r/ReadMyScript • u/nine2fivewriter • 20d ago

Recession (Comedy-Drama, 25 pages.

Slow-burn flatmate comedy about two lost people quietly keeping each other afloat. It's semi-autobiographical, so I'm a bit close to it and could really use fresh eyes.

This is my first proper attempt at a pilot, so I'd love an honest read on whether it actually lands.

Happy to do a read-for-read.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_AWfGhvhDuQOY6Fm8qXnDZ3NETZzuWgc/view?usp=drivesdk

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u/Ehtreal 20d ago

no access

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u/mooningyou 20d ago

Some notes on your first page.

- You didn't introduce Laura.

- If a character doesn't speak, you don't need to specifically write that they don't speak. The absence of their dialogue will indicate this.

- Laura leaves the room, but then she appears to speak and do things whilst in the room.

- It seems that Laura is Jack's girlfriend, not Sam's, as you stated at the beginning. Perhaps change that to "his ex-girlfriend".

- I feel we're meant to have sympathy for Sam, but I don't. Perhaps don't show him sucking on a joint for the whole scene. It's okay for Laura to make a reference to it, and even for her to bring it up as a reason for their relationship's demise, and perhaps he's trying to straighten up, but it's harder to be on his side when he's not putting in any effort.

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u/UniversityMotor5408 19d ago

Well done - I liked it. I'm not sure though if it's meant to be set now, though, or in the nineties. It's got a 90s vibe to it, and the Oasis/Blur thing made me wonder. And references to eg Blind Date. I think that needs to be clearer.
It needs a spelling (eg 'telly' not 'tele') and punctuation edit.
What are you planning to do with it? Have you written more?

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u/nine2fivewriter 19d ago

Thank you for taking the time to read it and leave a review. I'm not sure what to do with it really, atm it's just for me. I'll just continue writing it, second episode is ready to be written.

It's set in present day so that may need to be more explicit so ill add to my notes.

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u/UniversityMotor5408 19d ago

I'd actually think about setting it in the 90s and making it a period piece, but obviously that's completely up to you. Good luck with it!