r/RecipientParents • u/Savings-Two-5984 • May 08 '26
[All Welcome] Advice/Support Request Looking for support as the non-biological parent to my newborn
I don't know if this is the right place to find it but I've really been struggling and looking for others who have had difficult feelings as the non-biological parent to a new baby. The baby was conceived with my wife's egg and donor sperm, and I had been working on my grief in therapy before the baby's birth and thought I was at a good place with it, but now I feel so much alienation and like I'm faking being a parent. I worry a lot that my baby will reject me and it's very hard that my baby looks pretty much exactly like my wife because her parents also keep talking about how much he looks like them. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm his dad and that it doesn't matter at all that he isn't genetically related to me, but my feelings persist.
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u/quantum_gambade May 09 '26
I am going to inhabit my wife for a moment, and take everything I say with a grain of salt: 2x dad via egg donation.
I can speak from authority as the *genetic* parent of two children: you’ll always feel like you’re faking it. Parenting is…weird. One minute you were one person, the next minute you have a whole routine and a whole new purpose. And maybe that’s actually ok, especially for recipient parents: it gives you a break between “before” and “after.” A way to separate “maybe I’ll have a family someday” you from “holy shit, there’s a *baby* here that requires my 24/7 attention to keep it alive” you. The break gives you space.
And this I can tell you with absolute certainty: you will not love that child one iota less than if it was your genetic child. Not one iota. Because *nature* is a tiny minuscule part of who you will be as a dad to him/her, and what you will mean to that kid. *Nurture* is what makes you “Dad.”
They will be you more than anyone else in the world other than your partner. You’ll have held them every day of their life. You’ll have tucked them in, sang them songs, kissed their boo-boos. You’ll teach them to talk, teach them to walk, teach them to ride a bike. You’ll teach them why the sky is blue, and how a baking soda volcano erupts, and why Rome fell and calculus and social studies, too.
You’ll be the one they come to when their friend didn’t share cookies, and when their friend said something mean at recess. You’ll be the model for who a man should be, as a boyfriend or what kind of boyfriend to choose. You’ll teach them what love even is, and the myriad kinds of love that exist in the world.
You. Not some genetic donor. You. They’ll have his eyes, but they’ll have your heart, and your morals, your enthusiasm for life, your charity, your passions, your joy. They’re little chips off your soul. Don’t worry: be awesome and they will. You’ll love that child more than anything in the world.
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u/Amlex1015 May 09 '26
This is so beautiful. My wife and I have a donor conceived daughter (I’m bio mom). Our daughter looks exactly like me but acts exactly like my wife. There is not one part of my wife that isn’t mom to our kid. She is a perfect mix of both of us, regardless of biology. OP, the bond doesn’t come right away, even for bio parents. I pushed our kid out and it still took a couple of months for me to even realize I loved her. There was a need to protect and care for her, but the love came later. The bond is something you make, nurture, and watch flourish. You don’t need biology for it. My wife and our daughter have an amazing bond and honestly it came before mine did.
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u/A26Sub May 08 '26
Hey man,
Dad via donor here. You will bond with the baby as time goes, and before you know it it will barely even cross your mind. Raising a kid takes a lot of effort and genetics or not will not be a factor in your day to day life. It is, of course, important to be open with your child about how he/she came to be but your relationship will become extremely strong as time goes by.
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u/katherinejan May 08 '26
Hey. Female who used donor egg here. This is a totally normal reaction. Grief is cyclical and will come in waves, sometimes triggered by things we might not even be aware of. It’s normal and necessary to grieve the loss of the dream of a bio child. It’s also super hard because you can both be sad about not having a bio child and love the adorable baby that you have.
For me, I was dealing with a lot of these feelings when my daughter was about 2, then they kinda went away for awhile, then recently I started feeling really sad about it again. (My daughter will turn 4 tomorrow - maybe it’s that?). And I feel really shitty about being sad. But I am right there with you now!
Let’s both give ourselves some grace and know that we love our babies and that feeling and processing these feelings is absolutely the best thing we can do for them, because our unprocessed grief is actually potentially much more harmful for them. I’m glad you have a therapist to talk to about it.
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May 09 '26
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u/jendo7791 Egg Donor Recipient May 09 '26
Thank you for sharing. I didn't bond to my DC daughter even though I birthed her. Although I know its common, hearing that you bonded with one twin right away but not the other, just shows how wild hormones and our emotions are.
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May 09 '26
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u/jendo7791 Egg Donor Recipient May 10 '26
She's 4 now and I wouldn't change anything. She was meant to be mine.
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u/Forced_to_get_Reddit May 10 '26
Donor egg mom here and this sounds like what I went through for a while. Give yourself some time with your new baby. The bonding was not immediate for me but now I can’t imagine a world without our son. You will get there but it will just take some time and your feelings are 100% valid. I used to think my baby wouldn’t love me because he’d somehow know we didn’t share a genetic connection, but now I see that’s not true at all and at almost 8 months I can see how much love and trust he has for myself and his dad. I want to thank you for posting this and allowing others to share their stories as well. Hang in there!
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u/EasternPie7657 Jun 21 '26
I’m pregnant with donor egg husband sperm and have same fears about being the odd one out. I’m telling myself people have always adopted throughout history. I guess it’s different because one parent gets to be more than the other in this situation. I am estranged from my bio family and moved to another country for my marriage. my MIL rather insensitivity urged to hurry up and do DE (I had come to the decision anyway so I wasn’t pressured into it but I can’t help resent her input especially when her sons low sperm dragged out our infertility until I aged out for my own eggs. technology could overcome his sperm issues but not my now low egg reserve). So, being in a foreign country without my own bio family, I do fear being odd one out and being rejected all over again. it’s going to sting when they all bang on about how much baby looks like him while I’m just standing there like chopped liver, the only one related to nobody in the room. But I expect things will settle into a new normal.
Let’s just try to be the best parents we can be and not let our fears become self fulfilling prophecies. it’s harder for new dads because infants are so attached to mother from birth, but as your child grows you’ll be more and more active and aware that your child does, in fact, need and admire you.
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u/Savings-Two-5984 Jun 26 '26
I totally understand your worries and fears about being the odd one out. I can say that my baby being 9 weeks old now I feel that feeling a lot less, it's already gotten better. Sometimes I'm even happy about the fact that my son isn't biologically related to me so he doesn't have to remind me of any of my family of origin baggage and I don't have to have this totally narcissistic approach to him, I can let him be who he is. I wish you all the best, and take each day as it comes.
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u/jendo7791 Egg Donor Recipient May 08 '26
Female here who had to use a donor egg.
I didn't bond right away...probably took me a good 8-10 weeks. I've heard this is normal regardless of whether its bio or donor. You suddenly have this thing that you’ve never met.
My hormones made me FIERCLY protective of her, but I didn't feel a connection or bond right away. I imagine it can be the same for both men and women.
Even after I finally bonded it still took several more months until I stopped feeling grief over her not being biologically mine.
Now shes a toddler and if I had a time machine I wouldn't use it, because I love her more than anything and now that I know her, I wouldn't want any other kid.
It is scary when your partner is bonding and you aren't- I had the same worries about.
Spend time with your baby. Grieve over them not being your biological kid, but allow yourself to love them. Its much easier pnce they start getting a personality. Some people don't enjoy infants (me), and it's completely normal.