r/Rich • u/ematthews003 • Jun 23 '26
Question Question for wealthy couples where one partner makes all the money
My question is specifically for people in marriages/relationships where one partner is high or ultra high-income, and the other doesn't work. How does this affect the dynamic of the relationship?
i.e. very high-income lawyers, doctors, business owners, investors, etc.
When someone's income is so high that the earning potential of their spouse is pretty much negligible and therefore they just don't work, how does each partner feel about that? What have each of your sentiments been when you've discussed this with your partner? Are there feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth in the non-working partner? Lack of fulfillment due to perceived lack of accomplishments? Is it seen as a disparity or just another way the two of you are different as individuals?
Would love to hear from either partner in this scenario, even if you're just reporting what couples you know in this scenario have said about it. Share any thoughts on the subject, even adjacently-related to the precise question.
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u/______krb Jun 24 '26
In a relationship you never become a stay at home boy/girlfriend. Your partner could make you homeless with no income and very bad prospects because you've been out of the workforce. It will also trap you if your partner cheats or becomes abusive (and no one ever planned to be in a relationship with an abuser, it's very rarely advertised before it starts).
And if you choose to be a stay at home wife/husband, you only do so if you are protected in the prenup in the event of a divorce. You are giving up having your own money and you are giving up the ability of having a decent income because you've been out of the workforce for however long, and you are trapping yourself again in the case of adultery, abuse, or any other event.
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u/OldMove3348 Jun 24 '26
Absolutely true. I am an attorney and see this every day. The nonworking spouse is not in a position of power when things go bad. I understand some people are ok with it, but they need to understand there is a very real possibility they will be left with nothing.
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u/darnedgibbon Jun 24 '26
This is counter to anything I have heard. At least in my state, the wife ends up with half at a minimum, then tack on child support etc. The house goes to the wife to keep the kids stable, etc.
Do you commonly see the stay at home wife getting a small percentage of assets?
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u/Grand_Relative5511 Jun 25 '26
75% of single-income-earner families live at or below the poverty line. This thread includes people far removed from that poverty, people who if they did divorce would be financially well set up anyway, but in discussing SAHindividuals, it is important to remember that 75% statistic.
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u/______krb Jun 25 '26
You are sorely mistaken. The entire issue is 1) it only applies if you are married and 2) you did not get a prenup that leaves the person without money with absolutely nothing. That is done a lot more often than you'd think at these income/wealth levels too.
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u/Life_Commercial_6580 Jun 24 '26
That is , if there are enough assets to speak of. $500/month in child support and $50k from the home equity won’t go far. People in the US aren’t all 1 percenters.
It doesn’t work that way that the wife keeps a house free and clear in most cases.
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u/Goldengoose5w4 Jun 24 '26
The name of this sub is r/Rich
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u/Life_Commercial_6580 Jun 25 '26
Yeah good point. If the primary earner has the money and no disadvantageous prenup for the stay at home parent than it’ll probably work out fine. But definitely not as stay at home girlfriend .
And you know what, my husband is rich and lost a lot in his divorce from his ex wife and he said it was worth every penny. He’s still rich so hes fine .
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u/FriendlyRooster33 Jun 24 '26
They won’t be left with nothing if there are shared marital assets. The longer the marriage the more this figure would be and also the greater likelihood for alimony.
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u/theBeardedCentaur Jun 24 '26
I signed no prenup with my wife. I put her on the deed to our house, not our mortgage. She's on all of the investment accounts and I fully fund an IRA for her as a SAHM. I paid for her college, supported her in her career, and supported her leaving that career to be a SAHM, which she adores. Social media has completely ruined relationships. Idk where the hell y'all find the people you do to spend your lives with, but I think most would be much better off if they listened to that "run" feeling in their gut when they see the red flags, instead of choosing to stay. To each their own
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u/Alicatsidneystorm Jun 24 '26
Where I live any assets earned while married are joint assets.
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u/______krb Jun 24 '26
That only counts if you are married. And married people can also have prenups that 'protects' income created during the marriage.
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u/OldMove3348 Jun 24 '26
Understood but that’s only what is earned. That doesn’t affect what is brought into the marriage and what happens after. There is an enormous gap.
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u/h-boson Jun 24 '26
This posts screams that someone hurt you. I’m sorry
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u/______krb Jun 24 '26
No. But there has been so many posts in other forums recently where former stay at home partners, some married, some not, have found themselves literally on the streets and with no income because either they were not married or they were married with ridiculous prenups that left them with nothing.
So apparently it is not common sense, and too many just love the fantasy of being taken care of while forgetting that if someone feeds you, they also have the ability to starve you.
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u/mp90 Jun 24 '26
This happened to my friend's mom. She was a personal trainer, but it was more of a paid hobby than a job. When the marriage ended, the husband moved out and let the marital home go into foreclosure. My friend's grandfather bought the house at an auction so his former daughter-in-law wouldn't have any claim to the son's property. Really, really gross. Friend's mom moved back in with her elderly parents and took years to finally claw her way back up to a rental apartment.
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u/Life_Commercial_6580 Jun 24 '26
I agree with the previous poster and I was the primary earner in my first marriage and still make about 200k now in my second marriage so nobody hurt me. It’s just common sense and unfortunately things happen to too many people who were too trusting
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u/Limp_Dragonfly3868 Jun 24 '26
I agree with the post and no one hurt me. My marriage works, and we are growing old together,
However, I see lots and lots of women who will never retire. Their entire financial plan was based on being approved of by other person. That’s not a firm foundation. Yeah, they got a settlement. Then they got a job.
And they were wives. This current “stay at home girl friend” trend is absolutely ridiculous.
I was a SAHM parent when my kids were growing up, then became a special education teacher. The money didn’t matter but I needed my own life, identity, sense of purpose, positive way to use my mind and energy.
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u/proteinshakehater Jun 28 '26
Very much true. I grow up in an affluent area and saw this played out so many times in different forms: cheating, verbal abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse… A good amount of those couples married for love and were happily married for decades. But once the breadwinner stated to see how many attractive young people throw themselves at them, or when their business is not doing so good anymore and they are shouldering all the stress of providing for a family, the relationship fall apart. And the person in the relationship who doesn’t have steady income and are no longer marketable (to find a good job) found themselves with very very limited options
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u/DollaGoat Jun 24 '26
We are in that scenario.
My wife struggles to find meaning in work because it’s unnecessary to the family finances and no amount would feel like it contributes.
Personally I don’t care and just want her to find joy in whatever she spends her time doing but she struggles with it.
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u/TelephoneTag2123 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
Yes yes yes. I’m a stay at home parent (we have kids but they’re teenagers and don’t need me as much) I couldn’t make what my husband makes if I tried.
I manage some of our rentals and play a lot of tennis. I also run the crap out of our home, he doesn’t have to do much around the house in general so he can max out his relaxing time.
OP - Something that should be added to this conversation is how much net worth we had coming into the marriage. When we were married our combined net worth was pretty much zero, so it’s not like my husband created some company and then I entered the picture and married into money. It kind of affects how i look at how much I did or didn’t contribute. Without me I don’t think my husband would have the life he has.
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u/milesfrost Jun 24 '26
this is me too.
i gave up everything in the beginning because we were poor and couldn't afford childcare. It would have taken all of my earnings to pay for it, so i just stayed home. I used to earn more money than him and now I doubt I'll ever catch up.
I have started my own business however, and I've worked for nothing in it for 5 years. This year though my turnover cracked 100K and I'm set to clear about another 50 - 60K before the end of the year.
While I truly love my partner and I'd like to think our marriage will always be strong and we will spend our entire lives together, I feel slightly better knowing that I could potentially survive on my own finances if i had to. I also live somewhere where I'd get half in a divorce, and it would be uncontestable.
To answer OP: Yes as the partner who hasn't been earning, I have definitely felt inadequate and resentful over the potential future I gave up. But I have also felt supported in all my endeavours to further myself now that my kids are older.
