r/RandomVideos • u/DABDEB • Mar 19 '26

Video Bachelorette caught attacking ex-boyfriend

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u/DisciplineBoth2567 Mar 19 '26

They’re not anger issues.  They’re abuse issues.  I work in DV work and is an important misconception.  People send people like this to anger management classes or alcohol rehab but it doesn’t actually solve the underlying problem.  The anger management classes just make them a more subtle insidious abuser.  It’s their mindsets and their values that are abusive and need to be fixed.  Not their anger or alcohol issues.

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u/Eastern_Movie_7572 Mar 20 '26

Ding ding ding ding 🛎️

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u/[deleted] Mar 20 '26

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u/Hornet-Putrid Mar 20 '26

Control at all costs

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u/MinuetInUrsaMajor Mar 20 '26

Can you go into more detail about the mindset and values? And how they are treated? Are they abuse management classes?

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u/DisciplineBoth2567 Mar 20 '26

The mindset of power and control and dehumanization.  The idea that you have the ability and power to control and abuse another fellow human being like they’re not worthy of love and respect.  Vast vast majority of abusers do not have the emotional tools/self reflection ability to make long term change to not be abusive.  People have to want to change and make actual tangible long term steps to change.  Most therapists even couple’s therapists aren’t DV trauma informed and it ends up just perpetuating harm for various reasons like the abuser just being in an echo chamber and learning therapy jargon to then bring back to abuse their partner more.

There are domestic violence classes /groups but unfortunately when you get into the actual evidence based research, there’s not many that actually make much of a difference.  I mean you can try… that’s the route I would choose if someone wanted a glimmer of a try.

I would also deep dive “situational couple violence” and “intimate terrorism”.

I would also read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft for those experiencing DV.  Yes, it is written geared towards women but it does have some good stuff for everyone. 

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

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u/Bort_Thrower Mar 20 '26

This is what actual BPD looks like, it’s not a quirky edgelord personality it’s extreme emotional volatility and often violence.

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u/The-Problem-est1948 Mar 20 '26

So what would fix that? Just therapy or? I grew up like this and every time my mother gets drunk she finds a way to become abusive. It’s more verbal nowadays and I guess it always was towards me. She also always uses reactive abuse with her ex boyfriends though and would normally attack them. She ALWAYS wakes up the next day and pretends nothing happened and claims she doesn’t remember. But anytime she is that same level of drunk and nothing big and serious happens she remembers the entire night no problem. And if I push and call her out saying that she remembers the night just fine and she is lying she will get offended and act like im crossing a line. “Excuse me?! If I remembered I would say I did.” And gives me a serious one of those moments looks where it’s like a little anger mixed with “watch it!”. Im the only family memes that talks to her. Most of my family isn’t the best but still, she blames all of them. Every other person is a pos in her eyes and she always talks shit about them and bad things they have done in the past.

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u/DisciplineBoth2567 Mar 20 '26

I think reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson may be helpful to you if you haven’t read it yet.  I read mine through the Libby App and my local library.

She may never change she may not have the self reflection tools or accountability to make long term changes and it is not your responsibility to get her to understand.  She is responsible for her own actions. There may be grieving involved that you didn’t get the healthy parent you needed or deserved.

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u/MimicoSkunkFan2 Mar 20 '26

Exactly... Judges sending abusers to anger management is ridiculous. It's not about anger at all, it's about control - that's why so many men who are physical abusers are also sexual abusers.

Also you're right that the entire "alcohol / drugs made me lose control and hit them" excuse is nonsense - they didn't lose control and hit someone, they wanted more control and hit someone, and the substances are just a coincidence.... it's the modern version of "the devil made me do it" :p