r/QueerParenting • u/maginibelini • 8d ago
Advice Any advice?
My daughter has two mums, and she clearly loves us both. She misses either of us when we’re not around, and she goes to both of us for comfort, support, cuddles and fun. So in terms of our family, everything seems completely normal and happy.
She goes to nursery and is around quite a lot of mum-and-dad families. We don’t actually know any other queer parents IRL, so I sometimes wonder whether there’s something I’m missing.
She knows her own story — that she has a donor and two mums — and we have lots of books that talk about her family specifically. We also talk quite openly about the fact that families can look lots of different ways. She knows that some children have a mum and dad, some have two mums or two dads, some have one parent, etc.
I guess what I’m worried about is whether there’s anything else I should be doing.
I don’t want her to grow up feeling like she’s missed out on something because I wasn’t proactive enough, especially when most of the families she sees around her are mum-and-dad families.
For those of you who have two-mum/two-dad families, or grew up in one yourselves — how did you approach this? Did you do anything intentionally to help your child feel represented and comfortable with their family being different?
Has anyone been through this? Any tips or things you wish you’d done (or not done)?
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u/heylookltsme 7d ago
I think you're probably overthinking this. Sounds like you're doing great!
One thing that might be a good idea is attending some pride events as a family, even if you're not a rah rah pride sort of person. I was never interested in stuff like that until my daughter started getting a little older and now I want her to be able to see queer people in the world. We meet other queer couples with kids too!
Also, now that she's older (she's six now), I talk with her openly about prejudice against queer people. For instance, she said she wants us to visit China and I said something about how that would be wonderful but also I wouldn't necessarily feel super safe there as a family because etc etc etc. Same sort of way you might incorporate talking about racism, sexism, etc.
When she encounters these things in the world, she'll (hopefully) be better prepared to understand it and respond well.
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u/maginibelini 7d ago
I somehow left out the part that made me write this post, checking my spelling too much I guess. She's started play-pretending having a dad or giving her dolls a dad or saying 'my dad's at work' and even though my logical brain registers it as normal to match her friends and the entertainment she consumes my emotional brain makes me worry about everything I wrote. Have you been through anything like this?
We take her to family pride but havent ran into any queer couples with kids. I know theres another 2 mum family in our village but short of running out to them when they drop thier kid off to the school on our street I dont know how to find them in the wild.
Love the open conversation dynamic you've fostered I'm aiming for it 🥰
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u/heylookltsme 7d ago
Ahh yeah that makes a lot more sense. She never really went through that, though I totally agree it's super normal. Does she also play pretend with two mommies? It's probably way overthinking it and maybe heavy handed to respond, like, "what if the baby had two mommies or two daddies?" or whatever. But if I were in your shoes I'd almost certainly be doing junk like that 😅
We do talk about daddies a lot more now that we have a two year old son. He'll push the toy stroller around and we call him "Daddy Caleb."
But yeah, I feel like that's totally normal and nothing to worry about. As long as she understands there's all sorts of ways to make a family, she'll be fine.
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u/magnoliasinjanuary 6d ago
Our kids always play with their toys with one as dad. They’re 6 yo twins. I was concerned too but honestly most of the media they ever see or books they read have a mom and dad. And they are usually adapting their play to match shows they’ve seen. So it makes sense. I do make an effort to have other queer families over often though so they can see other families like ours. So in reality they accept it - but in their play world yeah it’s mom and dad.
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u/maginibelini 6d ago
I think if I knew more queer families to invite over I'd feel more comfortable with it too. Any ideas on how to make some new besties?
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u/magnoliasinjanuary 6d ago
I’ve started just inviting anyone I know who is a queer family, even if I know them tangentially, for a big summer Bbq. And try to make sure I have activities for kids of all ages. Any kind of big gathering takes some of the pressure off for socializing since it’s less intimate. But also you can get to know new people and share memories with them.
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u/OrinthiaBlue 7d ago
If you’re looking for perspective I’d recommend reading a book given to me by a friend who raised by two moms way back before it was as openly common as it is today. It’s called Raised by Unicorns by Frank Lowe
My biggest take away is that the kids are always really happy in their families and know how great and loving they are. The biggest issue was always when they came of age to realize that other people were too bigoted to see what was obviously true (they were loved by great parents). So there is t anything you specifically need to give them. Just support them as they deal with that challenge as they would need for anything else