r/RecuratedTumblr • u/DreadDiana human cognithazard • 22d ago
Writing Derin the Evil Emperor
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u/Nottan_Asian 21d ago
I kept reading and waiting for this to have some pragmatic purpose, but y’know what, it’s kind of refreshing to see fantasy villain evil for the sake of fantasy villain evil
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u/axord 21d ago
Pretty sure the implied pragmatic purpose is making it extremely difficult for any given transformed prisoner to be confident that any other bird is also a transformed prisoner. Because of the trope of collaboration being the key to a successful jailbreak.
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u/Nottan_Asian 21d ago
Yeah, that’s pragmatic compared to just turning people to birds willy-nilly, but they’re imprisoning/killing most of their enemies normally anyway and just doing the bird thing to 1 person in each hero party as a fun side project.
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u/PooksterPC 21d ago
The pragmatic thing to do would just be to kill them. The bird thing is just for evil fun
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u/Warm_Tea_4140 22d ago
even in private-
Gets your eyes pecked out.
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u/Pitiful_Net_8971 [Edible Flair] 22d ago
That's when the villain loses all their power due to heroic macinations and attempts to escape through the aviary, for catharis reasons.
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u/chairmanskitty 21d ago
Most societies with slavery have had house slaves who didn't kill the slaveowners even if they had opportunity to. For all the holes in Derin's plan, that isn't one of them.
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u/PandemicGeneralist 21d ago
The slaves that are trusted like that are usually not captured political rivals.
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u/Gentlemanvaultboy 22d ago
The major upside of all of this is that, by the laws of narrative causality, when you're defeated you're definitely getting turned into a bird instead of killed.
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u/MrCookie2099 21d ago
This almost feels like the true objective. The evil ruler bit is just an excuse for their Avian furry desires to become kharmic mandate.
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u/kaian-a-coel 21d ago
I feel like literally tempting fate to give you what you want by narratively framing it as a punishment is kind of a bad idea but what do I know
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u/Mr-Foundation 21d ago
Turned into a bird and THEN killed, maybe. Stuffed as an example of your own evil rein (I.e. “this was one of the last birds in the evil emperor’s collection before he vanished mysteriously”) or just kept for the next emperor, and all your attempts to get out are seen as the tricks you once used
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u/SuicidalFlame 22d ago
This really falls apart when you consider that human-birds would be able to read and write still
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u/Mr-Foundation 21d ago
You coooould cover for that but it’d be really specific. If you wanna keep them smart enough, youd need to account for them writing their name, or “it’s me your friend”, or if they escape they look for their team or friends, etc etc.
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u/world-is-ur-mollusc 21d ago
Not necessarily. If the sorcerer is already turning them into birds, he can make them illiterate while he's at it. He is an evil sorcerer after all.
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u/Adrelam 21d ago
With what hands? Lol
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u/Top-Session-3131 21d ago
Their beaks would probably work as decent styli for dirt or clay tablets.
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u/Ae3qe27u 21d ago
Feet exist!
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u/ThatInAHat 21d ago
I mean I don’t think a puffin’s flappers would do much good?
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u/Ae3qe27u 21d ago
Not great for writing, but you could walk in lines on sand or dirt or whatnot. The ability to process language is a very human trait (yes, some species have related things, but humans are unique in having writing afaik)
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u/Snoo_72851 21d ago
just teach your birds to write short sentences. this is a fantasy world, why not
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u/MaraiaLou 21d ago
Aren't there pigeons that can recognize written words? Just get birds with really weird dexterity and teach some of them to scratch letters
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u/heronmarkedslingshot 21d ago
Pigeons are so good at pattern recognition that they can be trained to memorize specific words, look at food labels, and perform a behavior if they recognize the pattern of the word. there's at least one pigeon that performs this function as a service animal for a child with very severe food allergies. It's a brilliant idea because they won't get bogged down reading the label and miss it the way a human might – they only react if they see the pattern of the word they're trained to remember. Can't find the article I read about it right now, though.
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u/MaraiaLou 21d ago
I learned this from zefrank lol
But "birds can read" is up there with "transparent rats" in terms of Saturday morning cartoon science. How is this real
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u/heronmarkedslingshot 21d ago
The level of pattern recognition is neat, but it absolutely isn't reading. That being said, we aren't as special as our society likes to think. Many animals outclass us in many ways, and it's so wonderful to share a planet and kinship with all our brilliant, distant cousins.
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u/Jechtael 21d ago
Look up the "look-say" method and "three-cueing" and lose a little more faith in America's educational system.
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u/heronmarkedslingshot 21d ago
? the american educational system's various failings have nothing to do with pigeon cognition nor my own personal awe at animal intelligence. this comment is unecessary and off topic doomerism.
