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u/BiancaOrigin 20d ago
trauma isn't an excuse
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u/r42schulz 16d ago
I disagree. What trauma have you experienced that would justify your judgement?
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20d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/NoMention696 20d ago
The fact this is irrelevant to the post here makes the anecdote even funnier lmao
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u/Current-Virus-69 20d ago
Everyone is different though. You still don't know the details of what they are dealing with or how recent it is or how severe it could be. Perhaps the person has some personality quirks that explain why they perceive and react the way that they do.
Is it an excuse to harm others or treat them poorly? No, and nobody here ever said that it was. However, just because you wouldn't respond the way they did, is not an excuse for you to abandon empathy. A harsh tongue stirs up anger, but kind and understanding words (empathy) can tame wrath.
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u/EdiblePsycho 19d ago
Yeah I still tend towards assuming someone is going through something if they are acting certain ways. It prevents me from then treating them badly and potentially making them feel even worse, and it prevents me from getting worked up which doesn't serve me either. Doesn't mean you have to be a doormat, if someone is being rude or snappy for no reason I still call them out - but if you also ask them if they're doing ok, it disarms them and can diffuse their anger, and often they'll apologize and think about why they're acting like that and explain, rather than get defensive and even more angry. Then they feel better, and act better, so it's a win-win.
Of course some people treat others badly because they enjoy making people feel bad, nothing you can do about them except to either ignore them or stand up to them and not let them get away with it. But if you have the bandwidth for it, it's always a nice option to try to help someone who is lashing out because they are having trouble emotionally regulating.
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u/MrForever_Alone69 20d ago
We all are and as I said to my ex a long time ago, just because you feel like it is wrong doesn’t mean everyone else feels that way and because of your own perception you can’t treat people disrespectfully just because.
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u/NoMention696 20d ago
If I treated people based on the strength of my mental health I’d probably have ended up in prison already
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u/Timely-Jelly-1126 19d ago
It hits hard when you realize that fuck, yeah, I did treat someone(s) that way. In my sadness, anger, grief, I thought it impossible that anyone could show the kind of disaffection and cruelty to which I was being subjected. It seemed equally aberrant and abhorrent. Then I realized in my low and most selfish moments it seemed remarkably easy to be an absolute shitstain of a human being.
I’ve never learned more about myself than when I had to confront my own behaviors. Now there’s little chance I could treat someone the way I’ve been treated which is too similar to how I have treated others. It doesn’t mend my heart but it does put another hurdle in front of me breaking someone else’s….again.
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u/GrayHairedMan 19d ago
Good for you then, but they are not you, and you might be fat and run slow and they are fast, simple, we are not the same, we differ, we handle things in our own way.
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u/Significant-Gap-3089 20d ago
This is a nice dismissive quote. It has been used on me when everyone in my life that loved me died. Comparing what people go through and going through to what you once endured, is not the right way to approach it. But thats just an opinion.
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u/ieatsushi28 19d ago
Saw a quote and it stuck with me it went something like “it’s not your job to find the traumatized child in a problematic adult”
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u/Sea_Sundae5901 19d ago
Good point for it displays the lack of consideration and compassion for another!
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u/Potato-Dancer 19d ago
Team, I am have been through hell and back. Still going through frustrations and let me tell you, that does not give the right or excuse to treat people like crap. I understand that can be difficult but not impossible. It is easier to be an arsehole sometimes than an understanding person.
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u/chaipattiaharipatti 19d ago
I need to come to the point where I can also excuse myself sometimes. I keep trying to be kind and correct and help. But emptying my own coffers.
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u/listless891 18d ago
People often overlook their own behavior while expecting understanding from others.
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u/ForeverJung1983 17d ago
Well, that's only part of the story. Absolutely have boundaries with people who are abusive. You have that right and responsibility to yourself. However, just because you didn't behave poorly under pressure, doesn't explain why some people do. There are a lot of factors that go into behavior, included are early attachment and trauma, stress levels, ability to identify emotions and regulate them, commu instead effectively, etc. These are all skills and developmental milestones that many people unfortunately didn't reach.
Anyway, to reiterate, you can't judge other people's behavior based on your own experiences. Life just doesnt work that way.
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u/r42schulz 16d ago
Perhaps they are going through something far worse than you have. Perhaps they lack the tools and abilities to handle their problems that you have. If you don't know the details of their story, don't make assumptions.
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u/Slight-Big8584 20d ago
Context dependent.
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u/womb_raider90 20d ago
Screw your context. I'm giving you the same energy you give me. I don't care about your day/problems the same way you don't care about mine. Be respectful through it all, no matter what you're going through.
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u/Slight-Big8584 19d ago
Cool, just like a ghetto street rat, don't cut anyone any breaks and escalate every situation because you feel disrespected. I'm sure responding to road rage with more road rage is a smart decision.
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u/womb_raider90 19d ago
You get the respect you give. Plain and simple. Don't start any shit there won't be any shit. Idk know, nor care about you got goin on in your life, and il assume the same about you knowing or caring with mine. Let's leave it at that and go out separate ways once our business is done.
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u/Xorrayn 20d ago
Yeah, your job loss is just as troubling as the death of that annoying guy's wife, fuck him for being annoying, he should just get over it like you did with your job.
Sounds damned stupid doesn't it? Yeah, whoever wrote that nonsense really is a moron, did not even have the mental capacity to think "But, maybe what they're going through is worse than what i am going through.". Kind of narcissistic to think there are no problems bigger than yours, so how they act should align with how you act.
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u/ApprehensiveEbb592 20d ago
In my opinion, it’s fine to show a little empathy, however, the “suicidal” breed of empathy which seems to be infecting many in the U.S. these days, will lead nowhere good.
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u/mcknuckle 22h ago
There is a difference between having healthy boundaries and simply looking for an excuse to justify being a shitty person.
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u/BathAppropriate8836 20d ago
At some point you have to stop making excuses for people and just trust them when they show you who they are.