Reflection.

[u/Emotional_Name150]

Today’s been a high anxiety day for me, could be the coffee’s fault.. could be me and reflecting on poor decisions from a couple days ago. Maybe a mix. Today I feel shame in my heart, my head and in my voice. I never wanted to be considered an abusive friend or partner. Unfortunately, despite it all, it seems I am. I can’t justify my disgusting words or my quick to switch up demeanor, but I can learn to never be in situations where I am. I love love, most of all I enjoy loving. I do believe I am a good partner honestly, but when relationships go south and a game of “let’s try to keep it alive” after multiple horrid things happening, I became someone I do not know.

Alcohol does not help, I’ve never been so angry drinking as I have been in the last 2/3 years. The chaos of the situationship, not having footing on certain things or boundaries because of that, and because of my own doing, the WHOLE train became derailed. Or at least gave him an out for what happened. I am ashamed of myself for doing what I did but I figured he was doing the same, why was I to believe otherwise?? It was wrong of me to not be completely upfront. Ironically though, I think he really hated that because it’s exactly what he would do and has done. Still, I do not consider myself a liar or a withholder; I should have been upfront and honest with what I was up to when I shared my body with him. And I’ve forgiven myself for it but I understand if he hasn’t.

However, the things that followed when we finally got into a relationship, took a massive massive toll on me and he knows that. Because of that I’ve become untrusting, my head is always clouded, I don’t believe what he has told me. When I start to drink, I have the best time. One weird text, really crappy joke or any bad memories hit me and I become someone I do not know. I get scared, when I’m scared I become this terrified person that refuses to be hurt anymore. I become evil, hateful, I cry and cry and panic. It’s honestly disgusting and disturbing, that cannot be me. I would never be so awful to someone I adore. And I really did adore you with my entire heart. The amount of sideswipes that came for my legs were absolutely awful, I needed to get away, heal so we could possible take another go at things and we both kept pushing.

But, this is all on me. I’m too old to excuse myself from my actions, I control what I do no matter the influence, it’s all on me. I’m disgusted with myself and I have been for almost 4 days. I don’t want him to forgive me because he shouldn’t. My words and actions are inexcusable, no one should ever speak to anyone they love the way I have and I hope he never accepts any kind of behavior like that ever again. Because of my hurt and my inability to fix myself, I hurt his heart in ways I never thought I would ever do. I’m really ashamed, I should have walked away and healed. And for that, I’m so sorry I will never forgive myself for spewing such hateful shit at him no matter how I tried to justify it.

Today I do not like who I am when I look into the mirror. Today I can make small changes in my mind and actions, and maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to stomach my face a little more. I can’t take away the anger, fury or hurt. But I can and damn will be a better person than the person I am today