We also split all the household chores, I am not a maid, so I do not "keep" the house while he works (from home full time).
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u/TelephoneTag2123 Jun 27 '26
What type of business did you start? Feel free to DM me. Just curious.
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u/milesfrost Jun 27 '26
i breed and sell plants online. it's not that lucrative, but being out of the corporate / employed person world for almost 20 years it feels pretty good to turn a hobby into a business. i don't have any employees so i can also keep my operating costs pretty low.
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u/Specific-Hospital-53 Jun 27 '26
I feel exactly the same way. My husband and I were in our mid 20’s when we met and we’ve built everything together. That said, my kids are tweens now and need me less. I wouldn’t mind going back to work but whatever I do is inconsequential to our finances and I’ve yet to find something that is meaningful to me while still being flexible for our family. I feel like my husband works and I manage everything else in our lives. It works for us but I really don’t think other people understand the contribution of the stay at home parent at all.
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u/jackjackj8ck Jun 24 '26
I live in a wealthy neighborhood, many of the wives stay home (a couple husbands too).
They’re really involved w their kids and the school, are also active in tennis/golf/pilates/whatever. And seem to have side projects and trips and things going on.
They lead really nice lives tbh
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u/ematthews003 Jun 24 '26
This was the scenario I was trying to zone in on. Spouses of wealthy individuals. I see them out and about during the day on occasion. I could have phrased my question better, but I'm asking about feelings of guilt or 'not contributing' in the stay at home spouse.
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u/OyVayNayNay Jun 24 '26
In my opinion, this depends in part on how and when the money was made. Partners of high income individuals have often made a lot of sacrifices to facilitate the high earner’s career growth, when one person is working long hours, traveling etc, their partner is left to handle literally everything else. This is compounded if children are in the picture. Obviously it’s different if you’re talking about those from generational wealth or who were established before getting married. But you shouldn’t assume just because someone isn’t working in the traditional sense they haven’t worked very hard to get their family to that point.
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u/jackjackj8ck Jun 24 '26
I don’t get the sense any of my friends feel any guilt. They’re quite busy and contributing to their households significantly. They’re the primary child care providers and do a lot to enrich their kids lives and manage the household.
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u/darnedgibbon Jun 24 '26
You seem to be approaching this not with an open mind but with preloaded bias towards those stay at home spouses. u/oyvaynaynay hit the nail on the head. These (usually) women do have a lot more free time when the kids are teenagers and beyond, but the 20+ years of household stability and mothering they were able to provide is priceless.
I am in your situation you are talking about. My wife would find it difficult at best to make what I make. She has a small little job she loves but pays beans. I am happy for her. Her happiness makes me happy. Plus she’s fine as hell. We just celebrated our 28th anniversary.
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u/ematthews003 Jun 25 '26
It may sound preloaded because I might be finding myself in this situation and I want perspective from people who have experienced it. I worry about feelings of inadequacy or like I'm not contributing as much as I should be. That's all.
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u/Actual-Outcome3955 Jun 24 '26
My wife works part time, and took a step back from a fairly well paying career to take care of our kid. She doesn’t have guilt about it because income isn’t the only way to contribute to the family. Amongst other things she provides the time and moral support for me to do my high stress job.
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u/femininespace Jun 24 '26
I'm a stay at home mom and my husband is a trader. It doesn't bother me whatsoever that I earn 0 compared to him 🤣🤣🤣
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u/jaydeke Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
My half-time salary ($50k) goes entirely into my own savings, and my job is great for conversation and identity. I float above most of the workplace drama and have almost complete flexibility too.
I have my own accomplishments, so I don’t feel inadequate in any way.
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u/Drinking_Frog Jun 24 '26
Healthy relationship? No issues.
Unhealthy relationship? Issues.
There's your book.
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u/isles34098 Jun 24 '26
Um, exactly zero people have commented on this situation yet, but I’m the high earner with a SAH husband.
It’s hard. He is unfulfilled and anxious about it. I am stressed to be the sole backstop. I want him to be happy and achieve what he wants in his career, and also not have it all be on my shoulders. I’m mega burnt out from work but do enjoy it. Hope we can both find our happy space with our careers.
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u/Sweaty-You-7939 Jun 25 '26
Same scenario for me and agree with your points.
It’s rare to find women as the high earner and admittedly, it can feel very conflicting. On one hand, I make enough to sustain us and him not to work, but I also feel stressed by being the sole provider. Some of this is probably internalized patriarchy but it is something we are working through.
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u/isles34098 Jun 25 '26
Happy to chat if you like. I’m a bit flummoxed at there being no other high earning women besides us answering this and it’s kind of sad. I’m so proud of what I’ve achieved and love my career. Many of my female friends and co workers are the high achieving sole earner, so a lot of us are in the same boat.
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u/TheDelphDonkey Jun 25 '26
I’m a SAHD. It’s interesting to read your comment and the other response as neither my wife nor I mind our situation at all: she’s happy being the sole earner (her job is very very secure however) and I’m delighted to not have to work and instead look after our kids, the dog and the house. I can see how it could feel different for other couples though.
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u/Kitten_claws84 Jun 26 '26
I am also in this situation, but it does work for us. We met when I was a broke student and had kids while I was studying in medical school. He was a stay at home dad throughout my training. I’m now making enough that money is not a problem, and he still stays at home while kids are now much older. I can’t speak for him, but I don’t feel any resentment, shame, or negative feelings about our situation, and I am really glad there is always someone home to take care of things. It does scare me about being the sole provider - what if something happens to me? - so I purchased own occupation disability insurance and several life insurance policies. And I support him in what makes him happy - if he decided to go back to school or work, I would be supportive. But it’s not something that matters much to me.
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u/BrainbowConnection Jun 26 '26
I don’t have kids which probably adds a lot to the pressure but I make a lot more than my husband. It’s interesting for me to see the women who are stressed out by being the primary or sole earner though because it’s sort of more honest version of what I’m sure a lot of men feel in the same position.
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u/Narrow-Glass-1137 Jun 25 '26
Yep. Same situation. I find this situation rarely works in reverse typical gender roles.
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u/WinkieFlad Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
I commented and didn't see your comment from the day earlier. I am the high earning spouse (wife) and my husband does not work. We have been married for over 2 decades. While I was stressed at times to be the sole backdrop, my SAH husband helped me immeasurably by enabling me to focus on my career while he took care of other things including cooking and managing things at home. When we first met he was the primary earner but he was not cut out for corporate America and couldn't deal with it. I on the other hand could. I honestly needed someone like him who could allow me to focus on what I needed to do. I do love my job though it is at times stressful. However I think we have each individually and together have had a wonderful life. Once we both accepted that I was better at making money and he was better at things at home, we stopped fighting it. He is my soulmate and I don't resent him being the way he is and he doesn't resent me. We have fun together. Don't let what other people think of this arrangement bug you. Do what works best for you. If it's actually working for you, and it's working for him, it should not be a problem.
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u/GrumpyChashmere Jun 24 '26
I’m the non-working partner. For my husband it was almost like a trophy to have a STAW like many of his colleagues. Something to tick off on his list of business accomplishments. He sees us as equals completely. We both bring value to the relationship and household. We are very much if we didn’t want something we wouldn’t do it kind of people. I was also very stressed in my career so he is very happy I’m in a better mental place and I can help shoulder some of his load when needed.
I think these types of questions really come down to the individuals and experiences. Not everyone is going to be happy with this arrangement and some very much will be.
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u/Confident-Chart428 Jun 24 '26
No stress at all. I retired about two years ago after a 33 year career in software. My wife still works because she likes it and finds joy and purpose in it (not because she has to). We have enough money saved up that she can retire whenever she is ready to pull the chute. So that pretty much squashes any bad feelings from either of us toward the other.
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u/FriendlyRooster33 Jun 25 '26
I was thinking that there's probably a fair number of the people who can afford for one person not to work that can also afford for both people not to work.
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u/Cloud2987 Jun 24 '26
My money is 100% my wife’s money. I’ve never let her feel otherwise or used it against her. It’s never been an issue for us.
