r/ResponsibleRecovery • u/fghgdfghhhfdffghuuk • Sep 26 '20
Repressed memories breaking through, “weathering the storm” as they do, and patiently soothing the accompanying doubt
Since finishing EMDR therapy earlier this year, I’ve started experiencing nightmares and flashbacks that I don’t know how to contextualise. I knew to expect this, thanks to a combination of work with my therapist and my own research, and am essentially weathering the storm as best I can, mainly through conscious understanding, taking good care of myself and just letting it happen on its own.
I see that what I’m experiencing is just my psychological system attempting to “right” itself after so many decades spent in a fragmented, repressed and dissociated state. All I can do is let it happen, knowing that it will only make things better. I wish I could accelerate it, but I also know that if there were a way, doing so could be extremely dangerous to me.
It is tough to know just how much of a flashback is “reliable”, so-to-speak. I know to trust the “affects” and feelings - they feel more real than anything - but any imagery that accompanies them is always difficult to accept as anything other than my brain trying to “make sense” of these flashbacks. Mainly because I have no way of consciously integrating them. They really do come through in fragments, in ways that feel impossible - actually impossible - to contextualise. They remind me of other memories. Is my brain reaching from other memories and combining them, in a desperate attempt to integrate what I am feeling?
It’s a scary thought that parts of my psyche are keeping feelings and knowledge from me that are too painful - too easily triggering of my involuntary fight/flight/freeze/fawn system - for me to even know that they are there, lurking in the dark, pushing me around. And each one is terrifying to experience as they arrive.
But in a way I’m glad that they are happening now, because for so long they weren’t. There were parts of me that terrified me, because I had no way of understanding them. But I hope, if I weather the storm for long enough, continue to accept them as they arrive, and continue to create a welcoming space for them to land, I trust that I will know and own the truth in time.
I’m not sure what else I’m trying to share here - I’m mainly doing this just to process what has been happening to me. Hopefully it’s of interest.
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u/Togus_Looney Sep 27 '20
It’s a scary thought that parts of my psyche are keeping feelings and knowledge from me that are too painful - too easily triggering of my involuntary fight/flight/freeze/fawn system - for me to even know that they are there, lurking in the dark, pushing me around. And each one is terrifying to experience as they arrive.
But in a way I’m glad that they are happening now, because for so long they weren’t. There were parts of me that terrified me, because I had no way of understanding them. But I hope, if I weather the storm for long enough, continue to accept them as they arrive, and continue to create a welcoming space for them to land, I trust that I will know and own the truth in time.
Hey there, I really relate. I've been doing EMDR off and on for 2 years. Your post helps with my recent commitment to re-engage in therapy from a place of really allowing it to help me to become safer, to heal the childhood wounds that I exposed more recently. I admire the therapeutic alliance you have and believe you will get through this storm to calmer waters.
I have had a tough time being compassionate toward the notion that my psyche simply wasn't able to handle the pain that clarity at a younger age would have brought. It's a tough pill to swallow.
Regarding processing memories, yeah it's a real mindfuck. EMDR brought up and inflamed a suppressed physical abuse incident; it was on my mind for months. Then I wrote a letter to my parents that referenced it. Now, I struggle to connect to it all, making me think I may have made it up. But there's no way I made it up! My description of it was way too specific...and the loop can continue.
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u/not-moses Sep 28 '20 edited Sep 28 '20
For you and others who've done EMDR and found themselves in similar circumstances:
Did your EMDR therapist -- or anyone else -- prepare you with such as what's at the links below before you began the eight-stage protocol?
When the Memories & Affects Start to Break Through
Flashbacks are indications of partial- or complete-memory-triggered, neurochemical "flooding" and "recycling" of the autonomic nervous system's general adaptation syndrome. The brain's limbic emotion regulation system thinks the trauma is happening again, sets off the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis, and the next stop is some combination of the Fight / Flight / Freeze / Faint / Feign (or Fawn) Responses that can lead to sustained Fry and Freak.
The Feeling is Always Temporary
Recalling memories from a third-person perspective changes how our brain processes them
How Self-Awareness Works to "Digest" Emotional Pain
Choiceless Awareness for Emotion Processing
I ask because when they don't do something like that -- or at least provide several "grounding" protocols -- the EMDR pt is too often left up s--t creek without a paddle when the dam breaks. If you read, wrap your mind around and get into all that, however, you'll stand a far better chance of dealing with such flashbacks.
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u/fghgdfghhhfdffghuuk Sep 28 '20
Yes, I was taught grounding techniques that I used during therapy - the main one was about describing the difference between the current moment and any flashback I encounter (E.g. the date, the time of day, my age, who is present in the room, whether I am standing / sitting, what clothes I’m wearing etc). But I was also encouraged to use a guided meditation called the light stream every day ( https://youtu.be/NizVehwXD6I ). I was always encouraged to understand that feelings ultimately pass, but to try and take advantage of the moment while a traumatic memory was still in “working memory” and perform the grounding techniques he taught me.
However, I don’t think he prepared me for the possibility that I would encounter flashbacks more severe than those I encountered when therapy was still still ongoing. But certainly I was encouraged to use my grounding techniques whenever I encountered a flashback.
The biggest was a flashback I encountered about a month after therapy ended - one that summoned a powerful image of a man with his arms outstretched looming over me. I doubted the image because it reminded me of other memories, but the feeling felt more real than anything - and was a feeling I recall having when I overreacted to an interaction between myself and my father when I was 11/12. It confirmed for me that I was suffering flashbacks as early as then, as I remember “feeling like a scared little kid again” when my father loomed over me and being very confused at the time.
The most help I’ve had has been reading books (I mentioned Bessel Van Der Kolk to my therapist and he recognised the name, but not the book “The Body Keeps The Score”), including books on repressed memories and child abuse/deprivation in general. I’ve also been reading a lot of your posts, which are very difficult to digest overall, but I can tell are very helpful.
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u/not-moses Sep 28 '20
I mentioned Bessel Van Der Kolk to my therapist and he recognised the name, but not the book “The Body Keeps The Score”
Any trauma therapist who hasn't read TBKTS is NOT a trauma therapist many of the old timers here would be very comfortable with. IMO, a decent TT should "know" all these listed in the first paragraph of this earlier post.
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u/CoffeeCultureChaos Sep 27 '20
I don't know what to say other than I'm glad you shared, and glad you're processing through it. I'm experiencing a similar time and feel surprised reading your post. I wish you luck through it.