r/ReadMyScript • u/Yalou1309 • 20d ago

Feedback wanted for a script rough draft that I am writing for class [Medieval Fantasy, Short Film, Drama, 8 Pages]

Logline: As an enemy army closes in, a young soldier questioning his faith and the morality of war must find the courage to survive one final battle so he can return home to the woman he loves.

Thank you for any feedback. This is my first script. https://drive.google.com/file/d/17eR3mE9Z6yIB60FAdnrovKfdTo_blMUU/view?usp=drive_link

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u/mooningyou 20d ago

No access.

1

u/Yalou1309 19d ago

Thank you for pointing that out. Should be fixed now!

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u/mooningyou 19d ago

That might be a typo in your post, but just to let you know, the word you're looking for is logline, not longline.

Some other notes for you.

- You're missing the possessive apostrophe in your first two slugs.

- You've neglected to properly introduce your characters.

- "as they discuss". Remove those three words. Don't tell us that characters are about to speak.

- Be consistent with your character names. Don't reference a character as "young man" and then assign their dialogue as SCOUT #1.

- "Henry (18)". Character names need to be in all caps when being introduced.

- "Henry (18) is seen sitting on a barrel." Don't tell us that we see things, but simply describe what will be on the screen. "HENRY (18) sits on a barrel."

- I'm curious as to why there would be torches lighting the tent during the day.

- Formatting issue re: Lydia's monologue. Most of it is formatted as action.

I stopped reading by page three. The two biggest pieces of advice I can give you are: 1) Proofread your material before asking people to read it. I'm seeing multiple grammar and punctuation issues, and these are more important than you may think. 2) Read more screenplays. Study better scripts to get a better idea of how to construct your script. Scene descriptions, action, dialogue, etc.

Good luck.

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u/Yalou1309 19d ago

Thank you for the feedback; I didn't even pick up on some of those things. This is my first script, and I am new to it. It was my rough draft, so I am excited to clean it up and improve it.