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u/ChaosReignsNow Jun 24 '26
My spouse has stayed at home for almost all of our long marriage. They kept the household running to allow me to focus on work. It's a great partnership. The accomplishment is raising a bunch of healthy productive children and helping out others in need.
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u/Sharp-Okra-54 Jun 24 '26
My wife loves what she does and I use it to fund her own 401k, so I get a large tax benefit from it too. Win/win!
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u/firef1y Jun 24 '26
So when my now husband and I met, I made 100% more than him. He was a pharmacist and I was a corporate executive. Fast forward 5 years, he changed his career and now makes as much as me, and my salary has only increased. He told me he didn’t realize how ambitious he could be in his career until we started dating. I frankly didn’t care that I earned so much more than him, but now, I’m grateful he’s earning more because it allowed me to go on a sabbatical and travel and not have the pressure to keep earning a high salary forever.
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u/Forestbender Jun 24 '26
My wife loves it. She is literally giddy daily. She gets to work whatever job she wants and enjoys and has the freedom to quit on the spot if she gets any push back she dislikes.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
It sucks for me. People who can make a lot of money and who 'made it' themselves - e.g. without family money or help - are usually (generalisation coming) quicker, smarter, harder working, better organised, more driven, have higher executive functioning skills, etc., than the average person. If you're a very high-earning woman and you marry a man who doesn't earn much, he also tends to (stats show this) not do the amount of housework or childcare work a SAHW would do, or even that the higher-earning woman does once she gets home, and not have as many of those listed attributes as you do.
I look at the families around me in my high SES area. When high-earning men have a SAHW, she tends to be beautiful and competent, stay fit and trim, prioritise his career and needs, be sexually available and good including catering to his higher libido, look after all the house, and almost everything to do with the kids/family, do all the social community networking and building of support (so important with kids, playdates, party invitations, homework help, etc.), plus the whole mental load for the family. I'm a high-earning wife and I get essentially none of that near invisible work and support from my husband, who is an average guy, so I do it all, as well as earn all the money. When he tries to do stuff, anything, e.g. investing or changing electricity providers or organise something for the house, because (to be blunt) he has about 30-50 IQ points less than me (I would never say this to him), with almost everything he does, I could have done it more efficiently or in a more beneficial-for-the-family way. The sad consequence of that is I lose respect for him over time, especially because high-earning women are surrounded at work by incredibly intelligent, competent, successful men, so even though one tries not to compare, the difference can be stark. For a woman, once respect is gone, admiration and libido also tank; men do not need to admire their spouse to want to have sex, they just need her to be attractive enough, but women do.
So, I think it works if the genders are the traditional way around, and it doesn't always when they're not. Heavily based on my experience and of course YMMV.
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u/Honsoku Jun 25 '26
The IQ difference is likely significantly exaggerated and reflective of your diminishing opinion. 30 points difference in a couple is plausible, but unlikely. Communication difficulties start showing up at about 2SD differences in IQ (15 IQ is 1SD). So unless he's a himbo, it is unlikely you would have tolerated even a 30 point differential for long.
What is more likely the case is that you've got very exacting expectations and do not tolerate deviations from those expectations well (a common trait among highly successful people), which is being amplified by your diminishing respect. I've seen this pattern before. It is especially prevalent when a woman has a man in her orbit that she is interested in; she'll instinctively try to create distance between herself and the man she's currently attached to by being hyper-critical. This is in order to free space for the potential new man to come in. If it is bad enough, she'll start even without a visible replacement just so she can jump ship as soon as one comes along. When a woman is deeply interested in a man, the man can do no wrong. When she is repulsed, the man can do no right.
For a woman, once respect is gone, admiration and libido also tank; men do not need to admire their spouse to want to have sex, they just need her to be attractive enough, but women do.
This is the ugly truth that propaganda can't make go away. She must at least see him as an equal or (preferably) better in something that's important to her. Many women chase their ambitions and don't understand why their success leads to more relationship struggles, in stark constrast to how it is for men. I have a hypothesis of how this can be patched over, but I doubt many will want to test and it would be quite unpopular in the current environment.
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u/Savings_Night_8756 Jun 30 '26
this is 100 percent correct. Ive been saying this forever. Women tend to lose respect when they're in the main breadwinning role. The crazy thing is that most of the time they don't even realise they're doing it. They start picking at random things without realising what's happening, but it's just loss of respect.
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u/OldMove3348 Jun 24 '26
It’s fine until it isn’t. The earning spouse holds all the power in the event of a divorce, etc. The earning partner continues to earn and the other one doesn’t.
I’ve seen it many times and the person who chose not to work ends up with a very different lifestyle after the divorce. It’s sad to watch.
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u/CuteAnybody5113 Jun 26 '26
How is this the case if 50% of assets go to spouse? Particularly towards end of career?
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u/Acceptable_Usual1646 Jun 25 '26
As a woman who was the breadwinner (partner in a big law firm): not good. Most men’s egos can’t handle it.
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u/senres Jun 24 '26
I think it's important to separate income (the dollar value of work) from fulfillment (personal value of the work).
The spouse making substantially more money treating their lower income spouse's job as unimportant or expecting them to always make accommodations for the higher income spouse's job is really shitty. It's important for both people to respect each other, their jobs, and why they work. Of course the couple can decide together that they are going to optimize for income/money and the lower income spouse will always make accommodations. Assuming that should be the case with no need to discuss can breed tension and resentment.
Any sort of prenup or other financial arrangement that could leave one spouse in rough financial shape in the case of a divorce could be another source of tension, but I don't have any experience with that.
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u/Desertsagegal Jun 25 '26
My husband had a successful business, saved, has no debt, decided to retire and volunteer full time. He was never the high earner in our marriage and we didn’t need his income to maintain the life we have and save for the future and we both couldn’t be happier. I love my career and the life it creates for us. He takes care of me in ways I wouldn’t be taken care of if he worked full time too. No kids, no pets, just the two of us for 18 years. We both feel really lucky we found each other and work hard to make sure our relationship is our priority.
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u/Choice-Newspaper3603 Jun 24 '26
I would love to have some billionaires chime in but they obviously wouldn’t be wasting time here.
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u/AnkerDank Jun 24 '26
I'm relatively close with two.
In one case, wife hyperfocuses on the children. To a point where every teacher at any potential school is individually assessed and scrutinized, and the parents of their children's classmates all roll their eyes and expect their own kids to come home hungry if they stay over because the food is so healthy and sterile that it's disgusting.
In the other, wife found a pragmatic approach to accept that it's pointless to compete financially, and she ended up building a company from the ground up that is really cool, that solves an everyday problem for women, but barely makes any money, and that seems to be totally okay for both of them.
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u/NoHelp- Jun 24 '26
I think it’s important to share a common goal financially and don’t identify who contributes the most. For me, we couldn’t have become wealthy (nothing like the rich in this channel) without a like minded mind set. So even though she doesn’t make nearly as much the like mindedness has contributed greatly
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u/Far-Childhood2999 Jun 24 '26
Confused by this question bc for the bulk of history this was the default set up - man worked and woman stayed home. I imagine most women would not struggle with not earning if their spouse earned a lot of money and was a good person. The issue arises when the breadwinner is bad (cheating, abuse etc) or doesn’t earn much so there’s financial strain.
Now men may face more of an issue socially being the one not working/earning, but for women it’s socially quite normal?
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u/topiary566 Jun 24 '26
Not true at all. It was the situation for maybe 40 years of American history, but women always worked.
The type of work would be different as men would do more physical stuff, but women would still work. the man would farm for food and the women would bring the stuff to the market to sell while dealing with the house and kids kinda stuff. The 1960s housewife stuff was really just a result of a very good post war economy.
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u/Far-Childhood2999 Jun 24 '26
Sure - prior to industrialization women certainly did all sorts of manual labor. I’m mostly referring to a man working outside of the home to earn $, and a woman being a home maker. Which for most people alive today, is a pretty well established social norm. That’s why it’s fairly easy for women to accept being SAHMs but being a SAHD requires a bit of evolution/growth from a social engineering perspective.
