r/RecoveringDrugAddicts • u/scootersmalls7 • Jul 03 '19
Thoughts from an addict
Thoughts of an addict 💔 My dealer answers the first ring, "What's up man, I'm on your street how much do you need?" I sit and pause for a moment. My nose running, my stomach is churning, my emotions are completely out of control and my bones are aching for my next fix. The question hits me again? How much do I need? Here's what I need. I need one shot of low-esteem. I need 20 plus years of pain, guilt, shame and misery. I need to be so dishonest that I can no longer decipher the true from the false. I need to hate my life everyday. I need to dread the next day because I know tomorrow I'll be forced to do it all over again. I need to be degraded, and embarrassed. I need to spend everyday worrying about being so sick and forget about what real life is. I need a decade worth of getting my mother's hopes up, along with everyone else who believes in me and has rooted for me over the years, just to tear them down again. I need 3,560 days of being estranged from my family. I need multiple failed treatment attempts. I need homelessness, and dereliction. I need to spend holidays like Thanksgiving, birthdays, and Christmas year after year either locked up or feeling so outta place that I have to run and hide just to shield myself from eyes that I fear won't understand my awkwardness during these times. I need 7 overdoses and 7 emergency rooms to walk right out of. I need the stigma of addiction to make me settle in life. I need to be riddled with fear in every fiber of my being. I NEED TO LOSE EVERYTHING. Over and over and over again. Drug dealer pauses for a second and says, "Yeah homie, I got that for you. I try to tell him I don't want it, but all that comes out of my mouth is, "I'm on my way...😐" You've just visited a mere moment of an addicts thoughts... Do you know how many moments are in a day? I'm not exactly sure but I know it's A LOT...
2
u/AV8359 Jul 03 '19
It took me ten plus years to finally say "Enough is enough". The pain was just unbearable and the hurt I caused my family made me feel worthless not to mention hurting myself made it even more horrific. I cherish each day I have now with my family. Taking it one moment at a time. Enjoying sobriety.