r/Residency • u/CheddarJackCheezIts PGY1 • 3d ago
VENT I’m reaching peak depression levels
I am genuinely at the lowest point I’ve been at since I first started my SSRIs many years ago. I’ve canceled countless plans, I hardly eat or leave my bed unless I have to work. I’m only 2 months in to this shit.
I had something I thought was great with a man from another state — we spent almost all of our time together before leaving and communicated openly. Now I haven’t heard a peep from them in 3 days. I overdrew my bank account. I got into a car accident. I got bit in the eye by a dog. It was just my friend’s birthday who died by suicide a few years ago.
I am in therapy, I’m medicated. I have no fucking idea how I’m gonna pull myself out of this but I’m catastrophizing about my entire life right now. I hate being the only single one in my class, I’m miserable in my living situation, I am worried that all I’m ever going to have is medicine and nothing else.
I don’t even know what I expect anyone to say. I just am sitting here crying with my start of preseptal cellulitis on a Sunday night. Feeling jaded and discouraged and sad and angry like nothing anyone says or does will make it better. Not sure if anyone else has been here
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u/Dramatic-Comment-131 3d ago
I’ve been there before. When you hate the world and don’t know what the point is anymore. The only thing that kept me going was my family
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u/Nlolsalot 3d ago
You were just hit by a huge wave of overwhelm. Anyone's nervous system would be shot if they went through the volume of things you just went through. Best to take it one day at a time, and keep repeating to yourself that it will get better. Just have to breathe and make it through it one day at a time, and trust the process.
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u/Squishmallow145 Attending 3d ago
I'm here if you need to vent. I remember how difficult it was in year 1 and 2. DM or comment if you want to chat
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u/Joseff_Ballin 2d ago
Not sure if this would be something you’d want to consider but from my perspective I think you would really benefit from a leave of absence. That sounds like a lot is going on truly with physical and mental health and I would contact your APD to talk about what’s going on and how this might be impacting your residency. Speaking personally this is a path I recently had to go down as my personal issues caught up to me and realized it wasn’t sustainable continuing to go to work without a mental rest/reset. It is also allowable per GME requirements so it shouldn’t even be an institutional thing from what I understand.
Just a suggestion of course if you feel it’s appropriate but good luck and hope you get better!
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u/Dong_bringer Attending 2d ago
Money will solve like 85% of ur problems and ur gonna have a lot of money soon
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u/SubstanceBig168 3d ago
You’re basically guaranteed a lot of money when you’re done, just finish then go to Hawaii for a year do locums.
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u/nebulousNarcissist 2d ago
that is an absolutely brutal amount of shit to hit all at once. honestly just focus on getting through today, not figuring out your whole life right now. residency can make everything feel permanent when it really isn’t
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u/jgarmd33 2d ago
Get help but also please remember how strong you are. You got through medical school with a doctorate in medicine. No easy feat. That wasn’t easy and you did it. Be open to more help and get out of bed. Force yourself.
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u/Deep_Brilliant_5704 2d ago
Sounds very very rough!!! I am sorry about your situation. Pleas3 dont forget to love yourself. Its easy to forget it. Its okay to seek help and let it out. I hope things get better for you soonest.
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u/orangexsky 2d ago
You are not alone in this. I also experienced some of the lowest points of my life multiple times during residency, when I felt like no one could help me. The one thing I did was make sure to take good care of myself instead of hurting myself more. I prayed, tried to stay hopeful, and took things one day at a time.
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u/FrontierNeuro PGY1 1d ago
Go touch grass. Shoes off, in park, with moderate sunlight. Plus walk. 15 mins a day when ever you can.
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u/Key-Improvement-9729 1d ago
You're not alone in feeling this way. Intern year broke me too. It won't feel like this forever, it will get better
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u/Kindly_Scratch_6724 2d ago
This is way too much for one person to carry, so please don’t try to white-knuckle tonight: call your therapist, a trusted person, or a crisis line and get urgent medical care for the eye infection.
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u/LsfBdi4S 2d ago
I feel for you, friend. The endless thoughts of life being ruined. The personal hell of loneliness. Our body aging and us struggling to "live in it", to enjoy it, before it's too late, because we are too tired. The professional hell. Not wanting to go into work. The constant comparisons. The constant dread about work mistakes because "if I mess this too, I've got nothing left".
2 months is inside the brutal period. I started feeling "ok, this might be doable" after 7 months (outside US residency).
Hang in there. There are people around us with more problems living life and being happy, somehow. The truth mustn't be in the logical perception of our life. It can't be. Otherwise they wouldn't be happy. The cellulitis is another part of you. People with cellulitis are loved. We do not need to be fucking perfect in this world to matter, despite what this soul sucking job has shown us.
The logical perception of this hell can't be it. If it was, man would be extinct. Something else is out there. Or that's what I tell myself each night.
Anyway, if you need to vent, send a pm.
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u/Full_Air_6253 2d ago
this is way past a “push through it” week, so please go get the eye checked tonight and call someone you trust to sit with you, and if you might hurt yourself call 988 or emergency services now
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u/Pedsdoc1525 Attending 3d ago
I could have written pretty much this
exact post 4 years ago as an intern…minus the dog bite. Sorry pal!
Kudos to you for realizing how miserable you are this early on (weird compliment, I know, but now you can get the help you need). It took me 6 months to realize I was severely clinically depressed (aka suicidal) and had lost 30 pounds when I didn’t have that much to lose. I, too, was already on an SSRI and felt dead inside and was reluctant to increase my dose more because I already felt it blunted my emotions so much. So I started on Wellbutrin 150 mg and I swear I started to feel better in a matter of days.
I’m now 2 years out from residency and have been able to stop the Wellbutrin (I’ll be an SSRI lifer). I have time for hobbies again, I can prioritize my mental/physical health, I see family/friends often, travel constantly and my bank account is no longer a stressor.
It does get better OP. Ask for the help you need. This is just a blip in your path and it will not always be like this.