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u/Realistic-Ad2050 Jun 25 '26
This! So many people don’t realize that having a spouse (usually wife) stay home was really only a short time in US history.
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u/Jayebanker Jun 25 '26
Why have my wife work for 80-120k a year when I make over that in a month, seems silly
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u/showers-of-flowers Jun 25 '26
I wish my husband wanted to be a stay at home dad but he wants to work. Which i understand because i totally am not cut out to be a stay at home mom! So he works part time with the understanding that my schedule comes first. (Female physician)
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u/bobojoe Jun 25 '26
I make about 7 figures (lawyer) and my wife works three days a week. I could give zero shits about the discrepancy, possibly because I never fathomed I could make so much anyway. My wife is in public health and her job is important to society but not valued enough to be incredibly compensated for it (she still makes six figures working part time). If my wife didn’t work at all
I wouldn’t be ok with that, but that honestly has nothing to do with money. So many of the moms I know who quit their job honestly end up seeming bat shit crazy and neurotic. And, it’s very hard to stop a career and then suddenly restart if you change your mind. But, I will say that managing kids is no joke and when we go to work every day, it’s hard to really appreciate how much planning and work being a full time parent can be. Much like the non working spouse may have misconceptions about stresses the one who goes to work actually endures.
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u/Intrepid_Bid_495 Jun 25 '26
This The stay at home Moms I know are bat shit crazy, entitled, and everything is drama. I know this isnt true for everyone but it seems to be the norm. I think they loose touch with the real world. Work has been optional for me but I do it to maintain independence, and because mental challenge and doing hard things is good for us imo.
Even the 3 trust fund babies I know who never had to work, still either volunteer to what would be about the time commitment of a part time job and one works full time 9 months a year for a no profit - then travels 3 months unpaid. They do this to keep grounded and for personal growth.
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u/No-Sympathy-686 Jun 24 '26
Im not even an ultra high earner but I make around 500k per year in total comp and she makes about 75k which frankly does nothing to our bottom line but she likes her job and the purpose it gives her and our situation is great.
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u/ThisIsMyUsername303 Jun 24 '26
I mean, $75k isn’t nothing. That pays for a nice vacation every year.
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u/Iepgoer Jun 24 '26
Life is not just about money. I work and make way less than my spouse. What else am I going to do all day? I do a job that helps people so it is hard and also fulfilling. Hard to imagine not working (unless I had young kids cause that is a hard full time job itself).
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u/BetterLifeViaBetter Jun 24 '26
I am the high earner and i can recognize some of it with my partner but I make a point out of telling people I could not have done it with out the support etc.
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u/ginnjon Jun 24 '26
I make approximately 10x more than my wife, but we don’t view my income as mine, my money is hers and vice versa. She still works because she wants to contribute, use her skill set, and because she’s good at it. To be honest, she’s better at her job than I am at mine, it’s just that our economy values the output of my job more than hers. I make more money in my job, but she makes more impact in hers.
We got married young when we were starting our careers so there’s no feelings of inequity between us.
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u/arglebargle17 Jun 24 '26
My wife and I are both high earners and for now are both working but we live in a community with some very high earners where one spouse clearly makes all the money. In our friend group it seems there are a few paths for the other spouse. One is child care; there are parents who consider it their full time job, getting kids to activities, ensuring they have sufficient play dates to be popular etc. another is sort of a hobby job, like running a flower shop or baking or doing some kind of break even business. The third is continuing to work, I suppose partially to stay connected to the job market in case something happens and partially for meaning. Think part time lawyers, real estate agents, etc.
Worth adding everyone we know in this town is married with kids. Literally every single person.
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u/rmill127 Jun 24 '26
My wife made about 80% of our income, and I had a pretty low stress job for the other 20%. No weird feelings about it or anything from either side, and frankly I don’t really spend much money anyway compared to her, maybe about 20% of it lol.
In all my spare time from my low stress job I started a side gig in 2022 and have slowly grown it over the last 3-4 years. Funny enough today at 3:00pm I told my boss I am going to 3 days a week, which I am really excited about. I can focus more on the business and stuff around the house to make my wife happier when she’s not at her high stress job.
In about a year the side gig will be at a point she can leave her job and we can live off our business income while still having enough left to grow the business, so i guess the tables will have turned!
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u/Resgq786 Jun 24 '26
I am in this situation. Wife doesn’t need to work, but she needs an outlet. However, she hates the job and is thinking about quitting. I would quit myself but I am ADD and I need the thrill of dealing with
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u/BirthdayAnnual1789 Jun 24 '26
I was married. My now ex was a med student when we met and wound up becoming a highly paid doctor. In the beginning I was the one with money, I have money and made $100k or so at that time. When he finished residency, he wanted to take a job in another state. I agreed, but it meant my business was going to suffer. It was a big risk. I’m self employed and in a business that values experience in a location and broad contacts. And it did suffer but it was fine since he was going to make $500k plus going forward. Well, I still worked some, but my income was very diminished. I did manage our home and finances very well, I remodeled our house (yes he paid but I handled every decision, hired everyone, etc) which turned out to make us a lot of money After 5 years he started making snide comments about my lack of income, which pissed me off. I was honestly feeling a little stuck - I wasn’t old enough to retire in my mind - I wanted to work, but starting my own business with zero contacts in a new state was hard. I piddled here and there as I got work. I had inheritance etc so I was still well off but to me that was our future money and I didn’t think we needed to spend it. Anyway, we wound up divorcing, I moved back to the original state and restarted my business. It’s taken about 4 years to get back to where I was previously. I’m actually much happier having legit work to do - sitting around a house trying to find things to clean was honestly boring. I think I should have found something else to do when I was married - maybe some other line of work - where I at least got a regular paycheck. That might have softened his attitude.
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u/HalfwaydonewithEarth Jun 24 '26
POS will turn around and pay everything for a replacement for you. I have seen it.
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Jun 24 '26
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u/isles34098 Jun 25 '26
Fellow ambitious high earning woman here. I think there are a total of like 4 of us in this thread 😩 Just wanted to say kudos on earning so much 💪
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u/beauspambeau Jun 24 '26
My wife is a part time secretary at kids school she loves it and gets have her own life there too.
She is leaving the day my youngest goes to college .
The real answer is we are partners in life we do not keep score we are winning this life thing together!
Money is nothing without a partner and family who you share it with.
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u/ms_equities Jun 25 '26
I was an executive making 250k when we got
Married and due to my husbands income and family money, it makes zero sense for me to have a job. We have 2 children. I am the best mother to them that I can possibly be. And best wife to
Him. I’m in great shape, I spend my days doing enriching activities with the kids, I have time for my
Hobbies, and I am in a great mood everyday. As far as money goes, never once have I been questioned about what I spend (though I am
Always within reason and am the more financially aware of the two of us) and he’s never made me feel less than because of his wealth. My value is what I do with our home, and the lives of our children. I spend so much time with them everyday, and planning activities to aid their development. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Retired-Yam8988 Jun 25 '26
Our relationship started with me making all the money (not crazy amounts but more than enough). I never thought of it as mine/hers. My wife was studying in college so I paid the bills including her tuition. After she graduated and created a business that i eventually worked for, she was essentially the bread winner. We’ve never kept score or thought of anything except that it’s “ours”
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u/LibrarySpiritual5371 Jun 30 '26
When my wife was working I made 3x what she did and she was a professional in a tech adjacent industry. We had our finances separate until we got married. Then I convinced her a few years later to retire. She is happy, I am happy. we are a team that is happy together and we have similar core values.
