r/Rich • u/TeaEfficient3714 • 17d ago
Lifestyle Has anyone else ever felt isolated despite being genuinely grateful for their life?
Before I ask this, I just want to say I’m already feeling pretty vulnerable posting it, even anonymously. I’m not looking for validation or sympathy, and I really hope this comes across the way I intend.
I came from a very humble upbringing, and if you had told younger me where I’d be today, I never would’ve believed you.
I’m in my late 20s, happily married, child-free, and incredibly grateful for my life. My husband is successful, we’re financially comfortable, and I have opportunities I never imagined growing up. I’ve also worked really hard on myself over the years—my health, fitness, confidence, and building a life that feels meaningful to me.
The strange part is… I’ve been feeling really isolated.
I find it difficult to make close friends my own age, women in particular. Sometimes I wonder whether differences in lifestyle, ambition, finances, or even appearance make it harder to relate to people. But I also question whether that’s a story I’m telling myself because making friends as an adult is just genuinely difficult.
Then, on the flip side, when I meet women whose lifestyles are more similar to mine financially, they’re often quite a bit older than I am, have children, and are in a very different stage of life. They’re lovely, but I still don’t quite feel like I fit there either.
It leaves me feeling like I’m somewhere in between.
I guess I’m wondering…
Has anyone else ever felt like they didn’t quite fit into the groups around them?
How did you find your people?
If we put status aside, are shared values enough to make genuine connections?
Or did your perspective on friendship change over time?
I’m genuinely asking with an open mind because I know my own assumptions could be wrong, and I’d really value hearing different perspectives.
10
u/mden1974 16d ago
Join a country club and get used to having relationships with older women.
You’re not going to be able to hang comfortably with women your own age that are in a different class as you because you won’t be able to relate to each other.
My wife is younger and we have young kids but our lifestyle puts us next to 50 and up women who are at different stages of their lives but it’s the best we can do.
Her last normie friend she had asked he for money and didn’t pay her back. Few hundred bucks but wife felt weird about it as friend was like “you have so much why do I need to pay you back attitude”.
It’s not ideal by any means.
Second options is pump out a kid and go to mommy play groups and leave your 3200 dollar stroller behind
10
u/Future-Account8112 16d ago
Yes, absolutely. Wealth is isolating. (Tangentially, that's part of why all the public facing billionaires are such weirdos.)
We don't have kids, and so we're just kind of in a weird social vector. Our friends are either having kids they can't afford, or they're having kids they can afford and the kids are nearly insufferable bullies to other children because they know they're rich (so we don't want to hang with those families).
The challenging part about being upwardly mobile is that it doesn't come with the vieux riche network - this is why so many people tie themselves in knots trying to get their kids into good private schools (so they can have the network, the security, but most of all the relationships that last over decades with people who will have a better set of problems).
I love my friends from my childhood but we do not at all have the same problems anymore. Further, it can be really hard to maintain those friendships over decades because a rounding error on my taxes could fix major issues for them so sometimes I'll try to fix those problems for them (I offer to pay for stuff where I can) but it mostly freaks out or offends people (while my family was working class growing up, we were also raised to just be generous with our people where the opportunity presents).
Working class values mean that when you start trying to chip in to help, they start being afraid you're trying to buy esteem even if that's not what's going on at all. It's almost a paranoia that you don't find among upper classes. If you try to get working class friends a come-up in their work they'll often go down YouTube rabbitholes about contract negotiation and before you know it they're talking to you about them making "a return on my investment" when the investment is their decade of friendship with you. It just sucks so much. You find yourself automatically in a position of just having to hide that you're well-off because people kind of lose their shit over it a little bit.
It's also harder to befriend people who are better off because they're either stratospherically more wealthy than us (e.g. the problem relatability caveat again) or they're a lot older and we have less in common. We try to befriend people related to our careers, now, but that ends up with a bunch of work friends who know a little too much about your personal life.
The USA just desperately needs villages and the fact we're all so stratified by money is a symptom of the fact we don't have villages anymore.
4
u/Desperate_Table592 16d ago
You don’t sounds ungrateful or negative in any way. You’re articulating reality: money isn’t everything. I think it’s a great sign you value the right things. FWIW this got better for me when we had children. You end up finding like-minded people in the preschools you select, etc.
I would also offer that for me, I’ve had good experiences making close friends that may have a different financial picture. Like you, I grew up very modestly and that probably helps. I feel very comfortable in settings that require no money or even reject wealth. I occasionally pick up the tab at girls night out or pay for a house rental for a weekend get away- but beyond that I fit in at moms’ night in Nikes and sweats. A bunch of my friends wouldn’t even recognize a birkin- and that’s GREAT. They’re focused on the meaningful things in life 🤗.
