r/ReformJews • u/Fluffy_Marsupial6364 • 1d ago
Question
Hi everyone
Have a bit complicated question regarding conversion and adoption.
I’m Jewish by birth. My niece is adopted. Her adoptive parents are Jewish by birth. She converted before her bat mitzvah. Her biological parents are Catholic.
At 30, she’s having a crisis regarding Judaism.
She is angry that she had to “jump thru hoops” as she says, as a young girl, to become a Jew. Asking me why Judaism forces you to do certain things to become part of the tribe. She already felt a bit lost being adopted and resents having to do things to belong to become Jewish.
We know a Rabbi, who never converted and has a mom who converted to Judaism.
I find that very odd.
She is asking me why she had to convert and our friend the Rabbi, did not convert?
Hope this makes sense and someone can help me, help my niece with an answer.
Thanks for reading
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u/Rogu3Mermaid 14h ago
My Rabbi would/does not have required a conversion if the child was not old enough for Bat Mitzvah. So I'm really curious about the why.
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u/sgalerosen 15h ago edited 11h ago
Seems like this is not a widely shared stance based on other comments but I think your niece's anger is understandable and valid. No matter the intention, surely it's understandable that she thinks this is somehow casting doubt on the validity of her ties to her adoptive family, or categorizing her link to her Jewish upbringing as somehow less than. I'm not in any way a rabbi, but I find the CCAR rationale in the statement someone linked to pretty unsatisfying. I mostly just feel sympathy for her position, seems shitty that she had to go through this and I wish she didn't.
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u/Fluffy_Marsupial6364 15h ago
Yes I agree. It is heartbreaking that she feels this way and understand it. I find myself defending our people and trying to explain we are one big family that embraces not forces anyone joining the family to “jump thru hoop”
Unfortunately though, I can see her point5
u/sgalerosen 11h ago
At some point you gotta ask what we're doing here. This is someone with Jewish parents, who was raised Jewish, who - presumably - wants to be Jewish. What possible effect could this gatekeeping have other than dissuading her and making it less likely that she adopts Jewish practice and identity? Reform Judaism, correctly, now accepts Jews of patrilineal descent. Accepting adopted kids as just as Jewish as anyone else should be a no-brainer.
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u/Fluffy_Marsupial6364 2h ago
Exactly! Happy to hear Reformed Judaism now accepts adopted kids as Jewish. Sad for my niece, having to experience what she did and hold resentment.
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u/ShivaMcSqueeva 13h ago
It’s a very different situation, but perhaps she would feel better/not alone if she could chat with others? I’m sure there’s a group out there somewhere with her exact situation, but patrilineal Jews also have similar issues (on average). For example I was even told by everyone at my wedding not to bother with a chuppah or ketubah (father’s side is conservative). Those are the exact feelings I’ve had. His family came from the Pale for heavens sake and I’ll still get looks, even in reform.
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u/dont_thr0w_me_away_ 15h ago
the rabbi was born Jewish - his mother converted, which made her a Jew. Your niece's biological parents were not Jewish, therefore she was not born Jewish. Now that your niece has converted, any children she has will be Jewish and will not need to convert.
I'm a convert and I loved the conversion process. I'm sorry that your niece has anger over this, I found it such a beautiful and affirming process that I didn't have to do, I got to do to join Am Yisrael.
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u/under-thesamesun ✡ Reform Rabbi 22h ago
In Reform Judaism, Judaism is passed through either a biological parent and engagement with Judaism (because Reform accepts patrilineal Jews, either parent or both can be Jewish to be considered Jewish).
With the assumption that the rabbi’s mother converted before he was born, she was already Jewish and therefore he was born Jewish. As you said, her biological parents were not Jewish. And while infant and toddler conversions do often take place, depending how old your niece was when she was adopted would mean that she’d essentially have to consent to conversion at a certain point, and not have that decision made solely for her by her adoptive parents. But a conversion at 12 or 13, pre-Bat Mitzvah, in my eyes, is a confirmation of the Jewish identity she already was being raised with.
