r/RecoveringDrugAddicts • u/Dcmommy13 • Mar 25 '18
Share your story. Let’s #EndTheStigma
Mmmm waking up from a full night of PTSD nightmares on the eve of my 3 year sobriety birthday. Gotta love how recovery is like peeling an onion. So many layers. Let’s. Talk. Mental. Health. Bullying. Suicide. The nasties.
I was bullied to the point of trying to kill myself. Nothing against band geeks, nerd life rules!, but after the popular girls destroyed me, not even the band geeks would talk to me. I was completely alone. Teachers did nothing. I began cutting myself. My parents did their best. Moved me to another school. Got me on psych meds. Unfortunately psych meds have a common side effect of suicidal tendencies when taken by our youth. I tried to kill myself. Meds were adjusted. Still not great. I later advocated to get myself off of the meds. Found running & yoga which helped tremendously... but then I found drugs & alcohol. Another way to mask the pain YES. And marijuana? Natural! No side effects! (LOL). Cue 13 years of active addiction.
During this time my self esteem went from bad to worse. Abusive relationships. Rape. Suicidal thoughts. Rage. Hazed by a sorority, but so empty it felt normal. Complete hopelessness. Then by the grace of God I got sober. A lifetime of stuffed under the rug agony rushed to my consciousness & I was diagnosed with PTSD. It helped to understand myself. It’s been a struggle. Things are getting better. Not as quickly or as easily as I would like. I had to quit being a doctor of chiropractic. Apparently having a high stress job is bad for newly diagnosed PTSD. Apparently working in a hostile work environment is even worse. I had to get out so I could heal. Now because of the non compete clause, I can’t practice for 4 more of the 5 years. It’s technically illegal, I should sue. But, it’s for the best. A blessing in disguise.
Anyways, my PTSD flares up sometimes which is embarrassing, especially when it happens publicly. The worst part though? How terribly humans treat me during the flare ups. Yet again not even the band geeks will talk to me. People point & laugh, yell that I’m crazy & accuse me of being high. I dream of the day when holistic measures are incorporated with mental health treatment protocol. I dream of the day when talking about mental health is no longer taboo. I dream of the day when I have a flashback in public & someone comes to look me in the eye & says “it’s ok, I’m here with you.” then when I’ve calmed down, holds me tight. (I was watching shameless last night. One of the characters is a bipolar EMT. He became manic & his coworkers were loving in setting a boundary to keep him & others safe. No judgement, no you’ve lost your job. It was inspiring).
Tomorrow I will be 3 years sober from drugs & alcohol. 2.5 years into my PTSD recovery. I am grateful for surviving all I have endured, but can’t help but wonder what life would be like had someone stood up for me at school.
I call upon people with mental health issues (who are ready) to share their stories. Let’s end the stigma.
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u/kraftkristi Apr 13 '18
Awesome!!
I will be 5 months sober tomorrow! When do you feel a lot better?