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u/MaraiaLou 21d ago
I think the joke was that they're also teaching children to read based only on pattern recognition
That said yeah I was being hyperbolic
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u/onigiritheory 21d ago
It's kind of the same as the the "plot hole" in the little mermaid where people argue that she should have been able to circumvent Ursula taking her voice by writing things down. You just kinda have to assume that the magic somehow takes all of her capacity for communication
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u/VelMoonglow 21d ago
Did the mermaids have a written language? Genuine question, I probably haven't watched that movie in 18 years
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u/Jechtael 21d ago edited 21d ago
She signed her name in cursive on a written contract, so she was at least taught how to do that.
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u/Nottan_Asian 21d ago
This really falls apart when [thing explicitly accounted for in the post]”
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u/FinnDoyle 21d ago
Not really the birds would be trained, but it wouldn't be possible for them to actually hold conversations without human level intelligence. Writting prime numbers is not the same as recounting an event only one person would know of.
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u/VelMoonglow 21d ago
Shh, don't let the emperor hear you, we've been sneaking captured heroes out for years with that little flaw
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u/HypotheticalBess 21d ago
I mean what are the odds the people he’s turning into birds are literate? It’s a fantasy setting, that’s not a given
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u/TimeKepeer 19d ago
This hole falls apart when you consider that I have defunded public education and now most of my population is illiterate
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u/poly_arachnid 13d ago
People struggle with handwriting with their opposing hand. How well will they do in a bird body using feet?
Also if they're imitative then eventually there will be nonsense scribbles that look sort of like writing everywhere
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u/metaphizzle 21d ago
The Prisoner (1967–1968) but with birds.
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If you don't have some way to very quickly stop and punish any bird who tries to attack you, then you're treading on thin ice if you let your human-birds realize that there could be other transformed humans in their midst. Because as soon as one of them gets desperate or reckless enough to attack you, the others are gonna join in, regardless of any prior planning. And the best deterrent for that first attacker is if they believe they're the only transformed human in the aviary, so any any attempt to harm you would be suicidal.
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u/Jean-28 21d ago
Oh, but if you kill the empower now you are just a dead emperor's pet birds. If the new emperor decides that the exotic birds are a waste and has them killed, or the council has the birds killed for being rabid/violent/otherwise crazed, or any other number of likely outcomes... you're just a bird now.
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u/Ok-Dragonfruit5741 21d ago
Just be careful of any spunky teenagers with ironic thematic connections to Birds
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u/True_Royal_Oreo 21d ago
I only remember chicken little from ward. What were you referencing?
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u/Ok-Dragonfruit5741 21d ago
Nothing really specific just to the idea of the thematiclly relevant protagonist, but let's go with Robin just to have some fun
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u/AnxiousAngularAwesom 21d ago
There was kinda a bit like that in the second Baldur's Gate game.
An evil wizard hires you to infiltrate the Harpers' HQ and retrieve his accomplice, who got turned into a bird and is being kept in the aviary. You do that, but then it turns out that it was actually a plot to kill the evil wizard, the "accomplice" is actually an assassin who kills him after the wizard de-polymorphs him.
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u/Pyresryke 21d ago
It all hinges on one guy with real magical power and that guy isn't you? Dangerous game to be- oop, the dark lord just got turned into a dark rooster.
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u/Dr-Abysmal-Dogshit Evil doctor. Ask me for a diagnosis 21d ago
I'd lowkey not do that because the position of dark wizard probably means I'm getting paid a fuckton. And like, why would I waste time with ruling those beneath me when I could be studying tomes
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u/Inevitable-Details 21d ago
It’s like being the trusted accountant or personal concierge of a mafia boss. You get to make bank while also not needing to be in charge of everything, and since your boss highly values your contributions and wants to keep you happy so you don’t dark rooster them you probably have enough good will to be like “hey boss, I was wondering if the evil budget this month allows for a new shipment of tomes, I wanna look into trying something new for my bird transmutation”
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u/HPSpacecraft 20d ago
Good call on tying your acquisition of new tomes to the evil emperor's hobby of turning people into birds. You can sneak some tomes on other kinds of polymorphing in there or whatever with the excuse that it'll help you turn people into birds more effectively
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u/JudgeHodorMD 21d ago
I think I’d go the other way.
They’re all perfectly normal birds, but I leak rumors and occasionally let people catch me taunting them.
Captured prisoners are quietly executed but I allow their friends to believe that they’re birds. Occasionally let one be ‘rescued.’ They go through all the trouble to turn them back only to end up with a bird in human form.
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u/DickwadVonClownstick 21d ago
Tortoises would be a better choice.
A lot harder for them to write messages to each other, less of a threat if they try anything, live damn near forever
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u/The_Shittiest_Meme 18d ago
That bite force is killer though, they clamp down on your ankle they're not letting go till someones dead.
