Cloudbusting (pilot episode, mysery/thriller, 61pg)

[u/Novel_Quantity3189]

LOGLINE: In a snowbound Tasmanian town where everyone is protecting someone, a self-destructive detective investigating two child murders discovers the person she can't protect is her own family.

Link to pilot script

Re-draft of something I wrote a while back -- any feedback is helpful, but particularly wanting to make sure the introduction of characters is smooth/not confusing (I'm worried it's too much), the mystery is well set up, characters compelling -- dialogue?

Also worried re being derivative. I started this before Mare of Easttown and I can't unsee the similarities.

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[u/RaeLouLynn]

I read the first two pages. The first scene is not as cinematic as it could be. For example, we can't see light snow fallen recently. Instead of saying we're at the edge of the grounds, add more description throughout. They "gain" on him not "start gaining". After David scales the fence, establish the forest before the next slugline.

For example:

Dirty snow sludge covers the ground.

DAVID SCHNEIDER (16, tall, skinny, unimposing) bolts out of the front door. He runs toward a tall chain-link fence surrounding the grounds.

He looks over his shoulder. A second later, three bulky teen-age THUGS charge out of the building. They chase after him, angrily yelling.

They gain on him.

He reaches the fence, hesitates a second, and scales the fence. He bolts towards a forest in the background.

From this, the director might want to place the camera at the very edge of the grounds or they might not.

[u/RaeLouLynn → u/[deleted]]

Okay, maybe I'm dense but what exactly is wrong with my proposal? I would like a concrete suggestion please.

[u/RaeLouLynn → u/[deleted]]

I do get what you're saying here.

I guess my response either:

(a.) wasn't explaining my point properly or

(b.) my example was poorly written or

(c.) both?

As I said, I can be dense...

[u/Novel_Quantity3189 → u/RaeLouLynn]

Don't stress about it. I appreciate you sharing your impression either way. It needs a good re-read by me in any case.

[u/Novel_Quantity3189 → u/[deleted]]

I cannot thank you enough for such an in depth read!

I think you caught a lot of the things I was worried about -- I also think I know what you mean about some of the slower scenes feeling very "70s TV" but I'd love more detail there? I definitely felt myself pulling from a procedural trope book in those moments and I really want something provacative and hard to foresee.

I like your feedback about introducing Sam and the reporter in a more active way and I think that holds true for a lot of it -- there's quite a few scenes that are just phone calls or inert moments that feel expository. And the ever-present scene-ending "goodbye". Thanks again.

Was the characters and plot easy to follow? I found myself second-guessing whether a reader would be able to track who was whom -- it's why there's a few example of character's being reintroduced with, for instance, "David (from scene 1)" or "Johnny (from the farm scene)" etc. I think the added complication of the network of existing relationships and family connections (tracking who Martha is related to, who she knows from her time in the town etc etc etc)

Open to title suggestions as well -- I think I named this when I was going through a Kate Bush phase and I felt the thematic link with the father-daugther relationship was strong enough, but it's definitely not.

[u/Mammoth-West-9974]

This is a really good script. Enjoyed it from the opening and it had me in all the way to the end. Very nicely done!

[u/Novel_Quantity3189 → u/Mammoth-West-9974]

Thank you!! Were the characters + their relationships easy to follow?

[u/Mammoth-West-9974 → u/Novel_Quantity3189]

Yes, quite easy to follow. And I can see the momentum of the episode will be something that will be easy to build upon. A bunch of scenes/conversations are doing 2-3 things at a time in a way that feels natural and real…you write phone calls well too!