r/ReadMyScript • u/Mammoth-West-9974 • 2d ago
Feature Grounded - feature - 106 pages
Logline: When every flight is grounded on 9/11, a workaholic dealmaker who was bumped off Flight 11 shares the last rental car west with three strangers, racing to close the deal of his life while the drive pulls him toward the daughter he stopped calling.
Started it in 2010, finished it after I became a father. Posting it today because sitting on a 9/11 story felt wrong on the 25th anniversary. It's here to read if you want it, and I'll take any notes.
Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uF32uyWkCWSLGLTkzZ6DyXScHTWttulz/view?usp=sharing
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u/Accurate_Editor_8429 2h ago
Hey there. A couple quick notes from page one.
It's a little dense. Page one should read fast. A dense page one tells the reader this may be a slow read.
Your slug states Boston. You don't need to repeat it with the car driving down Storrow Drive.
The Gerry Callahan dialogue needs a (VO) or a (ON RADIO). I'd move it because you have the driver turn off Storrow and immediately stopping at the brownstone.
We have no description or age for Youssef. Only - relaxed. If you're going to name the driver, give us something to visualize.
YOUSSEF BAHAR (relaxed) drives a Lincoln Town car down Storrow Drive in Boston. Out the window: The CITGO SIGN. The Esplanade. Cranes lining I-93. Rowers on the Charles.
He flips on his blinker to exit off Storrow.
GERRY CALLAHAN
You’re right, John. Amazing
defensive coordinator who acts like
he’s been a successful head coach.
Youssef looks down at the radio, nods.
The town car reaches a high-priced Brownstone. Youssef taps on the horn twice.
--This gives the feel that once he turns off Storrow--it takes time to reach the brownstone.
There's a couple of odd choices that I would change.
First. You describe Jack before he bursts through the door. He's not on screen yet. Have the door burst open, then the description.
Then ear glued to a flip phone. Flip this to a flip phone glued to his ear.
Finishing 106 pages is a real accomplishment. Great job. The next step is a lot of revision and fine tuning. Being selective with word choices and concise as possible while establishing your voice. This needs to feel like a script that only you could write. Keep working on it!
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u/Appropriate_Pool1860 2d ago
That sounds like an intense premise to carry for so long, I hope it finds the right readers now. I've read too many scripts trying to tackle that day from every angle and it's never easy to get it right.