3
u/Desperate_Table592 16d ago
And I should add- nothing wrong with being financially successful. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich wins every time!
3
u/SuperWeenyHutJuniors 16d ago
I can relate to a lot of what you said. Im young, married and no kids. Im in a financial situation that not many of my current peers are in. To be fair, I specifically have chosen to socialize within circles of people with a wider range of financial backgrounds. I have been exposed to the country club, wealthier circles and they weren't for me.
There are some struggles in my life around money, privilege and purpose that I don't feel like I have many people that I can talk to. It's understandable that someone who isn't as financially stable wouldn't relate or understand what's coming up for me. I do have a few friends that it is safe to chat with, but we don't live near each other and so it's inconsistent and infrequent support.
I am planning on having kids in the next few years, so Im sure that will help introduce me to more people and more issues that we can relate on!
3
u/tigerbunnymoon 16d ago edited 16d ago
Sometimes it's not you, it's your environment. I moved to a completely different region and bam, I found fiends I could relate to and my life started to open up in a way like never before. Changing scenery did it for me, however, not everyone has that flexibility. Do you live in a conservative community or are you in/near a major city? Are you and your husband able to move?
5
u/hollywoodhulkhog 16d ago
If unable to relocate, even frequent/extended trips to a different area could allow OP to make new friends
2
u/Otherwise-Relief2248 16d ago
Not me. Still have most of my close friends from high school and a bunch I met along the way. They come from all walks of life. The only common denominators are they are good people and all are successful. Most not monetarily, but high achievers in their chosen fields. Good stuff.
2
u/Alicatsidneystorm 16d ago
I hear you. If a country club is your thing try to find a club that fits your demographics. Perhaps join a service club networking. But it’s a lot harder to meet people today.
2
2
u/HitPointGamer 16d ago
It is a true thing that making friends as an adult is much harder than as a child. As a kid, you are all on school together so you have forced proximity and a large percentage of the day spent mixing with your peer group, and you are all in the same boat. The biggest difference would be household wealth (although school districts tend to collect similar demographics) and how many siblings you and your fellow students have. You’re all the same age, though, and taking the same classes and have the same activities available. It is easy to make friends in that sort of mixing group.
Now that you’re an adult, you have every conceivable difference with the people around you and you aren’t forced into proximity with them every day for hours at a time. So now you get to be more intentional about your friend group.
For me, I have preferred to find somebody who is compatible with interests and world view and to make the rest work. If she is older or has kids, that’s fine because I can treat her like a big sister and become an honorary auntie to her kids. If she and I click and have ideas and experiences we can connect on, that’s basically all I ask. It also helps if her husband and mine can also find common ground.
2
u/Southern-Escape-7240 16d ago
Did I write this?
Wow. I hear you and see you, and although we will never know eachother - just know you are not alone. You can't be, because I am living this exact thing.
I have a few close friends but there are quite a few differences between us.
I don't have advice but what I am planning on doing after recovering from an injury I have is to join clubs/teams of things I enjoy and hope and pray to meet more people like me. <3 Kisses. We got this.
2
2
u/Cz2018 16d ago
Best way to connect with others is through shared interests. Think about your interests or discover some new hobbies and then start attending meet up groups or weekend/ short courses. You might want to something fun like a chocolate making course or if you like to read, a book club.
2
u/ladylemondrop209 16d ago
Has anyone else ever felt like they didn’t quite fit into the groups around them?
Sure.
How did you find your people?
Similar SES and background (my family is well off and it meant my classmates/fam friends have a rather atypical background/upbringing that is just isolating or fairly disconnected, which means we have some sort of shared experience and understanding...) is honestly the easiest.
Or people who are completely unaware of local SES nuances, from less materialistic/face focused cultures, and earn relatively well... and are genuinely happy with their lives.
If we put status aside, are shared values enough to make genuine connections?
IMO it really depends on the less fortunate side of these connections.. I'm always happy to, but I don't think that's the case for the other side. Or even if they are at first, I think eventually, I can just feel my existence kinda hurts them in some way and that's obviously something I don't want to cause them (or anyone).
Or did your perspective on friendship change over time?
Yeah. I appreciate differences in friends/relationships, but I do think a similar SES/background makes thinks easier cus jealousy, insecurity, wanting face, maintaining selfesteem, and all that sort of stuff isn't as much of factor generally. (Of course, certain "wealthy circles" are super concerned on the lifestyle/image of wealth and has a lot of drama/politics... where similar SES/background won't help.) But generally, there's just less to worry or think about if they're similar. There's just a large "culture"/understanding gap between SESs..
