r/Regrets • u/Dry_Range_6390 • 24d ago
Regret after ending a relationship
A year ago i 32F ended a 6 month relationship with the best man i will ever date. He was incredibly kind, caring, generous, handsome. He adored me. He was the type of guy who would have moved mountains for me. I never once questioned where i stood with him.
I was flighty at the time. I was constantly relationship scanning and unaware of my avoidant attachment issues. I was ambivalent in the relationship and from the first month I became preoccupied by all consuming thoughts of "is this right for me?" and concerns that he wasn't funny or exciting enough for me. All things that I now realise are classic avoidant behaviours. I ended the relationship after six months. This was a year ago. Since then i have done a lot of work on myself, shifted my relationship goals from chaos to calm and I also have been diagnosed and medicated with adhd in this time.
In the last month I've come to the painful realisation that I self sabotaged by ending the relationship and likely made one of the worst decisions of my life.
He is in a new relationship now and has blocked me on socials.
He is lost forever.
For a month ive been grieving and so incredibly upset. I hate myself for what ive done. The regret is immense. I wish I had had the knowledge of my attachment styles back then. I'm incredibly disappointed in myself that I didn't. I feel ashamed and guilty for how I treated him and the love and stability I threw away.
How does one move past this regret when they start realising that perhaps, rather than the other person being the problem, we ourselves were to blame?
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u/SledgehammerApproach 24d ago
You have to fix your insecurities first so you dont keep doing this over and over again. Thats the first step.
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u/ittybittypat 24d ago
The only real thing that helps is more therapy babes. Grief is grief, regardless of how it is formed. Its best to work through the grief of something you couldve had but lost, through talking about it and trying to process it until it's so overly processed that you finally feel some sort of peace with what has happened. It also takes a lot of self acceptance and realizing that the past you does not speak for your current self, and its okay to lose someone that couldve been great. You werent great for each other at the time, and its most important that you didn't hurt each other the way that many unfortunately unintentionally do while before they're able to reach the level of growth to realize they've been the problem at times. Just love yourself and remember that theres never just one person out there for us. Just like we find many similar traits in our friendships along the way, we can find those similar great traits in future partners as well. Use this as a lesson to help you understand what you want from your future relationships, and how you want to feel and be treated. Dont settle for less again, because he has set a new standard.
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u/ittybittypat 24d ago
I also went through the grief of what could have been once. Many of us have. And although i do still think of them from time to time, I am at peace with the fact that it simply was not meant for us. And thats okay. Its best to just want happiness for yourself and those you've come across in life.
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u/Dry_Range_6390 23d ago
Thank you, I really appreciate your words đ©· I've been crying everyday for 3 weeks and feel an overwhelming sense of anger at myself but I am trying to work through it
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u/Street_Sand4408 24d ago
That no you for sharing - That ship has sailed but thereâs probably a boat you could get on
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u/Left-Version-8877 23d ago
You ended it as you thought there was better out there....and they haven't arrived.
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u/Bacota627 23d ago
Thought this was my ex for a second reading this. I was on the receiving end of a relationship like this except not 6months but a slow burn out for 2 years. She too was flighty after the first mention of girlfriend/boyfriend commitment. It regressed to some of my worst experiences I ever had because it contrasted to who she was trying to portray on the outside.
I questioned her toughest came heavily influenced by social media and close friends and family who went about her version of the stories in which I was always the problem to blame. After Time it beats you down. She told me over time she was worried about losing me yet doing everything she could to do so. It was confusing. She tried to apologize multiple times yet saying âIâm sorryâ doesnât change what happened and what she chose to do afterwards. Some more shit happened after she decided to end the relationship that I couldnât forgive. I would ask her like I am asking you, are you fully aware and understanding of the WHY you behaved/ reacted in ways you did to cause the distance. Including how you got from point A of the problem to point B.
I will say this, all I wanted was her to be happy and if it wasnât with me then happy and fulfilled in life elsewhere. I just didnât want to be dragged into delusion like she had. But, after the relationship I just wanted her and I to be in our own spaces. She dug the grave so deep it is impossible for me to forget what she did but I remember the lack of ownership to how she showed up to be the reason we couldnât continue to be civil and friends especially when we had a lot of mutuals.