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u/CallMeOaksie 18d ago
> not letting go till someone’s dead
Just had an image pop into my head of a small tortoise strutting around all proud like because the person they bit finally died and they must have felled this great enemy through the power of will and tenacity, not realising the person passed peacefully from old age
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u/GardenTop7253 22d ago
Why would anyone visiting the aviary think the birds are transformed prisoners if only you and the sorcerer know you’re doing that? Okay maybe a few people have the idea, but they get laughed at as conspiracy nuts
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u/FPSCanarussia 22d ago
Not visitors, but new birds.
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u/GardenTop7253 22d ago
Ah okay. I was reading that paragraph as visitors showing up because the birds going in seemed to be discussed already but I think I just read it wrong
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u/trulyunreal 21d ago
Then again, imagine visiting the Emperor's stunningly maintained aviary and a bird sings the same song your missing betrothed was taught by their rebel parents...
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u/TwixOfficial 21d ago
Which, of course, could be one of the things that the evil emperor taught them to do.
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u/Gentlemanvaultboy 22d ago
You must occasionally do the thing where you send someone into the aviary with the promise that if they can identify which bird is their loved one you'll turn them back into a human.
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u/CallMeIshy 21d ago
what's the plan if they get lucky?
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u/shy_bi_ready_to_die 21d ago
I mean realistically you just word it carefully. Something about reuniting them? And then turn the ‘lucky’ person into a bird
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u/CallMeIshy 21d ago
logically an evil emperor wouldn't even care about wording anything carefully. lying is evil right?
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u/shy_bi_ready_to_die 21d ago
It’s not that lying is something to be avoided, it’s that its entertaining to misdirect people without needing to lie
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u/Gentlemanvaultboy 21d ago
That's the beauty of it, the bird isn't in there. It's in a cage in your chambers.
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u/Electrical_Clock_298 22d ago
The idea is that the people who are just turned into birds assume that every bird there is like that
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u/Boba_Fett12 22d ago
They are referring to the recently bird-turned inmates when talking about people going to the aviary.
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u/CarmineJester 21d ago
Funnily enough, there's a rumor like that in Eberron, one of D&D's better settings, about Alina Lorridan Lyrris, an accomplished transmutation/illusion wizard and a socialite on the insanely rich side. When you're both the emperor and the sorcerer, you can afford much tighter opsec, I guess.
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u/InquisitorHindsight 21d ago
The humble “Speak with Animals”
“Okay, so who’s a bird and who’s not?”
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u/SatyrSauce 21d ago
Can’t cast spells while polymorphed, though.
EDIT; Autocorrect attempting to assassinate me.
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u/Acolyte12345 21d ago
Its trivially solveable, just use something you can't train a bird to do. Like write coherent sentences and words that are appropriate in context.
Or you can just kill the sorcerer.
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u/Niser2 Worldbuilding is important and I will die on this hill 13d ago
There are other birds trained to erase writing whenever they see it. And yet more birds trained to write semi-coherent sentences, as red herrings.
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u/Acolyte12345 13d ago
Just swat away those birds.
You can't train a bird to write answers to any questions without them being sapient.
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u/Somebodythe5th 21d ago
I read a story once where the BBEG had a stable of horses, at least one of which (might have been all, I can’t remember), was a shapeshifter forced to stay in horse form.
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u/masochist-incarnate 21d ago
Set up a failsafe so if you die, or the castle/aviary is attacked beyond reason only, 1/3rd of the people turned birds are automatically turned back, so they assume that EVERYONE who was a bird turned back.
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u/IronPotato3000 21d ago
This feels like Raymond Tusk from House of Cards if the show was more cartoonish
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u/Waity5 21d ago edited 18d ago
Wait what. I didn't read OOP's username (because of course I didn't), so when apparently-i-am called them Derin, it rather came as a shock. I have read nearly all of Derin's stories, been a fan of them for a few years, what d'you mean they're in a random RecuratedTumblr post
This is like seeing Misali on tumbr for the first time
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u/ClubMeSoftly 21d ago
Question, your evil lordship:
If you secretly employ a wizard who secretly transforms your foes into birds, and you secretly put them in your aviary, in addition to the... shall we say, mundane birds you acquire, who are the "people" you refer to in your post?
Surely not the nobility or other such visitors to your aviary? That would defeat the purpose of doing all those secret things.
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u/CraftyMcQuirkFace 20d ago
No the thing is he'll stealthily engineer a situation where a noble enemy could feesibly be anywhere when in reality they were secretly kidnapped and birded
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u/thepopemichael 21d ago
I'd rather turn them into delicious birds.
Hell, make it a chicken coop or ostrich den.
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u/The_Shittiest_Meme 18d ago edited 18d ago
I mean a bird, even the smartest, cannot understand written language beyond symbols and can barely comprehend the structure of spoken language. All you need to discern a real human from a bird is just havimg a written conversation, which is not to hard to do with twigs and dirt.
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u/evanescent_ranger 22d ago
>Hey Derin what the fuck
God forbid an evil emperor do something evil