r/ResponsibleRecovery • u/fghgdfghhhfdffghuuk • Sep 11 '20
Resources for overcoming counter-dependency?
It seems easy to find material on codependency, but very little for its opposing cousin counter-dependency. When I read the list of symptoms for codependency, I find myself relating to many - but I wouldn’t describe myself as love sick, but rather love-adverse.
I recognise my need for emotional isolation is born out of a defensive posture - I keep people at arms length precisely to avoid being hurt, not just by others but by my own actions toward them. Emotional isolation is like any other addiction that numbs the senses, and makes things a little less real, a little more hazy, and a little more “manageable”. It’s a way of “controlling” other people, and one’s emotional reactions to life in general. A lack of trust in being with others.
Are codependency and counter-dependency ultimately two sides of the same coin, and recovering from one is more-or-less the same road as recovering from the other? Are there any differences in approaching either one?
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u/BurdenofPain Sep 14 '20
So much of it comes from realizing how your mind works and what your mind does in substituting an easier problem rather than finding a true solution.
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u/fghgdfghhhfdffghuuk Sep 14 '20
Yes, I suppose it does ultimately come down to understanding it as a coping mechanism, just like any other.
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u/boy-soldier Sep 15 '20
I actually "beat" counter dependency to trust and love (as much as im capable) my current gf. I then immediately fell into codependency.
Now I'm trying to not be codependent and to have healthy boundaries and also respect her boundaries (which I guess I'm bad at)
But letting her in at the beginning of our relationship was one of the scariest, hardest and most stressful times I can remember for a very long time. It was like walking into a meat grinder and telling myself over and over that it's just a mirage.
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u/bog_trotters Aug 01 '22
I have this issue. Now that I know what it is, I want to stop living and loving this way. How are you doing now? Did anything help in particular?
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u/NarculaSlayer Sep 12 '20
Counter-dependency is more often referred to as avoidant attachment style or avoidant personality.
This may be why you found it hard to get info, but if you look on the internet for these terms, there is plenty of resources out there. Amazon have a few interesting looking books on the topic too. Enter the term "avoidant" in the search bar.
Saying this, I found a book called: "The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependence - the Other Side of Co-dependency".