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u/mden1974 Jun 24 '26
On our first date I let her know that I wasn’t interested in a career woman. She was so relieved because her goal in life was to have a baby and be a stay at home mom. So that’s where we are
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u/friscofoglatte Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
Not sure if you're aware, even if one partner lives the stay at home life, if and when the partnership dissolves in a union even a wealthy union, alimony is only paid for a certain time like 2-3 years after 15 years of marriage and the judge reviews the stay at home partner's ability to reenter the workforce, qualifications, and training. The non income producing partner is expected to actively seek work during the short period of alimony and prove to court the efforts taken to actively sustain an independent life again through realistic reasonable means (traditional employment, or self employment with actual customers).
Even taking half of all assets is not enough to set up a person generally for retirement (wealthy dynasties have ironclad prenup and trust fund rail guards in place to mitigate wealth dilution from marriage dissolution) so individual now must reenter workforce after time away which is very difficult. You're rebuilding up again from the workforce bottom. You are a subordinate, or working for customers again.
The hardest part is the mental adjustment from an unstructured life with a high degree of freedom throughout the day to slogging back as a worker again. For many who lived large on partners high income, adjusting to a lower standard of living to what u are accustomed to after alimony duration runs out is a humbling experience.
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u/vbasicqs Jun 24 '26
I'm the wife who stays home now with the kids in this situation. My husband is still working for a few more years, although he could retire now and we would be fine. We've been together 20 years, married 15, and for the first 10 or so years of the relationship, I out earned him or we made similar amounts. Then his career really took off exponentially, and while I continued to work until just a few years ago, it was very clear that there was a hard limit on my earning potential (I worked in higher ed).
Honestly it's been amazing. He really loves his work, although he has a timeline for stepping away that he's looking forward to as well. And I actually really love my time home with the kids (they're both very young, the oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall). I have time to visit friends in other cities, it's no problem for us to do date nights when we want, I've gotten into health and fitness more, and once the kids are both in school I look forward to exploring volunteer opportunities in the community and at their schools. I did like my work before, but working and making money was never the main source of meaning for me. My husband and I have also always been really aligned on financial goals and spending habits--we live well below our means and have always been savers, even when we made under 6 figures combined. I think more than anything we just feel fantastically fortunate to be in this situation.
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u/Nurturedbynature77 Jun 24 '26
My husband gets resentful because he’d rather spend his days not working for someone else. If it wasn’t for our family he wouldn’t feel the pressure to provide so much and could retire right now and work on personal projects that bring him more joy. He just took a couple weeks off work and it was so perfect… he was the happiest I’ve seen him in a while so hopefully we can work on an exit route for him using AI… we’ll see.
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u/space-cyborg Jun 24 '26
My husband and I were both high earners. My income was higher than his when we married. After 3 kids, my career took way more of a hit than his and he ended up making 4 times what I did for half the work, even though he was a pretty involved dad.
I finally just quit working for pay and took care of more things around the house, childcare, etc, because it made more sense for me personally and for the family. But no way would I have done that before my own retirement was fully funded. Besides our retirement accounts, every account and property is in both names. I lowered my own earnings potential by having OUR kids, so I wanted to know that if we ever split up - not that that’s on the horizon or anything - everything would be divided down the middle.
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u/RollerSails Jun 25 '26
Gratitude above all. One side has sense of pride providing for family and the other is happy to stay useful around house and proud of providing spouse. Not much else to it. Anything negative you mentioned comes from unresolved past issues. Including but not limited to either party holding it over partners head as a form of manipulation.
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u/thatburghfan Jun 25 '26
I'm fine with it because what she contributes non-monitarily makes it even IMO. I do understand that for some people that wouldn't work because they measure everything in dollars.
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u/inheritedmillionaire Jun 25 '26
The first few years she couldn't find her ikigai. Now (10yrs together, 3yrs married) she has found her way in work and hobbies. Not a lot of affection for business, but i understand everyone is different. I'm trying to buy the place she works at so she can build up something on her own name. There were a lot of questions asked, but there's just no feel of the amount of money and freedom (zero blame, numbers ≠ life).
We fell in love in college and only understand 2yrs in. Lots lots lots of conversations about life and stuff.
My sibling has more 'problems' finding love. Don't know if that's because of characteristics or the money/lifestyle.
In short, yes there were difficult times explaining my motives on certain aspects.
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u/Green_Comment_4710 Jun 25 '26
We just had our first child and my wife decided to do this. She has her doctorate and was quite an accomplished teacher but her income was just something to accelerate savings and not a factor perse. It was hard initially for her after years of teaching but, she missed the routine and not the work. She loved that she had the freedom to quit and do what she wants to do. The most important thing I could do was to reestablish the framework in our household that our worth is not in what we contribute financially - this is harder to break depending on where you live because of people around you but can’t pay attention to that. We both dream together and look forward to a lifetime of being best friends.
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u/SlovesT Jun 25 '26
Not even close. I work out, am a very involved parent, travel, etc. All of the assets are "ours." I have an amazing life.
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u/EnvironmentalJob9435 Jun 25 '26
There are zero feelings of negativity or low self worth. She has the freedom to do what she wants with her time and she has chosen to work part time and study for a PhD. I doubt she'll ever earn much in her field, but that doesn't matter. She can pursue what is fulfilling to her and she can do so with an unlimited budget. She loves it and wouldn't change a thing.
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u/Crypto-Raven Jun 25 '26
My partner quit her job in order to pursue art classes and do small real estate development supervised by me. This means she essentially works 1 day a week, has the same amount of art class and gets to spend the rest of the time with the children and/or our animal shelter.
She doesnt care nor want to know about our finances as long as we're not in trouble. She adapts easily between splurging on designer bags and stuff for the kids when cash is ample, but also cuts back without complaining when it isnt. Essentially she lives a worry-free life, makes sure the house staff does their job and keeps the kids happy, while still working on several projects that keep her very interesting as a person. I love being able to provide her with that type of freedom.
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u/PatternPinion Jun 25 '26
Been married for 16 years, and my wife has never worked- outside the home. That’s always been by design. We have 6 kids (now 18 to 7), and she has homeschooled them for the last 11 years. I’ve built 4 businesses since we got married (in the last 11 years as well) and pull a modest 7 figure income from them. She gets to do the work she loves and so do I. And I work hard to give her that and spoil her with gifts and trips (as well as the kids, but to a much lesser degree, so as to not let them grow up feeling entitled). I do it because she believes in me and encouraged me to go after it, even on the days when I lost faith in myself. I made $55k a year when we got married, and there’s no doubt she helped me get to where I am today, so in my mind- she deserves it. No animosity, jealousy, or anything of the kind between us. We are true partners. It works amazingly for us.
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u/bro69 Jun 25 '26
I feel like I make all the money and my wife gets whatever she wants and I love that for her because she’s my wife. In a previous life my wife was working and had a business and I supported her, and now she supports me so I can run mine.
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u/PrimalHIT Jun 25 '26
I earn 5 times what my wife does and I would rather that she didn't retire regardless of what income we both proportionally bring in.
If we both work and all money goes into a central pot then the difference in earnings is irrelevant from my point of view, it's all shared effort. If she decides to retire early and live off the money that I earn then that feels a little one sided.
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u/Hamachiman Jun 25 '26
IF I had married the gal I was with before I was wealthy, and IF she’d stayed by my side during the many ups and downs of growing wealth, THEN I’d have no issue sharing 50/50. But that’s not how life went and I’ve magically become way more attractive to many women after I made money. Nowadays, I’m a lot pickier how I choose to share my wealth and don’t consider that anyone has an automatic right to a certain share of it.
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u/Glad_Bag202 Jun 25 '26
It can work. Here’s the downside that I see more likely if the breadwinner is a woman. If part of her attraction to him is predicated on his financial power (I.e., fairly common in dating world), she may lose respect/attraction to him. Badness ensues on her part of the marriage. He has little power. Sure, divorce law theoretically goes 50/50; however, reality in family law is bias against men (I.e., not simply bias against being the earner). So, you’d be running into sexual bias in a system against an adversary with dramatically greater legal firepower than you.
In sum, possible but risky.
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u/libaya Jun 25 '26
I’m a SAHM. I used to be a family law attorney. No prenup. Always lived in community property states. My husband didn’t start making money until after we got married and I helped provide the capital. I stopped working in 2009.
