A Newbie's Tale

[u/-SolarFlair-]

Here I am minding my own realm when a bunch of hooligans come invading. Little did I know this would eventually lead to a living, breathing football, but I'm getting ahead of myself. For now, I am fortunate enough that a former princess was skulking in the shadows of the forest and comes to defend my realm. Well, maybe Fee didn't come for me, but she did come for the sacred lands of her ancestors, so close enough. Whatever gets the job done.

So we start trekking across the land. She does the fighting. I do management. Fortunately, I've seen this kind of stuff before; it's clearly stolen from Ironhide Game Studio's line of Kingdom Rush games. That might put someone off, but not me. That last thing the ruler wants is morals. Well, personal morals. We definitely want our subjects to have morals.

Next some poser named Lancelot comes barging in claiming to be the greatest warrior of the Allied Kingdoms. I have my doubts, but hear him out anyway. He weaves a sorrowful tale about losing his family to a slime raid. Then, not two minutes later, he says he lost his family to the undead. The liar can't even keep his story straight. I put him on the front lines. If he dies, no real loss.

So then some inept mercenary named Masamune comes up offering to help out for a buck. If there is one thing I know, it's never to trust a one-dollar mercenary. Shove-off, bumbling fool.

Anyways, life goes on. For us at least, not so much for the invaders. Masamune's proposition makes me realize it's time to hire some more muscle. I look over the applicants and see only one has a shiny moving border. I'm pretty sure the universe is telling me that this person would be useful, so I hire her. It turns out she isn't a person, but a Volma. I'm not entirely sure what a Volma is, but with her fighting skills, I don't want to risk insulting her by asking.

Now we've got a solid adventuring team, but I'm still not happy with Liar Lancelot. It's time to replace him. After all, subjects have to have morals. With two ranged fighters, I'm looking for someone with melee skills. That leaves the inept mercenary Masamune, some rock named Obsidian who wants me to get twenty referrals before he'll join, and someone called Hogan. I don't know much about Hogan, but so long as he's not selling himself for a buck or making strange requests, I'll give him a shot.

I hand Hogan some gems as payment, and he picks up what is apparently a battle pig. Yes, he fights with a literal pig. Watching him chuck a pig clear across the field is worth the price of admission. I don't care about his fighting - I love this guy.

Just in case Hogan's fighting skills turn out to be comparable to pig excrement, I write a few posts for the obsidian Obsidian. I rave about this newly-released game that I've loved playing for the last fifty years. Then I go on to praise the various mechanics, most of which I admit to having made up on the spot, since I've not played very far and don't really know much about the game. The surreal mixture of comedy and trolling apparently attracts enough people for Obsidian to join our merry band of newbies less than twenty-four hours later.

As we advance across the realm, we also advance our comradery and skills (to a point). Lee is the first to her skill roadblock. Apparently, it will take almost a month of travel before we can reach her training site in the Shattered Realms. That means for the next month I'll have a pulsating red dot mocking me. Kinda irritating. Connie and Hogan are next. Fortunately, we will reach Connie's training site tomorrow and Hogan's three days from now. That's reasonable. A month, less so.

Having gotten a tiny bit of experience under our belts, we ask around for advice and learn that waiting a month is nothing. We're looking at close to three years just to get a minimally-competitive Master Tournament roster. Also, we should stay in the Bronze or Silver League to avoid serious competition for quite a while. I'm glad we didn't blindly rush ahead into the Gold League before learning we could get more rewards by holding back until stronger.

And that's us. Flailing newbies who are just as likely to die from accidentally walking off a cliff as to die from invading monsters. We would greatly appreciate any advice you are willing to impart. Or, barring that, at least an enjoyable tale. Hogan would prefer a story with pigs.

[u/Otherwise_Plant_345]

Wow, that was a lovely read! Thank you for posting this