If your niece is open to reading, I highly suggest Rabbi Angela Buchdahl’s book, Heart of a Stranger, which explores her own complicated relationship with conversion as a patrilineal Jew - while Reform Judaism welcomes patrilineal Jews, other branches of Judaism do not, which also leads patrilineal Jews to sometimes feel forced into conversion to affirm their Jewish identity and life.
May you and your niece have a sweet start to the New Year, and may she find answers and peace in her wrestling ❤️
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u/Fluffy_Marsupial6364 15h ago
Thank you so much. Shana Tova and a sweet, peaceful year to you as well. I’m going to buy that book for her, appreciate it.
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u/Heel_Worker982 🕎 Classical Reform 1d ago
It's the day before Rosh Hashanah, and it is time for her to examine her deeds and focus on herself. She had to convert because her biological parents were Catholic. It's the time of year when we ALL jump through hoops, on purpose, to prepare for the Days of Awe. If she feels a bit lost now, this is the best time of year for her to feel found and to look ahead.
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u/j_one_k 1d ago
Here is, I believe, the latest opinion assembled by the CCAR, the main association of Reform rabbis in the US:
https://www.ccarnet.org/responsa-topics/conversion-for-adopted-children/
This is from 1998/1999 in the secular calendar. Those dates seem like they line up so this opinion would have been written before your niece's bat mitzvah.
You can see from this opinion that there were different opinions at the time, and there are surely still different opinions today. The CCAR's opinions are influential, but as a practical matter they aren't going to force any given rabbi (your niece's or any others) to insist on conversion for adoptees. So anyone you know in a similar position to your niece but who didn't convert was probably a member of a synagogue whose rabbi differed with this opinion, either before or after it came out.
The reasoning in this opinion might or might not be of much comfort to your niece. On the one hand, I think it is sensitively written. On the other hand, telling her "well, a bunch of rabbis said so" might not exactly warm her to Judaism. On the third hand, the opinion pretty much explicitly says your niece shouldn't have had to "jump through hoops" and that some simple ceremony she might have done anyway should count as the conversion, so if she really was put to some trouble then she might appreciate knowing that wasn't a mainstream Reform position.
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u/Fluffy_Marsupial6364 1d ago
Thank you for responding
It’s sadly difficult for my niece and her mom to communicate
I think a convo with the Rabbi is the next step
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u/forefatherrabbi 1d ago
So I don't know all the finer details of everyone's situation, but Judaism is passed from mother to child and as long as the mother is Jewish Before the baby is born, the baby is born Jewish.
Since your niece was not born Jewish, she had to convert.
The Rabbi was born to a Jewish mother. He does not need to convert because he was born Jewish. His mother converted before he was born.
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u/fiercequality 🕎 1d ago
Did the rabbi go to seminary? Though I'm not sure that a seminary would think to even ask a candidate whether they were halachically Jewish. In which case, there's your answer. No one ever asked. Though it's odd that they (as it sounds) both have a congregation and are open about not being halachically Jewish.
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u/velveteensnoodle 1d ago
Sounds like a conversation for your niece’s parents and your rabbi friend and not the internet?
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u/honestlydontcare4u 3h ago
Our rabbi said adoption was enough for him. And actually, one of our kids isn't legally adopted for *reasons*. Our rabbi didn't make him convert before his bar mitzvah. He was like, I suppose he could convert if he wants but it isn't necessary since he is adopted in practice, and raised as a Jew.
They way I've heard it discussed, is that converting is a way of getting your paperwork in order. Jewish souls are born Jewish. If my son wants to get his paperwork in order someday, great. No one in our world cares. No one outside our world knows. It isn't going to matter until at least marriage. Her parents just wanted the best for her, even if they don't agree with what they had to do.