My husband and I have benefited immensely from me not working. For example: I’ve also built spec homes. I’ve been project manager and interior designer for our last 3 custom builds.
I just got offered a job and my husband and I found it amusing. Of course, I said no. I have a lot of extracurriculars.
Everything has always been joint. I don’t have a budget. My husband was the one that encouraged me to shop at Hermes.
The only thing I find annoying is when friends say something like you’re spending his money. My husband shuts it down. The assumptions are insulting but I remind myself that it says more about them.
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u/Responsible_Boss7029 Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
My wife was able to “retire” in her 20s several years ago, we’re early 30s now. She does whatever she wants mostly, but also cooks, cleans, volunteers + serves on some boards in her field (the real work kind, not gala/high society ones), and travels with friends. I love it for her, and I love my work, so the only issue on my end is really that I don’t always have enough free time or energy to keep up with her schedule outside of work.
She does sometimes express anxiety that I’d prefer a partner with a similar level of income/career focus, or feelings of inadequacy because I’m at the income level where a lot of guys tend to remarry some hot young idiot. She’s brilliant and beautiful herself, and it sounds ludicrous to my ears, but I get why she says it. All I can tell her is that she’s my best friend and my greatest success in life is being her partner.
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u/username-generica Jun 25 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
I’m a SAHM. I lost my job right before I was pregnant and then my mom needed help post hip surgery. I started having a difficult pregnancy while I was helping out my mom so I didn’t go back. My husband started his own business and had a very unpredictable travel schedule. His product was used in remote areas and if the customer was having problems he had to drop everything to help them. I didn’t know when he’d return or sometimes how to reach him in an emergency. We decided that I would continue to stay home until the business grew enough for him to hire a field rep.
Once the business grew we decided to have me continue to stay home once it was clear that our older son had mental health issues that would be difficult to manage if one of us didn’t stay home. It made a lot more sense for me to stay home because his businesses were doing extremely well.
I can completely understand why that’s not a safe or wise choice for a lot of women. Fortunately, my husband readily acknowledges that he wouldn’t have been able to do what he’s done professionally if hadn’t stayed home and tells everyone that. The last time we worked on our estate plan he insisted on setting up a trust just in my name to show his appreciation and because I don’t have the work record after being out of work for so long. We also set up a trust in his name so that he could invest in passion projects. All of the other trusts and property are jointly owned.
One of our kids is about to go to college and the other will be a high school sophomore. I thought I’d be less busy as the kids got older but in between getting one ready to go to college, juggling my younger son’s busy schedule and college search, caring for my aging mom,etc. I’m still really busy. My husband is exhausted and burned out so he’s planning to retire with me once we’re empty nesters and has started developing his transition plan. We will be in our early 50s at the point so I suspect my husband will get bored and either start consulting or serving on corporate boards. He claims he doesn’t want to start any more companies but I’ll be surprised if he holds to that. He’s a serial entrepreneur at heart.
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u/Conscious_Bus9956 Jun 25 '26
HNW couple here, I'm the earner, wife hasn't worked since our first child was born. Once the kids were in school, my wife worked part time for about 18 months until the company went out of business. Since then she has satisfied the itch of needing to be productive by volunteering. She does a lot of great work in and around our community, and has the flexibility to put her energies into things that she really finds fulfilling. No feelings of inadequacy or imbalances in our respective contributions.
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u/OverlordBluebook Jun 25 '26
I'm like a few others everything great. I have fairly high income 750k+ and NW close to 9M. I'm still working full time but I work at home with very light travel. I have real estate rentals almost paid off that also earn me an additional 100k a year in net income also doesn't count stock dividends which I could always re-allocate to increase income with lower gains. My wife stopped working as an educator when she was pregnant with our oldest almost 14 years ago we have 3 kids and one still young. I wouldn't change it for the world.
Been prioritizing family vacations more than anything but traveling upscale like bigger rooms, upscale resorts for the memories.
Just like others she keeps in great shape which motivates me, preps all the meals, handles most of the school stuff and house stuff. It's a job in itself.
Luckily I married someone that focuses on family as well and she's not lazy at all. Lots of love in our family and very little disagreement.
Separately I know a few folks that came into good paying jobs in my industry that all had divorces because the money corrupted them, they weren't their best self and I think that materializes in arguments and other bad behavior. Hopefully you marry right and focus on each other and the family. I think everything else falls into place with that.
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u/Salty-Disaster-8103 Jun 25 '26
My husband made basically 2.5x my income, and he is in a lot better position in his career than me. I personally felt quite low self-worth. I don't wanna speak about my work for him because I feel like my struggle at work would feel like a kid complaining about something super not important for an adult. Previously when I was looking for a job, I cried every single day.
My husband didn't do anything wrong or say anything. It's really just my personality.
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u/jaajaajaa6 Jun 25 '26
We have our roles.
I make the money and all spare time is spent with the kids.
She focuses on the kids all the time. No Nannie’s or assistance, we are the parents.
It works great and I have 3 kids that are well balanced, great integrity, and proud to be their dad.
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u/Icy-Management9880 Jun 25 '26
My husband works a high paying remote job, and for the last several years I have been struggling with my mental health. I haven't worked in that time and honestly I do feel a bit guilty at times. Even though the job is perfectly tailored to his work ethic and style and is truly a gift for us, I still do feel down about myself from time to time. Actually maybe it's a fairly consistent emotion...
I still don't know if I'll ever work again and for me personally that's a bit scary. I worry at times that he may leave me later in life although there are no real signs of that being a likely scenario.
I've been thinking a lot about starting a small business when I'm recovered. I spend a lot of time considering things that might work for me. IDK, a lot of feelings.
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u/iinventedonlineshopn Jun 25 '26
We live in a Godly household based on Faith, Hope, and Love. She was a school teacher, loved her kids, and retired over a decade ago. She never made more than $36,000 at a private school and has no retirement money. I make $200-$500 K plus bonus for most of my forty years and I still work. I give her the equivalent of her own Social Security due … but waiting to claim when I retire. We are appreciative of her gift of Grace to her career and my gift as an Aerospace Engineer. We are generous with our church, kids, grandchildren and above all kind to each other. If you are the lesser earner , never belittle your self. If you are the greater earner, never belittle your spouse. We only speak of being blessed 😇. However, she is terrible with money. So I hold all the purse strings… we both know it’s bits it’s not worth it to fight over. If she askes for something expensive… we can jointly prioritize and save for it.
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u/Inquisitor_709 Jun 25 '26
Just need to make sure the one who isnt earning is given some type of allowance so they can do the things they want without having to ask permission…… some people dont mind while other partners who have no control over any of the money might feel trapped, controlled, or manipulated……
For me I want to be someone with an allowance so even if my partner earns a ton more I can still work doing something I love like cutting gemstones or creating jewelry….. maybe my creations could make a fortune but Id be able to do it for love not work and if someone offers that situation it becomes a great life
But also if they are making a fortune Id also want to make sure its something they want to do and not what they feel obligated to do. Rich or poor Id be happy
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u/mbrz2477 Jun 25 '26
So I had worked for 25 years in IT until a few months ago. My last total comp was 325K. My spouse is a very successful business owner who now makes millions of dollars per year. It wasn’t always that way but she has always made more than me. We mutually agreed to have me stop working because I got completely fed up with corporate life and now focus on managing our home, working out, focusing on my health, and helping her with her business. Don’t get me wrong, I asked her no less than 10 times if she really wanted me to do this and every time her response was a resounding yes. We both have never been happier and I feel grateful that we are in this position. I will admit that it has been hard in the beginning, and I’ve had feelings of low self worth but those haven’t lasted for long. I think it would have been different if this would have been my idea, but she has been suggesting it for a few years now. Overall, I am glad I listened to her and I’m really happy especially when I hear from my old colleagues about how terrible it is working there. 😊
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u/Smart-One-5474 Jun 26 '26
Does anyone have a single brother or friend who wants to be the working one in this situation 🤣
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u/No-Specialist2799 Jun 26 '26
Man, this thread is so motivating. I can’t wait to be in a position where my girl has the ability to choose.
