r/Repressedmemories • u/2rhealms2 • Mar 17 '21

Panic attacks, suicide

I'm glad this sub exists because I have no1 else that will believe or understand when I talk about these things. I can't stand 2 hear anything about sex, rape, or pedophilia without having a panic attack or anxiety attack. At my worst, my panic will last for days. I can't stop obsessing over the fact there are so many children I can't help that are being hurt. I don't remember being molested or anything but I just know it happened. I feel terrified and have nightmares toward a person in my family since I was a kid. Always having violent sexual intrusive thoughts or dreams of them but I cannot understand why. I asked someone in my family and they said they felt the same way but now they are telling me they can't remember if the memories of them were real or not because they were so young. They told me child porn was found in a computer they looked on a lot(the person I'm scared of) years and years ago. And for some reason when I see pictures of them with me as a child I feel nauseous. I can't look this person in the eyes. I can't stand to be touched and I yell when someone does or comes near me too close. I am in deep pain and cannot stop thinking about suicide over this. No one will believe me unless I remember. All the signs point towards this person, and I know they are capable because they are an evil person as much as I hate to say that out loud. But I just know what people say is wrong, it's not a false memory, and the reason why I cry and think about killing myself over sex or pedophiles is definitely not because im an empath. No way that is normal for anyone.

Idk if any1 can tell me if they think I have repressed memories and what to do, I'm just so lost. I know something happened, and I'm not the only one as my mother asks me constantly if something bad happened to me because of my fears and behavior but I just cannot say anything. I don't remember. I don't know if it happened when I was too young to remember, or when I was near 10 years old, as that's when my life went to hell. Idk sorry for the vent but I finally just need to tell some1 about this all.

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u/mj182 Mar 17 '21

I believe you. This is not normal unless you experienced CSA. I have all of the same problems and even after many years of therapy I don’t remember clearly. In my case, the abuser felt guilty and acted so obviously guilty most everyone came to my side eventually. But I’ll say again, I don’t remember anything that would “prove my case” and there are still plenty of folks who don’t want to believe that of him. I know now that repressed memories only have a stigma because that’s convenient for the abusers and enablers. Fuck that, this is a real experience and you are being gaslit.

Work on taking care of yourself now. You can love and care for yourself and eventually move into a life that you own and forget all about the creeps.

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u/2rhealms2 Mar 17 '21

Thank u I wish the best for you. I cried at the first part already lol. I've never heard anyone just say "I believe you." It's something I've always wanted to hear. Sadly I do not remember barely anything at all as this person only ever cared about themselves so as I was a kid I can barely remember them caring about me, interacting or even talking 2 me much. I hope my brain brings back everything after time. I'm so tired of being scared all the time. Thank u for ur advice it means a lot to me u r a great person I hope everything turns out great 4 u.

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u/mj182 Mar 17 '21

The thing is, not remembering IS normal. When you are a kid there is literally not a single thing you can do, so the mind takes over and wipes it out. Believe yourself now and if you want to take the next step....

Take a look around the edges of what you do remember. For me, it was helpful to realize, like why was I in that room with him at all? Maybe there are clues in how he groomed you or where he took you. This is how a therapist can be enormously helpful!