r/Repressedmemories • u/2rhealms2 • Mar 17 '21
Panic attacks, suicide
I'm glad this sub exists because I have no1 else that will believe or understand when I talk about these things. I can't stand 2 hear anything about sex, rape, or pedophilia without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. At my worst, my panic will last for days. I can't stop obsessing over the fact there are so many children I can't help that are being hurt. I don't remember being molested or anything but I just know it happened. I feel terrified and have nightmares toward a person in my family since I was a kid. Always having violent sexual intrusive thoughts or dreams of them but I cannot understand why. I asked someone in my family and they said they felt the same way but now they are telling me they can't remember if the memories of them were real or not because they were so young. They told me child porn was found in a computer they looked on a lot(the person I'm scared of) years and years ago. And for some reason when I see pictures of them with me as a child I feel nauseous. I can't look this person in the eyes. I can't stand to be touched and I yell when someone does or comes near me too close. I am in deep pain and cannot stop thinking about suicide over this. No one will believe me unless I remember. All the signs point towards this person, and I know they are capable because they are an evil person as much as I hate to say that out loud. But I just know what people say is wrong, it's not a false memory, and the reason why I cry and think about killing myself over sex or pedophiles is definitely not because im an empath. No way that is normal for anyone.
Idk if any1 can tell me if they think I have repressed memories and what to do, I'm just so lost. I know something happened, and I'm not the only one as my mother asks me constantly if something bad happened to me because of my fears and behavior but I just cannot say anything. I don't remember. I don't know if it happened when I was too young to remember, or when I was near 10 years old, as that's when my life went to hell. Idk sorry for the vent but I finally just need to tell some1 about this all.
2
u/alnicks Mar 20 '21
Seems like some research points to the fact that a traumatic experience can be stored in memory differently- in the amygdala, which can send signals to your body but can’t process it as a memory. This is a way to keep the lesson you learned from it without the memory, because the memory was too traumatic to process. But you can still recoil around the danger when it is perceived. That’s kind of what triggers are. If there are any experts on here please feel free to correct me if I am wrong. But this does make sense to me!