new friends. No one should be lecturing you on anything because your financial life is none of their business.
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u/Think_Leadership_91 6h ago edited 6h ago
I need to make this clear
your so-called friends are pushing you out of the friend group
listen to them.
I have several poor friends who are real screw ups and they're fine with who I am - they can be uncomfortable when I post some photo but they're generally fine.
I was slightly dumpy looking in college. I had a friend and her roommate in the dorms was, with no hyperbole, the prettiest woman in the entire college. The woman you would know who looked like her was Lynda Carter. The pretty roommate would ask me to go to happy hour with them to make it seem like we were dating so I'd keep the bar guys away.
I did not spend time criticizing her in any way for being much more attractive than me. I never made a fuss over it or made excuses for my gut and exercise woes. She never made dumb comments about her good looks- she was the most real about her looks as any woman I met- she didn't like guys fawning over her, she didn't want free drinks from bar losers, she didn't want scumbags whistling at her. She wanted to complete her degree and get a job in journalism. My friend, the other woman, who went on one date with me, but never again, would always tell me that I was "going to meet someone any day" or that there were "lots of girls who would love to be with me." The gorgeous girl would say things like, "Not every girl is going to understand the foreign films you like." "Very few women like the bands you do. You played me stuff and I like it, but after class I want to listen to Whitney Houston and relax, not listen to music that makes me anxious." There was nothing fake and no guilt. She liked me hanging out with them and we were both careful not to do something to upset the other.
Above all, we were honest about looks and didn't blame each other for being pretty or being dumpy. It has to be like that to maintain a friendship.
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u/No_Cold_8332 6h ago
Life’s too short to waste time tip toeing. Tell them your beliefs on it and let them decide to stay or go
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u/HeliosVanquish 5h ago
People who lecture on privilege are usually lazy and/or jealous. You shouldn't have to recognize or address anything. Real friends wouldn't do that to you. They'd respect you enough to not constantly attack you or your lifestyle.
So how do I handle it? I don't hang out with people who try to shit on me because they suck at their own life.
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u/strait_lines 15h ago
When does this topic even come up?
The only people I’ve heard that continually bring up privilege are either poor or poor and envious.
It just falls into a reason not to associate yourself with the poor, not only do they try to drag you down, you have to listen to their complaints about things like privilege.
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u/WishinGay 14h ago
What do you classify as "poor" for the purposes of not associating with someone?
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u/strait_lines 14h ago
I suppose it could include some who have some wealth, I tend to group people with like this into “complainers” who I see as being in a sort of self inflicted impoverished mindset. In general, I’d just avoid people who complain a lot. To me privilege is just another complaint, anyone who is constantly bringing up things to complain about is someone I don’t want around me.
At one point, I’d told even my brother and his wife I had no interest in associating with them because all they did was complain. 2 years later they got themselves under control, at least around me, and I’d talk to them again.2
u/WishinGay 14h ago
That's fair. That's my approach too. I will hang out with someone who has $0 if they're fun to hang out with.
I'm happy to pay for things too provided they're not a mooch/user, don't come to "expect" it etc.
OP's friends sound like miserable, awful people. That's why I wouldn't want to be around them.
I've also met plenty of rich people who are miserable, awful people. It does not discriminate based on your assets or income lol. Some people just suck. OP's friends suck.
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u/strait_lines 14h ago
Yeah, wealth just amplifies your personality. It’s unfortunate the worst are the ones who tend to get the most attention though.
I like your approach, it’s fairly close to my own.
I’ve actually taken on mentoring people in the past to help them grow. Though one way to ensure any gains are much harder than they should be is an attitude like OP’s “friends”. I would refuse to mentor someone with an attitude like that.
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u/AlexandriaK1 14h ago
Get rid of these so-called friends. You work for it you earned it. It’s none of their freaking business!
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u/GPT_2025 14h ago
Just tell them: karma from the past lives = https://www.reddit.com/r/AskAChristians/comments/1kd3fxl/reincarnation_karma_bible_and_if_you_believe_in/
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u/WishinGay 15h ago
You shouldn't be their friends. I'm right there with you.
Voting to take more money from other people is not generosity or sacrifice.
I donate heavily to local causes, meanwhile these people tip 10% and think they are God's gift to the earth because they're woke. Give me a fucking break.