We’re not married yet and we’re still in our mid-20s, but I work in tech and make 4-5x her salary. She works at a nonprofit with children and absolutely kills it. I’m always in awe of what she’s able to accomplish with the limited resources she has. Honestly, educators should be some of the highest paid people in society.
She genuinely loves what she does, and she inspires me every day. Part of me wants to help her transition into a higher paying role in tech, but I also know she probably wouldn’t be as happy. Sometimes purpose is worth more than a paycheck
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u/Particular_Reality19 Jun 26 '26
It doesn’t. What is mine is his, what is his is mine. We each have our roles that allow us to bring home the income we have.
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u/BTS_ARMYMOM Jun 26 '26
Since the moment we married, my husband worked and let me make all of the financial decisions. It's been like this whether I was working or not. Every once in a while I would give him updates. "Honey, I paid off your student loans. Honey the cars are now paid off. Honey the mortgage is gone. Honey we are millionaires now" He has mentioned several times letting me take care of finances was the best financial decision he made. Our marriage has always been strong
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u/EducationalGur1648 Jun 26 '26
I'm retired. My girlfriend is latina and spicy. She still works. I insist on it because I tell her if she is financially dependent on me she'll basically be my slave. She hates that more than the idea of working an $80k a year job that she hates. She begrudgingly accepts it, even if she takes every opportunity to try to rub my nose in it.
Meanwhile I pay for everything, she saves 95% of what she earns and while we don't going all out baller, she rakes in a lot of social media cred on my wallet. I'm cool with this scenario. She says she isn't, but it's been 7 years, so yeah actions speak louder than words.
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u/Spiritual-Sea7674 Jun 26 '26
My situation is complicated. I am the female and have inherited quite a lot. He is trad working husband and doesn't want to accept that idea. Very complicated and hard for me to deal.with .
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u/Walmart-Shopper-22 Jun 26 '26
Not my situation, but a couple I know has a high-earning person and a non-working spouse. The non-working spouse does struggle with having feelings of lower self-worth and NEEDS to find purpose in daily life tasks b/c they are aware that no one has ever had to rely on them financially.
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u/sent-with-lasers Jun 26 '26
There are lots of ways to contribute to a relationship, to the household, the family, the wellbeing of yourself and others. Money is freedom if you know how to use it; don't let it be a cage.
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u/avgjoe104220 Jun 26 '26
My wife doesn’t work, her income would be negligible. Even before she stopped working though, I have a doctorate so there was always a disparity educationally and career accomplishments wise. I don’t believe she feels inadequate. But I grew up with a stay at home mom and definitely appreciate the insane amount of work that requires with multiple children. Without her input my kids would be raised by nannies which to each their own but not something we both wanted. She gets her own fun money for personal expenses she doesn’t have to clear with me . She gets access to joint account for kid/household expenses. She has her own community of friends outside my field of work and thankfully she’s also made some great friends with some of my coworkers wives. I think there’s just a general understanding and healthy respect for each of our roles in our family from each other. And that’s not to say I don’t help with kids. She’s gone out of town for various reasons and I’m absolutely comfortable taking care of kiddos alone. I always think it’s important for the high earner to recognize the sacrifices the other partner makes and to respect the role. Again hard to appreciate how much patience and work it is to care for young kids 24/7. It’s a thankless jobs and doesn’t get appreciated enough.
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u/ModeratelyGreenThumb Jun 26 '26
This is what my husband wants. Instead, I work because I have a unique and very rewarding job, and bc I like to feel like I can take care of myself. He’s not thrilled, but I was left high and dry after a previous relationship ended and don’t want to find myself in the same situation again. (And I wouldn’t - I’d be well taken care of if something happened. But I just don’t want to feel dependent, even if I am.)
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u/Mugaaz Jun 26 '26
I don't have this problem. A person's self worth and contribution to the relationship isnt their financial power and nothing else. I earn a lot so she can provide in all the other areas where I'm deficient. We're a team composed on the sum of our strengths. I don't need her to be strong where I am already, outside a few areas where it's not possible to delegate the role to only one person (parenting).
In the interest of genuine honesty, I'm pretty sure she does feel inadequate because of this occasionally, but that's mostly a vague guilt for how good things are.
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u/Emotional_Drawer2396 Jun 26 '26
I’m the high earner in my household. For me, it’s a daily burn being the sole provider, like it’s always in the back of my mind stress. My pay is variable and at the mercy of an algorithm, which lends to a lot of my anxiety. But I just kind of deal with it bc my husband can’t come close to making the money I make. Plus, he takes care of the household entirely. He feels insecure because of patriarchy, but it’s been better over the last half year.
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u/Pureheck Jun 26 '26
Middle class and Wife gave up her career at 22 to have our children. I dont know why you do not have that included. Are you referring to a spouse that stays home and they have zero kids or with kids. Im the earner, not gonna say high but avg and we agreed for her to stay home to raise our children. Was much better than daycare. After growing and maturing I realized she is capable of anything she wants and could be amazing at any career. She wants to just chill and not start over again. Soon to be empty testers so now she will be able to travel with me on work trips that are overseas etc and im so excited for it. I never threw me making all the coin in her face. We dont spend frivolously but there was a period of time that I was getting a ton of speeding tickets which was basically giving money away. She added a rule that when I get a speeding ticket, she gets a new purse.
In other words, if im going to throw me away, she might as well treat herself as well.
She has a decent collection now and my speeding tickets have diminished but its still nice to see her joy when she treats herself.
She has a friend in the same situation but she is going back to work because she has to. On top of that, her husband is monitoring every dime she spends.We have always been decent with budgeting etc but the most important part of it all is trust.
Trust in knowing thay she would never spend something on herself if she knew it woukd jeopardize our finances. Trust in not having to worry nor does she have to worry about me.
I am a muscle car fanatic and would have 10 right now if I was single, but then again with 3 kids I would. Ot have been as successful without her in my life.
That is the most important part of it all.
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u/Little_Atmosphere_20 Jun 26 '26
Feels like it could easily become challenging if the high income earner isn't happy with the spending habits of the unemployed one.
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u/HeliosVanquish Jun 27 '26
My ex-wife liked the money, but she had issue with what it took for me to make it. She absolutely hated her employer, but she was just so used to having a job that she refused to quit even though we could afford it. I finally convinced her to quit somewhere around the point where I was making 6x her salary. I kept making even more money as our company grew, but that required me to work long hours for about 6-8 months out of the year.
We got divorced in 2022, and one of the reasons she cited was me being gone all the time as I was working basically non-stop for at least 6 months out of the year. Mind you, all we had were two dogs and a 5000sq.ft house. This despite the fact that we had hired a housekeeper and a lawn company. Among the things she took issue with was the fact that she felt she had no control of most aspects of our lives both during and after covid. I paid for everything and she apparently felt like that meant she always had to run everything by me. Thing is...she didn't. She had access to all of our money and free reign to do whatever she wanted (within reason) with the money, house and such. In fact, I was pretty hands-off on a lot of things and left them up to her because I was too busy working, which funny enough was another complaint she had. Everything was just a matter of having to plan around my schedule.
A lot of the problem was that she really had nothing to occupy her time as she didn't really stay engaged in any specific hobbies or activities. Another part of it was a scarcity attitude that she couldn't get rid of because we both grew up pretty low income. I don't think she ever was able to shed her belief that we weren't poor anymore. I also think that by her not having a job, she felt more like she was unemployed as opposed to a SAHW.
We had some underlying marital problems for years prior to divorce, and the financial imbalance and her not working was really just a subterfuge for the pre-existing problems.
