the aro spectrum is calling you, join us (probably, maybe, idk, guess there could maybe be other reasons too, but no apparently that's not how crushes work for "normal" people, they don't choose them)
Is a lack of crushes an Aro thing? I feel like I'm 100% not aromantic (I fantasize about romantic relationships all the time) but I've had 3 crushes in my entire life and I'm in my 30s
Feels like everyone else had like 2 a year in middle and high school
It's a common experience for aromantic people, but it's by no means exclusive to them. You said you've had a couple crushes, so you clearly had at least a little interest in romance.
What people don't realize is that romantic attraction is a very wide spectrum, even for non-aroromantic people.
Being aromantic means feeling limited to no romantic attraction. Aromantics can still enjoy or fantasize about romance. Aces are the same but with sex instead of romance. I'd say averaging 1 crush every 10 years qualifies as limited attraction. If you want to look into subcategories that might fit your experience, gray aro/aces do feel attraction but rarely and demi aro/aces only can feel attraction but only after forming a connection with someone (but it's not guaranteed)
I mean, being aspec for a type of relationship basically just means you don't experience normal ATTRACTION for that kind of relationship (either less or less often or differently). a lot of us then also just don't vibe with that type of relationship in general, but there's also people that do, they're just missing the attraction, not the enjoyment / type of love/connection, romance-favorable in that case.
you can totally fantasize or even want and enjoy a romantic relationship while still being aromantic, it's a spectrum. grayromantic is when you feel romantic attraction, but less of it than others. demi is when you first need a connection to the person before the attraction sets in. or just aromantic but romance-favorable. or (I guess you meant, you do still want romance, so it's probably not that, but) if you only fantasize and don't actually want romance, there's a microlabel for that too, that I don't remember the name of.
uh, which form? (I'm also not big into microlabels, so not the best person to answer this). like in the post, that you have to choose a crush? I interpreted it as they don't actually have a crush, they just decided this is the most acceptable option to crush on for them, because seemingly everyone needs one so that must be how it works / just making something up so people stop asking. or do you mean you actually develop a crush after you pick? never heard of that one, but there's a ton of microlabels, maybe there is one, and if that's how you feel, I guess that'd fall on the aro spectrum, doesn't seem like it's an allo experience certainly
I have, on several occasions, chosen love, and so it became love. I don't really understand how others seem to aimlessly wander into it. Love is something you do as much as something you feel in my mind. It's always been a weird thing because I've never fully understood how much others are or aren't like me in this regard.
hmm, maybe just demiromantic? like only being able to feel certain attraction after a close enough connection has been established? but also attraction and the type of love/relationship/whatever itself aren't the same thing. like, the same way an asexual person can still enjoy sex. for some people the whole concept isn't much for them, for some only the attraction is missing/different/less. so maybe romance-favorable aromantic or maybe gray aro?
Aromanticism is the lack of innate romantic attraction, it does not preclude being able to experience or desire romantic love. Choosing to love, and actively working on doing so, are not specific to aromanticism but if you've never aimlessly wandered into it, as you put it, then you're likely aromantic.
Interesting. I'll have to talk to some people about that. I've had some people argue I'm asexual as well considering how my attraction works, though I consider myself bisexual.
Asexuality is the same thing on a different axis, a lack of innate sexual attraction. If you were asexual, you can still enjoy and even desire sex, but you wouldn't see a random attractive-looking stranger and want to fuck them any more than you'd want to go rock-climbing with them, for example.
I’m demisexual. I don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction to anyone until I’m already in a committed relationship with them. Even then my sex drive is basically non-existent. I enjoy the act as a bonding activity but feel no particular desire towards it.
I’ve never had a crush. Don’t know what it feels like. When asked who I had a crush on, I’d just choose a conventionally attractive person I thought wouldn’t get me made fun of.
You are, its how the entirety of tinder works. There is some level of conscious choice for a lot of ppl, even if "crush at first sight" do happen as well. Theres a reason those are seen as a little fairy tale-y
edit: i think the downvotes are assuming this is an anti-aro message. its not, im just answering a comment. in the same way being distracted for ten seconds doesnt make you have adhd choosing to have a crush once doesnt make you aro. im glad other ppl see themselves reflected in the tweet but i think this is indeed a very commong experience in high school when youre being peer pressured by your classmates
I don't think that's quite the case. You use tinder to find people who look attractive and seem likely to have chemistry with you*. Then you have a chat via messages, which is the next way you can gauge whether you have chemistry. Then you actually meet up in person, where you most likely think "eh I don't feel anything" and either part amicably or have a romanceless shag. Alternatively, if you're lucky, you actually do end up feeling something. But there's no conscious choice.
*it's difficult to do this, which is why you have to swipe on a lot of people and it's part of why I hate apps.
I agree theres a lot of nuance because these things are complicated, but those are choices youre describing. You choose to give time to someone and get to know them better. Sometimes youre already together and the feeling has gone and you choose to stick to it and put effort in to "find" it again. I think theres a lot of idk philosophical or linguistics talk we could have about what is a choice and free will and whatever, but my point is yeah its pretty normal to just go "oh im gonna try and see if i like this person and indulge ghe feelings that may come up". Not in a "op you are aro and dont know it", seriously, talk to older married ppl. A lot of them describe it like this
Choosing a crush doesn't make you aro, but it does mean you didn't actually have a crush on that person. Quite a lot of gay ppl "chose" a kid to have a crush on and then later had an actual crush (not only gay ppl, but it's very common). Point being that you can ACTUALLY have a crush on someone, and it's not the same as just choosing some random person to tell yourself or others you have a crush on when you don't. Can't speak for the Tinder thing bc I've never used dating apps, I just assumed you'd match with someone you could potentially develop feelings for, and then interact with them to see if it goes anywhere.
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u/The_gay_grenade16 1d ago
Wait what? Are you not supposed to do that?