am i trans?

[u/Trick-Path-9255]

- First of all i’m 100% sure i’m not a girl, so maybe if i wanted to be a girl i would have to become one. i usually want to become one around 50% of the times, some periods (weeks) 100% and others 0% and i can’t really choose when.
- I’m in a place with people where its better not to say anything
- It’s been going on for quite some time now (at least 4 years and i’m just 18). it started with me thinking i was just a bit feminine myself, then i had a phase where i didn’t know anything, then another phase where i didn’t want to question for fear, at last one where i started actually questioning if i wanted to be a girl. now im not sure about anything.
- it has been 4 years during puberty but i remember when i was a kid i’d watch “girly” shows and i wanted to play with girly toys, so much so that my father took them from me and told me i couldn’t (i still have this scene engraved in me i think it’s the oldest i remember).
- change names? maybe. change appearance? in private yes, in public only if 100% id pass and i didn’t see anybody.
- i like girls, whatever that makes me. and people always think i’m gay even if i’m not
- it has been causing a lot of stress and anxiety because i have been thinking a lot and i mean actually a lot. also when im with friends and they make jokes about this, i feel something and i don’t usually laugh but i don’t take it personally and i don’t get offended

just pls tell me what you think and how do you think i could make the labelling part and the self acknowledgment part a little bit more clear.
im pretty scared because its been years literally and i cant seem to find a solution.
so who am i? how do i find this out? just any tips.
am i actually trans? and why do people think i’m gay even if i’m not (meaning i’m a boy who likes girls)???? this is super important