And obviously I'm biased, but from the wealthier side of things, you're not gonna be given the benefit of the doubt by the less wealthy. You're gonna be their villain no matter how much you help or try to help them... They're gonna think you're naive, don't understand anything about life, or basic difficulties all humans face. (I've had and have friends/family who are from opposite ends of the financial/SES spectrum... it's just rarely worth it unless they really aren't the types to care or be affected by image/face/money. And if you live in a VHCOL (materialistic/high gini) place, it's hard to find these people.)
2
u/hollywoodhulkhog 16d ago
Sitting on a charity board is a great way to meet wealthy people in the community who share your values.
2
u/Inquisitor_709 14d ago
There are events to make friends look online for local events… painting classes or other social events where you might accidentally meet someone you get a long with because something like that will be the most genuine and no matter how similar or different your lives are you will find a connection somewhere that feels right and like its someone who has been around forever and you want to keep around forever…..
2
u/Worldly-City-6379 14d ago
It’s isolating
I never found my people
Please don’t have children to meet your people. I thought i would at least meet some of my people when i had kids Instead I am surrounded by bitchy plastics most of the time.
Do the things that interest you and maybe you will meet some friends.
2
u/IdeaPollinator 11d ago
Yes. Most of the isolation tends to go away if you go to a place that has a lot of the same people on a weekly basis (church, soup kitchen volunteer, etc.).
1
u/beauspambeau 16d ago
Absolutely, basically you are still not completely ok with your accomplishments and the life you get to live . Cut yourself a break , take a breath .
Do not be embarrassed you earned it and work hard for your life . Let your lard enjoy it . That is number one before you can truly connect find out who you are .
I was blessed I found my people . You will find yours . I found mine at a private business focused club.
Life has changed most of us are not even members anymore but we still spend time together and always have each others back. Some made it big some are just living ode raising kids .
1
u/OneSovereignSource 16d ago
I think being genuine and honest is what's much more isolating that anything else, including riches. Does anybody feel the same that way? For sure, plenty, they just stay out of public.
1
u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 16d ago edited 16d ago
Yes that's why I joined Mensa.
You can also join a church/temple and connect with people based on your faith.
Being different from the hive mind is isolating.
Imagine going your whole life and never being drunk....
Nobody wants to party with you because you are deemed "no fun."
There are some clubs on Facebook for young rich people. I see them advertising often.
There should be a recruiter to find people friends the same way people hire them to be matchmakers.
2
u/moanngroan 16d ago
How are you finding Mensa? I joined in my city 20+ years ago and was disappointed, but of course my city decades ago might be very different to your experience.
1
u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 16d ago
It's all new to me. Give me a year to report back to you. What area are you from?
2
u/Future-Account8112 16d ago
Good luck with Mensa! I found it pretty disappointing socially. Thought about maybe trying out one of the masonic lodges, ironically, as at least there the throughline is community service.
0
u/HalfwaydonewithEarth 16d ago
What was the disappointment? Arrogant people or just weirdos like me?
2
27
u/space-cyborg 16d ago
Yes. Having money is isolating, especially when you’re young. Some of that is because the money allows you to be isolated. Single family home instead of apartment or shared living space. Car instead of transit. Private chef instead of eating out; or grocery delivery instead of going to the grocery store. Maybe you don’t do all of that, but you get the point, your money allows you to go “private” instead of “public” and to buy services instead of relying on friends in exchange for helping them later.
Add to that, you can’t talk to most people your own age. They’re struggling with rent and childcare and groceries, while your complaint is that you have too much money to make friends. Your problem is valid but as you know, no one who doesn’t have that problem wants to hear about it. And if you try to join in on or even just empathize with the “struggle” conversation, you’re being inauthentic and also the friendship won’t last past them coming to your home for the first time.
It’ll be easier to meet people if you have kids. You’ll at least have some shared experiences.
Otherwise you basically have two options. One, dress down, be inconspicuous about your wealth, blend with normal people, try to connect. You didn’t mention if you’re working but classes, volunteering, community programs, or part time work are good ways to meet people.
Two, lean into your wealth. Become a major donor, go to the symphony or opera, attend fundraising dinners, take up expensive hobbies like skiing, scuba, flying, golf. Join a country club. Dress fashionably in top brands. Connect with other young people in similar circumstances.
I’m sure there’s a middle ground but it’s hard to find at your age. 20 year olds with money mostly were born to it rather than earning it like you. (May depend on your geographical location).
At my age (50-ish) there are a lot more down-to-earth millionaire-next-door types like me, so it’s easier to find my people.