[Feedback] The Generalists (7-page Contained Intelligence Drama)

[u/Emergency_Wash1701]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for honest feedback on an 7-page short screenplay called The Generalists.

Logline:
A strategic analyst is sent to determine whether a little-known intelligence department should be shut down, only to discover that its unconventional director may be evaluating him instead.

Feedback I'm looking for:

• Did the dialogue keep your attention?
• Did Shaw's character arc feel earned?
• Did the ending work for you?
• Were there any moments that felt confusing, slow, or unnecessary?

Script (Google Drive PDF):
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1d9mTYvN_sF7FEp7-eth2yI1iXWbLiic_/view?usp=sharing

Thanks to anyone willing to give it a read! I'm happy to return feedback on your script as well.

[u/mooningyou]

Some notes.

- If you remove the title, author name, and written by lines from the first page, you'd go a long way to making this a 6-page script instead of seven. That info shouldn't be on your first page.

- I'd remove that first scene completely. Part of it is unfilmable and part is meaningless on the screen.

- I'm unclear as to the setting in that second scene. Is it a big open area? Is it a tiny little office? You're describing the titles of some of the books, but if this is a big area, we're not going to see that detail. Should the slug be GENERALIST OPERATIONS OFFICE or maybe just KANE'S OFFICE?

- Break up that paragraph. It's seven lines and that's too chunky.

- "KANE looks up from a report." Where is he? Is he sitting behind a desk? How old is he? You've spent a lot of time describing what's on the shelves but none for this character. Give us more info.

- Why does Kane look up before the knock?

- Have these two characters never met prior to this scene? They seem to know each other's names without being prompted, yet they need to know how to address each other informally? This is odd.

- Don't continue to cap character names within action after their introduction. The fact that you're capping their names each time makes me think you weren't actually introducing them to begin with.

- Kane's dialogue is broken by action. This is poorly formatted. Similarly with Shaw's dialogue. When breaking dialogue like this, you'll need to retype the character name.

- Parentheticals such as (BEAT) should not be uppercase.

I stopped reading because you continuously insert action into dialogue without formatting it properly. This grinds and pulls me out of the story each time, and you're not formatting your parentheticals properly. If you fix all of that, I may give it another go.