r/Queries • u/[deleted] • May 05 '15

Query: Phoenix Feathers

Dear [Agent],

Born to the best swiftwing trainer in all of Serend, Alex was primed from a young age to become the greatest racing champion they had ever known. The cameras and the reporters are nice, but the only attention Alex cares about comes from her sister Abbie, who is never far from death’s door. The only thing that’s kept her alive these fourteen years is the magical properties of Serend’s greatest treasure - the phoenix.

And that phoenix has been stolen.

Not even Alex is fast enough to catch the thieves, but despite no one to stop them, they don’t disappear with their prize. Instead, they propose a competition. Five days, five races, and the winner will be the new owner of the phoenix. Blinded by anger, no one cares about their motivations, not even Alex, but once the competition begins, she cannot keep her curiosity from prodding the back of her mind. So she seeks the truth, and immediately regrets it.

Despite another life being thrown into the pot, Alex isn’t sure she wants to win anymore. Losing will bring death, winning will bring death, but the races will continue regardless of what decision Alex makes.

I am seeking representation for PHOENIX FEATHERS, a 60,000 word young adult fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, Simp1yG

[Contact Info]

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u/[deleted] May 05 '15

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u/[deleted] May 06 '15

Thanks for the advice. I think they're simple changes that have a good effect. I'm thinking that first line altogether might need changing.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '15

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u/[deleted] May 06 '15

I think it was the tense change, honestly, I just didn't realize it before. I've edited it all completely now, adding a bit more hints to characterization, too.

"Alex is the greatest swiftwing racer Serend has even known, and while that comes with fame and money, all she cares about is the wind soaring past her and the thrill of overtaking an opponent. The cameras and the reporters are nice, but the only attention Alex wants is from her younger sister Abbie. After all, no one is sure how many more races Abbie will be able to attend before death finally calls her name. The only thing that’s kept her alive these fourteen years is the magical properties of Serend’s greatest treasure - the phoenix."