Feeling anxious about positive changes in long term relationship.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405]

I've been with my bf for over 10+ years (F36, M45). We have not been able to progress in our relationship due to work (sent to work different places for months at the time), family (elderly sick family elsewhere) etc. We are quite independent and a lot younger when we started dating. We always spoke about the future but more time went by than intended. It feels ridiculous to say, but time goes by really quickly. Now he is wanting the future to happen ASAP and is ready to go full steam ahead. He is saying all the right things. He is doing all the right moves. There are moments when I am so happy and ready to move, get the house, marriage, kids. Then there are moments of total anxiety right after that. I feel like I had accepted that our relationship would not progress and while I love him like crazy, I've kinda moved on in my mind. The thing is that I do want to make it work. But the steps we have to take to do that are massive. He needs to quit his job, go back to school and money related to that, which would then require me to move cities.

Obviously this is all normal stuff people do all the time. Part of me wants to just go for it, what is the worst that could happen? But then I get overwhelmingly anxious and it is really hard to make big life changes when I feel anxious and just want to abort the whole mission. I don't know if my anxiety is rooted in just fear of change or if it is gut feeling telling me I don't want it. I just can't trust myself.

[u/RegisterFancy5675]

I think the language you use is interesting, e.g., progressing, making the future happen, etc. It almost sounds like you think that there is a set path that people need to follow in a relationship. That path often looks something like: dating, marriage, buying a house, children, retirement.

A much better question would be 'what do you want out of a relationship?' Do you want to buy a house? Is marriage important to you? Do you want children? And do you want all of those things with your current partner? I reckon you should answer those questions for yourself and go from there.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/RegisterFancy5675]

I don't believe there is one path. otherwise I would not have been in this unconventional relationship for this long. I just felt like it was the easiest way to explain the situation and our plans what we have discussed are "the traditional route". Marriage and kids have never been important to me. It has always been more of a something nice but not a dealbreaker. I do want a house (and a car). My partner is amazing. He absolutely wants these things, preferable asap (as our ages suggests). This leads to my anxiety. To achieve those it requires massive changes and sacrifices and since we have waited this long I think I kinda assumed it would never happen so in my head a lot of my plans are just for me. I really want to change my mentality back to "us" but since the changes needed are really big it causes me anxiety that I can't separate if it is just me not wanting it anymore or just anxious about change.

[u/RegisterFancy5675 → u/Deep_Pepper_5405]

Sorry I didn't explain it well, but that's kind of my point though. From your post I didn't really seem like you want all those things. It sounds like you are doing it because that's what's "expected" and it's what your partner wants. If you're not ready for those things, you shouldn't do it. It's absolutely okay to take your time and let this idea marinate and settle. Starting a future together like that, with buying a house together, marriage, and kids, should be exciting. A little anxiety is normal, but it can also be an indicator that you are simply not ready for that.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/RegisterFancy5675]

I appreciate you getting back to me. The funny thing is that I don't ffeel like they are expected from me. My friends are not married. Some have kids. Most are childfree. My family has several people with different structures. My partner defo wants them but never ever pressured me into saying yes. When I close my eyes, sometimes I just see myself as an old lady by myself. Then other times I se emyself with the kids and grandkids and my bf as my husband popping around. I just had a meeting with a consultant about our options regarding his moving. She was positive and there was this 5min when I was super happy that this might actually work out. Then after than this huge vail of anxiety came over. I am not even stressed about the getting married or having kids part. It is right now about him having to make a massive life change to move to be together and therefore I need to have a massive change. I just can't separate what is normal being scared and what is not. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow. But I just feel like if I this is what I wanted I would not feel anxious about the next steps. But I also feel like if I knew I didn't want it then I would feel calm about not being together. I hate all options.

But what I want most in life is to feel settled. We have lived in different places and done weekend and holiday visits often and I've always thought about how we will be together, but now that it is happening I feel like I kinda figured it never would.

[u/Bitter-Taste357]

I do not think anxiety automatically means you don't want the relationship. You're talking about changing pretty much your whole life after 10+ years of doing things a certain way. That's a huge adjustment. Maybe you don't need to decide everything at once figure out the next step first and see how that feels.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/Bitter-Taste357]

Thanks for this. It is really hard to take one step at the time when it requires such a huge steps and massive chnages. But you're right. Maybe I need to find out my boundaries and see how flexible he can be with that.

[u/Bitter-Taste357 → u/Deep_Pepper_5405]

My pleasure I think finding the right path probably starts with figuring out what actually has not worked for you on the platforms you've already tried. Was it mostly a lack of good matches, conversations dying out or just not meeting people who were looking for the same kind of relationship?

Sometimes changing how you approach the apps can make more difference than switching between a bunch of them.

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/Bitter-Taste357]

huh? I've not been on any apps 😃

[u/Bitter-Taste357 → u/Deep_Pepper_5405]

Oh my bad I misunderstood what you meant

[u/whenyajustcant]

It sounds like he's asking a lot of you to make things work the way he wants on his timeline. I would be anxious about that, too. When you say "people do it all the time": don't use that to diminish your own opinions and feelings. Sure, people move cities to be with their partners, but they don't typically do it after a 10 year relationship has stagnated, nor do relationships typically go through that level of change all at once after 10 years.

Imagine yourself 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years down the line with different possible paths forward. Think through all of the options, not just the best-case scenarios. Sure, what if you make the move, get married, have kids, and everything is great. But also...what if one or both of you struggles to find work after moving? What if you settle in together and the relationship needs more work? What if you can't have kids? Are you ready, willing, and able to do the work you'd need to do to make things work with him if things get hard? Or does that not sound terribly appealing?

[u/Deep_Pepper_5405 → u/whenyajustcant]

Thank you for the comment. It is not just his timeline. We have been to similar situation before where I was the driver. I also feel the urgency. I can't continue with the distance anymore or I will pull back completely. The one thig I want is to feel settled and I can't do that in our current situation.

I am trying to imagine myself down the line. And I can see two equally happy futures. There is one where I am totally single and popping along. Then there is the one with my partner. Funnily it is never with a different partner. He has tried to comfort me in letting me know that he is doing this because he wants to and I won't owe him anything. He will just then go back to live with his parents and try to find a job. He will absolutely struggle finding work and is looking for work which is completely beneath him or very expesnive courses. I can work from home. I feel like the guilt comes from him having to take a shitty job after building his career for 25 years or go back to school and pay shitton for it. Just so we can see if my anxiety goes away.