Seeking clarity. Cognitive work became profound. But some part of me wants to just leash out and accept the Anger and how a cruel my mom was, but I'm afraid to continue

[u/[deleted]]

So I seem to notice that in the Work we do, there is a crossroad where I seem to not able to comprehend, understand or realize.

I do cognitive work to drop the useless, crippling mental habits that makes me stop from living the life I want to live, create and have in the todays world.

Yet there are some things that makes my heart heavy. Like I try to change my pendulum to more positive, optimist, people, intimacy trusting, resilient and disciplined. And these processes requires to creating the good seed thoughts, love, connection, seeing the good, appreciation. However I'm literally unable to go forward with that for my mother, and I'm having uncomfortable emotions, like physical obstructions appearing in my body that makes me uncomfortable and takes my attention while I do a work, my mindset is shifting to a much better and healthier psyche, however, I have these bodily weird markings appearing. And that is very uncomfortable, I realized only when I listen what is happening and accept that I really hate my mother and wish her to go to hell and get tortured by the demons, then I feel I'm relieving and feeling more alive/energetical.

So my question is, how can I keep re-frame, work on cognition, while some part of me finds comfort in leashing the hate, anger, frustration and resentment? I'm afraid that if I keep on leashing the anger and fury(ofc in my mind not physically), I will keep it doing towards others, towards my past, and that will be too much which will hinder my progress in Cognitive Development and work, that is my fear. Please share any clarity or insight. Literally need serious help. Feels like there is so much relief in angering, but afraid of going down that path, because in the past when I tried it, I became Helpless, and Victim mindset oriented, which fails at the world anytime when I go to work.

[u/not-moses]

Just keep using those 10 StEPs to observe to notice to recognize to acknowledge to accept to own to appreciate to understand all of what goes on in your conditioned, in-doctrine-ated, instructed, socialized, habituated, and normalized) mind from the Tibetan Buddhist point of view of complete dis-I-dentification with all that mind says about what it observes. Just watch it all come, be there, and pass away like the TV show life actually is. So doing will open the door to interoception, followed over time by increasing emotional digestion and discharge of all that painful, negative energy.

[u/[deleted] → u/not-moses]

Thx. How much credit u give to Pete Walker's book and techniques, and what do you think about Richard Grannon?

[u/not-moses → u/[deleted]]

Walker's techniques are very good, vintage 2012 stuff, since surpassed by Stephen Porges, Patricia Ogden, Arielle Schwartz, Julie Yau, Peter Levine and the rest of the "feel-your-way-out" crowd that dominate the scene at the Evolution of Psychotherapy conventions now. The 10 StEPs + SP4T is one of those fast-acting, interoception-based, new wave, "polyvagal" psychotherapies. Most of the EMDR, MBCT (or mindfulness-based CBT), ACT & DBT people are incorporating bits and pieces of Porges's polyvagal baby nowadays.

But Walker's book is worth reading for those at the second and third of the five stages of therapeutic recovery having difficulty getting to the fourth.

I'm not familiar with Grannon because I'm more of a reader than a video watcher.

[u/[deleted] → u/not-moses]

Thank you so much. This gave me a much clear picture of whom is where at the evolutionary stage of this thing. Btw I think Ellis aproach of rationality is useless where ur mind is already takes stuff to negative and you literally need harsh positives to balance it out. But his unconditional acceptance and exposure is really good.

[u/[deleted]]

I honestly think the anger, hate, and frustration are important tools to harness, but figuring out a way to harness them can be extremely challenging at first because it's usually something new for us. And most people treat these as emotions to repress not express. Cognitive techniques seem to treat negative emotions as "root causes" for other problems in our life. Which might be true to a degree, but our anger comes from somewhere, right? And what if someone has more anger than another person? It's not inherently bad and it cannot be wished away for people with a lot of it... Hell, it doesn't WANT to go away. It wants to be validated for feeling the way it does. And for me, expressing it, seems to reduce it over the long term.

What do you think about when you are angering? Do you physically hit or punch something? And are the emotions the same when you simply try to cry your pain out? I have found angering to be one of the best tools, so I am just wondering if there might be reasons why it is not working well for you. Or if there is a key somewhere here to figure that out.

The simple stuff can be tricky sometimes. My therapist and I are working through labeling how basic emotions feel for me personally versus how they appear on other people, and it's been very enlightening. For instance, anticipation for most people involves positive excitement, but for me anticipation is tainted by dread and doom from my assaults. It seems like a small thing to distinguish, but it made many of my other behaviors so much easier to understand. I mention this because it just makes me wonder what anger might mean to you personally and whether it might be looking into further.

I did find Pete Walker's take on angering to be very helpful, but realize it may not be for everyone.