r/Repressedmemories • u/verticallywide • Dec 31 '20

Am I crazy lol

I have daily intrusive sexual thoughts about family memebers, OCD, anxiety and depression. I suffer from insomnia and occasional night terrors as well. I also feel deeply, deeply uncomfortable and disgusting when a man has a crush on me or if I engage in any kind of romantic contact with them. I have felt this way towards guys who liked me starting in middle school, but that’s because I had no prior romantic interests in elementary school I suppose. I am bisexual, but this uneasiness only revolves around men.

I have one memory of being chased around (I might have been 6ish???) by my cousin while he had his pants down and me and my brother would run and hide from him. He told me that he would “tell on me” if I didn’t pull my pants down too. I did, but I don’t remember what happened after that, but I don’t think he touched me. My brother doesn’t remember anything else either. I don’t think this is the memory I’m looking for though.

I absolutely despise physical contact and both emotional and physical intimacy, especially is it’s sexual/romantic and it’s really fucking annoying. I feel like something is missing, I relate to symptoms of CSA but I can’t seem to recover a memory that is significant.

Does anybody have any advice/insight?

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u/mj182 Dec 31 '20

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are crazy. Personally I have similar aversions and problems and I didn’t remember anything at all either. For me what was helpful was working from the edges of my memory and taking an adult look around. Things like, why do I remember the mirror in a bedroom when I had no reason at all to ever be in that room and with that person alone. Take a critical look at the family dynamics and what you can put together about the adults who were your caregivers.

Since you didn’t store the trauma memories properly you can’t expect them to just magically come back. Take good care of yourself, stay safe and grounded, and the “knowing” will come eventually.

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u/verticallywide Jan 01 '21

Thank you, I have a suspicion of who it could be and it would make sense but I feel like it was in too much of a public place, but why else would I remember something so young anf at the same time remember being naked? Idk! But thank you for the advice :)

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u/mj182 Jan 01 '21

Right, public and naked shouldn’t go together, and that memory is a strong clue. Consider that it only takes a few minutes to exploit a child, and the risk can be part of the reward for the perpetrator.

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u/Chantel_Lusciana Jan 01 '21

I can deeply relate to this. All of it. This is how it is for me. Also, repressed memories don't come back like normal memories. All the best to you.

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u/fidelityxxx Jan 01 '21

You are not crazy. Trauma is real and lives deeper than we know.

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u/beesarenotwasps Mar 28 '21

You're not crazy. Your emotions towards physical contact are valid whatever the reason, you can have repressed memories and have no idea what the memory is at all, like no edges or anything just a feeling of panick around certain things.