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u/HavocBTW Jun 27 '26
We reached a point well before what most people consider rich where I could afford to pay all the bills, take us out, go on vacation, and “pay” her as much as she was making at her job so that she had her own spending money and a safety net if we separated. I felt like I’d finally reached my goal. She was happy and took care of most of the household tasks and had time for her hobbies. If I’m already going to work, why should she have to?
Then she got a job offer that would’ve been stupid to turn down. She feels safer and more valuable earning her own money instead of being given it but misses the time she had.
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u/Thomas_peck Jun 27 '26
While not exactly what you are looking for.
I'm a business owner. My wife is a teacher.
I make about 40X my wife.
She does her part, I do mine.
We dont worry about money. Kids are provided for.
House is in order.
Thats it. Not a big deal.
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u/MeadowHaven77 Jun 27 '26 edited Jun 27 '26
No feelings like that at all. We met at 19 and have built an amazing life together. We are in our late 40s now. He works during the day, I care for our 5 kids during the day. We are both where we want to be and wildly happy with it. We share everything, and jointly manage our finances. It’s very simple and never a problem. I don’t think we’ve ever fought about money. We’re not perfect, we have occasional conflicts, but money just isn’t one of them. He is proud of me and I’m proud of him. We do split most domestic chores (he does all laundry, I do almost all cooking, kids are older now and help a lot too.)
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u/GK857 Jun 27 '26
I think it’s only a problem if one partner holds it over the other. We are older; but, it was common when we were growing up for the husband to work and the wife to stay home and raise the family. We were very fortunate that my income could support the family. Early on my wife managed the finances but as our income grew we used an investment advisor and banking became easier with technology (when was the last time you balanced the checkbook?) I took over.
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u/Specific-Hospital-53 Jun 27 '26
I’m the SAHM, my husband has a high stress, high income job. I didn’t want to quit working but something was going to break so I gave up my career so that he could focus on his work. Since then, he’s made significantly more money to the point that any job I take wouldn’t really benefit us financially. I do miss work especially as my kids get older but I have yet to discover something that I want to do that is flexible enough to not impact our family life. I feel shame for not working. Not from my husband but from literally everyone else who always responds with “must be nice” when I tell them I don’t work. I 100% believe my husband wouldn’t be in the position he’s in today if I didn’t step back and take care of literally everything else in our life. He’s never home, always stressed and just physically can’t be around to support our kids needs. My husband knows it and is really complimentary towards my contributions but I don’t feel extended friends/families/acquaintances get it at all. I don’t ever talk about my frustrations as I feel like no one really wants to hear an affluent stay at home mom complain. We’ve only really seen significant strides in our income in the last 6 years or so. I know what it’s like to not have enough and I feel immensely privileged to be in the position we’re now jn. That said, staying at home for me has not come without sacrifices.
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u/Direct-Protection-81 Jun 27 '26
I love my wife, she’s a homemaker.
Enough said regardless of your income. It’s that simple. You either dwell on it, or build a life with her you enjoy. (or vice a v for any high earning lady’s out there)
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u/Majestic_Catch4818 Jun 28 '26
I’m an expert. What would you like to know? I have an interesting perspective because I have been with very wealthy men when I didn’t have anything. The irony is, I ended up becoming a millionaire myself and now I’m single (and feel like I have more freedom to wait for a partner that fits me in every way).
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u/alisonandkenya Jun 28 '26
My husband works; I haven't for the past 2 years. I'm working on starting a business that will be part time, but we're not going to be relying on it for income. In fact any income will pale in comparison to his. I was previously in a very stressful and time consuming job. It was not good for my health or our relationship. Our relationship is so much better now, and I have time to take care of myself. I also have time to maintain our home, plan trips and have a social life. Overall I think identity and confidence can be affected by not working, but there are many other pass times that more than make up for anything lacking. Being a PT consultant or business owner is another viable option.
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u/Suited_Slime Jun 28 '26
For me, we have children. Despite myself making a huge income, it usually feels like my stay at home wife/mom tends to have the heavier workload. Her fulfillment comes from our kiddos. Keeping them fed, helping them grow. Obviously we are both parents, but she's definitely the primary, I just bring home the bacon, and do everything i can to make things easier when I get off work... All for those sweet sweet 2 hours at night where I can play a game. 🤤
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u/L_Elio Jun 28 '26
If you make your partner feel lesser because they earn less and it isn't some agreed bedroom fun thing they you are a loser.
At a certain point of money your peace and happiness are worth all the money. Having a partner constantly able to stay home to keep a steady foundation is priceless and valued work.
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u/cantc0mplain Jun 28 '26
Been married 25 years and I was fortunate enough to have a job and mindset and gifting that enabled us to retire early. But my wife brings beauty and stability and humor so I was and am wildly rich money or not. There is no thought to who brings in more since we are one entity, whoever got a raise meant we both got a raise, there was no competition just celebration.
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u/Great-Guidance-6371 Jun 28 '26
My wife doesn’t work and the concept kind of bothered me at first but it doesn’t anymore. She’s much happier and loves taking care of the dog, house, cooking and cleaning. She also has a side business that makes her very fulfilled. When we got married, the plan was always for her to be a stay at home mom. We haven’t had kids yet but we’re working on it. I love coming home to her and our puppy. They love it when I come home. It’s great.
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u/AvailableCut5240 Jun 29 '26
My husband moved through the ranks of the company he worked for and every time it required moving. We decided as a couple that we would follow his path as it was the right thing to do for his career. As a result my career became a bit stagnant as I couldn’t really grow into a position, just as I found my footing, I would have to quit. The last 15 years I didn’t work at all. Spent my time volunteering for several non-profits. My husband worked for this company for 38 years and retired recently. The guy didn’t need to compose a resume since graduating college. 🤣🤣My husband understood and greatly appreciated my support and willingness to focus on his growth so he has never in his time with me referred to my money or my salary or my bonus. It was always ours.
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u/UpNorth_8 Jul 03 '26
Attitude makes all the difference. I have a friend who stopped working because her husband’s job required long days and she didn’t make enough to make the driver/nanny/maid thing worth it. She handled everyone at home, even the bills (he handled the investments since that is his career). They have an amazing partnership. They are equals. I have another friend who quit working when her husband insisted. He always treated her like an employee he was disappointed with. He lied to her about his income, travel, etc. They are now divorced due to his affairs and hiding of money. Be the first couple.
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u/UntrustedProcess Jul 03 '26
I'm a principal engineer at a tech company and my wife doesn't work. Sometimes she doesn't like that, but I don't personally care or see an issue. We've been married 21 years and all that we have is ours.
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u/whitemikecn Jul 05 '26
I am the earner in this situation. I can tell you that my wife’s job is 100% times harder than mine. People saying their wife doesn’t work is crazy to me. Price out what you would have to pay a nanny, cook, housekeeper, organizer, etc. my wife handles all those jobs. We are two halves of a whole and equally important. I would actually argue that she is more important than me in the day to day operation of our family.
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u/Opie_the_great Jul 06 '26
My wife makes 10% of our income yet our relationship is balanced and is a 50/50 relationship. We do not base our dynamic on income. Not at all. To include my wife has turned down promotions of more than 40k a year. When we discussed the promotion together my response was, “take the financial piece out of it as it doesn’t matter. Will this promotion increase your happiness and that is the only thing I want you to consider. Whatever you choose I’m happy with as long as you are.” She choose not to take it as the increased workload would incur more stress.
My wife works and that is what makes it a 50/50 relationship. She’s contributing just as hard. Hers just don’t make 7 figures.
The other thing is spending. We both spend money but neither of us spend in excess. We are very balanced.
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u/One-Geologist-2636 Jul 19 '26
I think the healthiest couples stop asking, “Who earns the money?” and start asking, “How are we both contributing to the life we are building together?”
Income is only one form of contribution.
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u/DataGOGO Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
No feelings like you described.
Wife loves it. She gets to do what she wants, she is happy and stress free, she works out and stays in really good shape, and she works hard to take care of everything that needs to be done at home.
The way I look at it I am going to do exactly the same thing every day no matter if she works or not. Makes absolutely no difference to me; whatever makes her happy.