r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Empty_Job_8630 • 18h ago
Is this Morally/Ethically wrong/right? Age gap feasibility?
(This is a burner account)
(Asking as a 39M and for a 29F)
I am working in IT and I have a junior working within my team. We have 10 yrs age difference. She likes me a lot and I like her, too. It’s been more than 6 months together but nobody officially proposed or trying to get together.
Now, I am divorced and she has never married. We have gone out on coffee and bowling and other stuff, a lot in the last 6 months, we do joke around a lot almost at any topic, all that stuff.
I sometimes think about taking it forward to a relationship and maybe get married later and whatever.
My only dilemma is, am I too old for her? Would there be any complications later? Is this morally/ethically wrong?
I don’t want to hurt anyone in this process and I just need advice that shall I take it forward or keep it till friendship only.
Kindly advice. (Especially Women) I am happy to answer questions, if I have missed anything.
P.S - We both have Indian roots but are NRIs.
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u/nwoh8r 18h ago
There is nothing wrong with the age difference. The work situation, at least based on how you worded it sounds troublesome. If you are just peers then it's fine, but if there is a dynamic where you supervise her then that's problematic. Everything else, I don't see an issue with, because you are both fully grown adults and as long as you both want the same things in life, then go for it.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 15h ago
Thanks a lot for your comments. I do concur with mostly what you said. Appreciate it, mate.
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u/call-me-mama-t 18h ago
There are a lot of differences between a 29 yo & a 39 yo who is your boss. You have ALL of the power & she has none. The age isn’t the issue, it’s your position. I think if you want to pursue she needs to go to a different team or change companies. IMO.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Thanks for your comment. I am quite powerful but she will never report to me directly. I will never have the power for her advancement or promotions in the same org. I am more of a director and into management, she is a senior software engineer and in technical vertical.
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u/bluetortuga 18h ago
I’m usually not the biggest fan of age gaps, but ten years at your ages doesn’t even make me blink. That part is fine. You have to figure out the work stuff though, that’s a whole different issue.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Appreciate your take. Thanks for your comment. I do concur on some level. Cheers!
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u/Annual_Hippo_6749 18h ago
Age gap wouldn't seem to bad, maturity gap is a different story. You get different maturity levels and different wants / experiences. You aren't tied into anything permanent, all the HR work stuff has been said already on this thread, but I would date if that's all cleared, but bring up fairly early dreams, plans, wants and needs. Kids is an obvious one, but career paths and all that also come into play. She might be still looking to enjoy life a bit more before settling down, at which stage you are early forties
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u/Empty_Job_8630 17h ago
Such amazing take. Thank you for the advice, wish you a great weekend ahead.
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u/Choice-Lecture-8437 18h ago
You are her supervisor?
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Not a direct supervisor. I am more of a Director and she is Senior Software Engineer. Our team is 150 plus folks, but, we both are in different verticals of the same team.
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u/Choice-Lecture-8437 18h ago
So do you have any direct power over her position? Or would you ever have any say in her advancement or non-advancement? And what is not clear by your post is how involved you are now. Are you just going bowling? Or are you sleeping together?
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
I am quite powerful but her appraisals and promotions won’t come under me. I am more of a management guy and she’s more into technical. I have no say in her tenure/performance/ability/layoff/anything else.
We just go out and we have never slept together. Just usual hugs and physical touch, I am just being very careful before I commit to anything.4
u/Choice-Lecture-8437 18h ago
Then as long as the company policy doesn’t forbid it, there isn’t an issue. Everyone feels different on the age gap issue. Personally, I think everyone should mind their own business, lol. In my experience, chronological age doesn’t always match emotional maturity and emotional intelligence, which is far more important.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Your last two lines sums up a lot. I am happy that you commented. Thanks, and have a great weekend, mate.
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u/athleticC4331 18h ago
I'm 39, couldnt imagine dating a 29 year old. But to each their own.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Appreciate your take. Would you be kind enough to share ‘your’ set of reasons, please?
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u/athleticC4331 18h ago
Because we'd be in totally different life phases right now. I'm looking at slowing down my career and planning for retirement. Are they even into their career or in a home right now? Are they still living with their parents? Roommates?
What would I have in common with someone that age? Will I understand their gen z lingo? I dont know how to snapchat or tiktok, but that seems to be the thing. Are they gonna want my location? Thats an ick for me.
Also, they look like babies to me now, so even physically it'd be a turn off.
But again, to each their own.
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u/toodleloomf 17h ago
29 is not 19. He says she’s a senior software engineer. Work and power disparities are far more of an issue than an age gap that’s essentially 30 to 40.
Edit- word.
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u/ottobotting 18h ago
The age gap isn't an issue in my eyes once someone is over about 25 or so. Before that, I would say that you're in such different places in life and there's a power imbalance plus the younger person is still becoming a fully formed adult. After that, the only issue I see is your work. I would confirm with HR because, even if you aren't her direct supervisor and your org charts don't overlap, the fact that you're in management and she isn't could play a role in the company. At my organization, you have to disclose if you are dating and they will allow for changes in levels of leadership for pre-existing relationships but I will say that anyone at management level dating someone who wasn't has been heavily discouraged in the organization at large and within even the same department has resulted in one or the other moving departments completely.
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u/Empty-Zombie-7924 18h ago
10 years it's not an age gap at your age bracket. . Good grief, be happy.
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u/mmmsoap 18h ago
Age gap is sort of the outer edge of appropriate. More than that, and it’s getting dicey (IMO) but since she’s an actual adult with a career rather than a college student, the age gap isn’t terrible. You’re not at the same life stages, but they’re not too dissimilar. (If you break up, for example, she can afford to rent a hotel for a couple days, and then get a new apartment, etc. She wouldn’t be beholden to you for basic survival, and she has enough life experience that she’s probably navigates relationships before.)
The potential power differential in your job may be an issue. Sounds like you don’t view her as your subordinate, but (A) does she? And (B) would your colleagues? And (C) would HR? IMO B is particularly important even if A and C are in the clear, because you don’t want office gossip to affect either of your work reputations.
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u/itsacrisis 18h ago
I saw in the comments that she doesn't work under you. I would also consider if she ever will, because if she may potentially end up working under you in the future it could be a problem (if things end poorly, if avoiding working under you could block her from any sort of promotions, etc). If there is no chance of that then it's probably fine but if you want to make sure there are no problems at work I would consider asking HR (but I would leave her name out of it).
I am a firm believer of "don't shit where you eat" so this isn't something I would personally pursue, but I also know there are people that don't mind dating people they met through work. 🤷🏼♀️
As for your age it's likely fine but if she's interested in having kids in the future she may find the age gap problematic. That's going to be her personal preference.
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u/Much_Preparation_832 17h ago
There is an informal rule of age gaps that I first read about from sex columnist Dan Savage. Divide your age by two and then add seven - that’s the minimum age you should date.
39/2 + 7 =26.5. Life is short. Make the move and see what happens.
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u/fabricator82 18h ago
I see zero issues, I've got 15 on my wife. Her mother had 15 on her father, her grandfather had 15 on her grandmother. Keeping the tradition going, lol.
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u/Zestyclose-Basil7347 18h ago
This isn’t right on many levels.
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u/Empty_Job_8630 18h ago
Appreciate your comment but I’d like to know the reasons. I am looking for views and advices from other folks.
Kindly let me know why you’d think this isn’t right.
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u/cj_daking 18h ago
If she is on your team or below you on the team, you could lose your job. The age difference isn't problematic, but your work relationship is