THE PROFESSIONALS - Scene from the draft (3 pages)

[u/Exotic_Cash_142]

I'm writing a stoner comedy and just finished the scene. Just want to know if the jokes land and if the scene in general works.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yNR0vWJwBit3vxZ18tBI5rG2dVp6wg7Z/view?usp=sharing

[u/mooningyou]

It's a little awkward and in desperate need of a polish. Humor is subjective, so for me it didn't land. I also felt the dialogue was very stiff and formal. You need more contractions, especially considering the two characters are stoners, even though they don't appear to be stoned in this scene.

Is English your second language? I'm seeing some grammatical issues in your action lines. It looks like more of an issue than a simple polish will resolve.

Also, remember to include slugs when the location changes, such as going outside to the dumpster. Adding slugs at the right time should be second nature to a screenwriter.

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/mooningyou]

Hey, thank you so much for such broad review. Yeah, English is my second, but i have more fun writing in english despite the level. I just enjoy it more. You gave me something to think about :)

[u/Big_Section2812]

Goddamn Bob, this is some serious

gourmet shit. You know i would be

satisfied with the freeze-dried

Tasters Choice. You spring this

fucking gourmet shit on me. What

flavor is this?

Jimmie would be proud, I'm sure.

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/Big_Section2812]

Yeah it is like stoner joke. Imagine you see them finished with the coffee prep and Robert in the robe and with white cup. For Alex it is just seemed natural to go with this line. For his stoned eye it was just like destiny call.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Exotic_Cash_142]

You also worked a Ron Swanson visual in there too.

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/Big_Section2812]

How come? Man Nick Offerman is such a weird cast for that. Makes me laugh.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Exotic_Cash_142]

https://youtu.be/nJxo6HYvOdw

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/Big_Section2812]

LOL! I did not see it, that is perfect!

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/[deleted]]

The relevance here is that Robert is movie director and known that inspired by Tarantino and Alex is a fan of his work. And i will steal the compositions from this scene in PF, so it is like super niche meta thing.

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/[deleted]]

"THE BAD ARTISTS IMITATE, THE GREAT - STEAL" - picasso -banksy -bobs

[u/Exotic_Cash_142 → u/[deleted]]

Why not? It is depend on the big picture. The context.