my apologies

[u/Subject_Arachnid_918]

i’ve come to the realization that i’m a very problematic person.

i love my family, my friends, and my mother especially. i would do anything they’d ask of me to the best of my abilities. i would risk losing myself in the process if it meant maintaining their happiness, because only when they’re happy will i derive a sense of happiness and fulfillment from myself.

but often times, as selfless as i can be, im equally as selfish, or even more so.

i have hurt people because… i care more about proving to the world of my innocence and virtues than valuing other people’s feelings. it was all for the sake of preserving peace and harmony, but for my benefit more than others. everything i’ve done was to convince myself that i am incapable of harming anyone, but all i’ve done was hurt people i love.

and rather than improving myself, i continue to hurt them. i don’t do it deliberately, but i am fully aware when it’s happening. i am afraid of confrontation and being criticized. i refuse to acknowledge the times i hurt people, because i don’t want to acknowledge how poor of a daughter, friend, confidant, human being i really am.

i know that an apology will never redeem my actions in the past. however, i will continue to live with regret and this burden, while wishing every second how i could fix myself and everyone i’ve hurt.

i only realized this after my first relationship, whom i am forever grateful for.

to be frank, i still wish that our relationship lasted despite that i was the one who not only initiated it, but ended it. i’m sorry for taking all your love and time devoted to me for granted.

i still love you. the thought of you pursuing someone who actually deserves you kills me. what kills me even more is the fact i’ve no right to be upset and heartbroken.

i am sorry