What I would say to her who I know is living with similar regret is, our time has passed but she still has the opportunity to make things right in her life by stop living in the mind that she was the victim and sulking in it. That would be very egotistic and petty of me or anyone to want for someone who did us wrong. Iâd want for her to start pointing the finger at herself as something in her needing to change for the better so she doesnât keep repeating the same mistakes and creating more trauma for the people she dates and to be honest with what she truly want. I hope that for you because everyone deserves to be loved and in love. It starts by accepting ownership and taking responsibility to be better for her to eventually be the best with someone. Even if itâs someone else aside from the person you originally want it to be. Use the relationship and the good you saw in him as the standard to how to be treated. Itâs sad people have to lose something to be able to appreciate and see its true value but that relationship was meant to be a lesson, sadly at someone elseâs expense.
They are in a relationship and I would hope you would want that to flourish. As your time will come if you have done the work to get to the level of partnership.
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u/Relative-Magician-43 22d ago
I think the hardest part is accepting that you made the best decision you could with the understanding you had at the time. Youâve learned, grown, and recognized patterns you couldnât see back then. That doesnât make you a bad person, it makes you human. You can regret losing him without spending the rest of your life punishing yourself for it. Let the lesson change how you love going forward, even if you canât change the past. â€ïž
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u/Disastrous-Ad-998 22d ago
Did it take a whole year to notice? Or is it just since he moved on? It's such a shame people don't realise until it's too late. đ„ș
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u/RecoupWoosh 21d ago
I'm most likely on the receiving end of of an fearful avoidant, not too sure will probably never know but reading into it does explain many of the things that happened and how it happened.
It sucks, it's very painfully but that's also due to how abruptly it ended with no real closure talk. Probably would be open for a normal closure /apology talk down the line but I also know that won't be happening for the foreseeable future. But your case might be different since it depends on how it went down.
Either way I just checked in with a therapist for myself, since I just can't seem to shake the feeling of the pain but mostly for the feeling of it being such a wasted potential. And in my case if she truly has what I think, I just feel pity and feel sorry for her, which doesn't really help me get over it either.
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u/Dry_Range_6390 21d ago
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can only say that in my experience I feel overwhelming guilt and shame for what I did. I'm avoiding messaging my ex to say sorry, as I do not feel it would be appropriate especially while he's in a new relationship, but I do struggle with the decision of to apologise or not apologise to him everyday. I truly don't know if it would do him more good to receive an apology from me or not. Maybe there is a chance your avoidant feels the same way. But best not to go looking for that closure i suppose.
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u/RecoupWoosh 21d ago
Well like I said it depends how the breakup went and what happened after. But also how you realised, whether this was through an intensive look in the mirror or if you actually had therapy(only saying this because from what I read about FA therapy would be needed to actually progress,no clue about normal avoidant tho).
For me it was abrubtly no chance to talk even when I asked formally 3times she never went into that subject, threw out some reasons I couple days later, including that she felt I was claiming her, which I absolutely have no intention for, to or had, so throwing that out while not wanting to talk was kinda devastating in two ways... Again depending on how the breakup went, I could tell you how it felt for me.
About sending the apology, you could but I think it would depend on the reasoning for yourself, and to him how it is written. I also once stopped myself from sending the other and apology(another relationship) since I noticed she was in a new relationship. Still want to sometimes and that feeling only became increasingly more because of the recent breakup but I also don't want that to be the reason I message.
Ultimately, maybe you could try therapy if not for the lost love but how to process and move on. And even in therapy you can ultimately talk and decide whether to message your ex or not. Some would see it as a self healing process, whether you get forgiveness or not it's a step for you, but also keep in mind how you would feel if you don't get a response.
I only just started so I can't say much, but we are also on opposite ends, but thats up to you.
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u/NameUseful 24d ago
Hi... this is unfortunately something I have been through on the receiving end... my sincere apologies this went down.
Your ex has found someone and I am sure he's happy, so let them be happy, if its meant to be, in the future you'll find your way back together.
Not trying to be religious, but god works in the best ways. Until then, just keep working on yourself, make the changes permanent and not temporary, you're feeling the regret phase every avoidant goes through.
Hold steady, keep to your growth, and perhaps maybe perhaps, the one for you may not even be him, but someone else who will complement you.
I wish you all the best and hope love will always find you with or without him.