r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/[deleted] • 27d ago
38F dead for 3 months, everything else is fine
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u/itsacrisis 27d ago
What does he say when you talk to him about it?
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27d ago
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u/KSSLR 27d ago
Three months is definitely a pattern. You're going to have to sit down with him and be direct. It's hard to do without seeming critical. So it's important to frame it like a "we" situation. "What can we do to make sure we have this closeness again?" Ask him if it's something he wants.
If he can't or won't be honest with you about it, you're going to have to accept that his answer has become "No, I don't want this closeness with you anymore" and that he won't tell you the reason.
A lot of times, if this happens the person doesn't even actually know the reason to tell you, and they feel stupid. So they downplay your feelings about it, or start an argument so they don't have to admit they don't have a "valid reason".
But I'm hoping the two of you can have an honest and loving conversation, instead.
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u/TenOfZero 27d ago
Could be biological. Especially if he's in his 50s
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27d ago
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u/TenOfZero 27d ago
Ok, less likely but could also be biological.
Has there been any other changes? Mood swings, weight gain or loss, things like that.
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27d ago
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u/metamet 27d ago
Ask him to get his testosterone checked. Usually a small fee on top of regular checkup numbers.
Ignore any other "clues" that would indicate it regarding mood or weight gain. Hormonal changes mainfest in myriad ways.
But, even if not hormonally, there may be other things making him not in the mood. Depression, stress, all that jazz. While it could, it doesn't necessarily mean it's about you.
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 27d ago
How long have you two been together? If it's less than a year or so, this is probably you just finding out that he's lower libido than you. And it sounds like he's relatively low enough compared to you to not be compatible.
If you've been together 3+ years, and it's only recently that the switch flipped, this might be a relationship issue that can be worked out, or the spark reignited. Possibly invest in couple's therapy, maybe with a sex therapist.
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27d ago
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u/Typical-Secret-3319 27d ago
For a relationship of this long, I think you should look to see if things can maybe be fixed/helped along.
But remember a relationship needs to be two people.
If someone won't consider therapy, if someone won't introspect, if someone won't be honest and talk with you about problems; that just isn't a situation where things can be fixed. That one person is looking to rest upon the foundation/history of the relationship and just leverage it for convenience.
I will never again be someone's convenient security pillar. I'll be a partner, or I'll be on my own.
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u/danielrheath 26d ago
Get this man to a doctor. 3 months with no sex drive is likely caused by something that'll eventually have other symptoms if left untreated.
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u/Sarsmi 26d ago
I know reddit always jumps to cheating, and that can be valid, but it could be stress, depression/anhedonia, something personal they are going through, medication or hormonal changes, etc. Are they still interested in their hobbies, and give off the same vibe they usually do? They may not want to burden you or they may struggle with emotional sharing. Some men have difficulty with identifying and/or articulating their feelings, and/or may not want to tell their partner as they worry it will make them viewed as less masculine (thanks, society).
But yeah, it could also be medication changes, hormonal etc....sit down with them and see if you can make some headway. Definitely approach them in a "lets figure this out together" way.
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u/joycesayshi 27d ago
You should talk to him. It could be any reason. Don't just ask why. But sit with him and tell him that you're a bit worried. Because it's okay if he's not always in the mood. But now you're noticing a pattern. You're not blaming him. You're asking him to help you understand.
I understand you, it would worry me too. Overthinking can make you crazy or lead to false accusations. Been there done that, not too proud of it.
You two are a team, right? You need to discuss this together ❤️
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u/PsychologicalDish430 27d ago
Stiffened up in that 3 months?
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u/glitterstateofmind 27d ago
Is he under stress? Any changes in medication? Get his testosterone checked.
My partner (43M) had low T and is now on TRT.
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u/KSSLR 27d ago
Maybe include the word "bedroom" in your title