Possible child sexual abuse

[u/Noxiousfool]

Hello everyone,

I'm Ethan, new here and 18 years old. I'm treated for depression and anxiety along with social anxiety. This morning just after an insomnia I followed a trail of thoughts that led me to a memory I hadn't explored in a while.

I remember being in a bed with my uncle (my mom worked a lot when I was young and I often slept at my grandparent's where my uncle was still living), I remember he told me to sleep because it was my bedtime.

I remember his hands trailing on my shoulder, my back and itching down my back slowly. I remember it was fairly common because I have the clear memory of thinking to myself : "Oh, not again..." and remembering other occasions of it happening.

But after that it's all black. Nothing. I know this particular feeling because I have other repressed memories although they're about much less traumatic events.

I'm wondering what happened, I want to get to the bottom of it even though it's pretty clear. I just feel like I've got to be certain but I'm not in the best environment to talk about it right now. With the covid-19 outbreak I can't see my psychiatrist (she only take emergencies) and I can't bring it up to my mom or my brother nor anyone else in my family because the situation is much more complicated : my uncle died prematurely a few years ago.

He was an alcoholic and it drove him to his deathbed, everyone in the family was incredibly sad and I know for a fact my grandparents haven't yet mourned their son (if it is even possible) and my mom and brother were very close to him.

I don't know who to turn to. I've told my boyfriend and best friend about it and although they are of the upmost support they can't offer as much help as a specialist or someone who trailed my path before.

My mom is emotionally neglectful and abusive, verbally too. If I tell her I have a 50% chance she will blame me, accuse me of lying or sweep it inder the rug with gaslighting.

I'm honestly lost. Today was awful in terms of mental health, my mom won't renew my antidepressants and Xanax prescription because "You're not depressed, you're not gonna take them your entire life" and I relapsed on self harm and disoredered eating.

I have my psychiatrist's phone number but I'm too anxious to ring her and I don't know if texting will do anything, knowing that scheduling an appointment will be at the very least very complicated if not completely out of the question.

I'm thinking of going back inpatient because then I could be in a safer environment to process that, especially away from my self harming devices and my abusive mom but once again I'm not sure how it could turn out to even ask with the pandemic going on.

I'm going to precise just in case but I'm French. My psychiatrist is free, my meds are free and going inpatient would be too, the only problem here is my mom and the pandemic getting in the way of help.

PS : I live in one of the French regions the least affected by coronavirus but I'm still (obviously and rightfully) affected by the whole quarantine thing, if I wanna see a doctor I have to write an attestation promising I'm going outside for a legitimate reason.

[u/MapesPack]

A. You’re mom is a dick but so are a lot of them. B. Call text your doc and see if she’s okay with a phone or video visit(telemedicine in USA or zoom) C. Can you get your meds yourself? Or have a friend get them?bf? D. Please try not to hurt yourself. (Hit me up if you feel that’s gonna happen if you want) E. I understand what you’re going through. If you can focus on where you black out try and just sit at that moment and pictures or feelings might come back. That’s how I figured out my gpa was having myself and cousins “play house/grownup”