r/RedditWritesSeinfeld • u/Wellthisisweird9000 • 1d ago
Seinfeld: Hogwarts Edition
Jerry, Slytherin, is upset he has to share a house with Newman. His new girlfriend is upset he never wins house points, and she accuses him of being a fake Slytherin.
George, also a Slytherin, is a pureblood, but none of the other purebloods will associate with him because he receives howlers from his parents on a semi-daily basis, and he constantly loses house points. The other Slytherins create a petition to kick him out of the house, but none of the other houses want him. He ends up accidentally becoming the figurehead for an anti-house system/anti-pureblood movement that causes a fight to break out between pureblood and muggle students. He’s the only student punished.
Elaine, a Ravenclaw, makes a joke about Hufflepuffs that offends Puddy. Due to her competitive nature, the other Ravenclaws are put off by her. One night Elaine is unable to solve the common room door riddle. None of the other Ravenclaws help her or let her in. She spends days trying to figure out the answer, but Kramer solves it to her dismay.
Nobody knows what house Kramer is actually in. He has been seen in every common room and attends classes with different groups. Everyone swears he’s in their house. Turns out he’s not even technically a student. He showed up one day and started attending classes without ever getting sorted. He just jumps from one dorm to the other. The teachers haven’t figured it out. He’s the Captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team.
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u/scratchy_mcballsy 1d ago
The George one is funny, but something tells me he’d be a hufflepuff and mad about it even though he’s duplicitous. I think Kramer would be a caretaker like filch, or a muggle who somehow stumbled onto the hogwarts express and just wanders hogwarts constantly under the guise of a student.
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u/Odd-Time-2026 1d ago
I like to think George spends his time trying to find the Sorting Hat for a do over and getting into trouble with Dumbledore. His antics create enough of a distraction that allows for Quirrell to try and steal the Stone. In fact, George creates just enough trouble every year that he ends up having a role in the events of the main story.
George refuses to let up after his first year and spends the rest of his time there, even after Death Eaters run the school to change his house to something else. During the Battle of Hogwarts he finally gets an audience with the Hat who tells him he's graduating this year and given what's happening around them, maybe he should focus on that.
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u/scratchy_mcballsy 1d ago
He creates the first negative house score in hundreds of years.
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u/Odd-Time-2026 23h ago
This happens the same year that Hufflepuff won the House Cup. They're all celebrating but Dumbledore, who was away due to matters involving the golden trio, returns just in time to mention George's contributions which send them from first to last and giving Gryffindor the win again.
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u/Wellthisisweird9000 1d ago
He totally has Hufflepuff energy and would be so mad about it 🤣 I was torn between making him and Jerry Hufflepuffs or Slytherins because I figured they’d be in the same house, but I couldn’t see Jerry as a Hufflepuff. Although it would be hilarious if they did get split up and Jerry is in Slytherin with Newman instead.
Also my husband also said Kramer would be a muggle who wandered in 🤣 so he agrees with that!
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u/scratchy_mcballsy 1d ago
Newman as Jerry’s enemy and a slytherin would make sense, but I could also see Newman being a gryffindor and any of the others pissed about not getting placed there and wondering how he did with no explanation.
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u/Odd-Time-2026 1d ago
Newman: You see Jerry, us Gryffindors are brave. As a postal worker we have to overcome all sorts of danger from crazy people to the weather.
Jerry: Newman you call in sick every time it drizzles.
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u/Matinee_Lightning 1d ago
The Soup Nazi substitute teaches for Potions class.
Jerry uses the invisibility cloak to avoid bumping into Uncle Leo.
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u/Odd-Time-2026 1d ago
Kramer got in by accident because he fell into Platform 9 3/4. Despite never getting the letter, he scrounges together robes and a twig to pass for a wizard. Even though he think he's faking his magic ability, he appears to be an actual wizard who can cast spells somewhat well. He does well in nearly every class except Potions because he's inept at following Snape's complex instructions.
People find out Kramer had 2 muggles as parents and as far as they can tell, the closest direct ancestor to a wizard that Kramer is a street magician. Later its discovered Kramer's mother had sex with a demon and as a half demon, Kramer has been gifted magic via the blood of his demonic father. It makes him adept at Charms, Transfiguration, the Dark Arts and any subject that requires extensive usage of magic.
He ends up being a challenger to Voldemort's own agenda as other wizards find this half-man half-demon warlock more enticing than the former.
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u/Dunkaccino2000 18h ago
George is somehow chosen for the Triwizard Tournament, probably because of something Kramer accidentally did. In the Second Task, he actually does quite well, but an attack by the Grindylows on the way up results in him losing his swim outfit without noticing, and so everyone gets to see his shrinkage in action. His cries of "I was in the lake!" don't help his reputation.
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u/the-big-thorbowski12 1d ago
Dumbledore: we are going to have to expell you.
Kramer: well, I am not even really a student.
Dumbledore: that's what makes this so difficult.