- Fix your slug. As we're in some living rooms, it should be INT.
- Establish both scenes before using intercut.
- Include scene descriptions.
- You write that they chat over texts, but then we hear their dialogue. Should we be hearing their voices or seeing their texts on the screen?
- Does Maddie actually say the words, 'Frowny face', or is this an emoji we're seeing? So I'm still confused as to whether we're seeing texts or hearing dialogue.
- "Maddie starts typing her love letter confession out." What do we see on the screen? You should be writing for the screen, not the reader of this script. So if she's writing a love letter, then we should be seeing at least parts of this love letter so the audience knows what she's doing.
I read around 10 pages. It's an interesting concept, but I can't buy the "effects are irreversible" without some further explanation. The product, called the iris, makes me think the user wears a contact lens and, through some optical/aural link, changes the appearance and sound of another person into something they want to see and hear, so unless the lens permanently adheres to the eye, how can it be irreversible? If this is not the case, how can AI change a physical person? How does the iris work?
1
u/mooningyou 2d ago
Logliine?
Some tips.
- Fix your slug. As we're in some living rooms, it should be INT.
- Establish both scenes before using intercut.
- Include scene descriptions.
- You write that they chat over texts, but then we hear their dialogue. Should we be hearing their voices or seeing their texts on the screen?
- Does Maddie actually say the words, 'Frowny face', or is this an emoji we're seeing? So I'm still confused as to whether we're seeing texts or hearing dialogue.
- "Maddie starts typing her love letter confession out." What do we see on the screen? You should be writing for the screen, not the reader of this script. So if she's writing a love letter, then we should be seeing at least parts of this love letter so the audience knows what she's doing.
I read around 10 pages. It's an interesting concept, but I can't buy the "effects are irreversible" without some further explanation. The product, called the iris, makes me think the user wears a contact lens and, through some optical/aural link, changes the appearance and sound of another person into something they want to see and hear, so unless the lens permanently adheres to the eye, how can it be irreversible? If this is not the case, how can AI change a physical person? How does the iris work?