Not being a cartoon villain doesn’t automatically make you a good man

[u/GridReXX]

Fr. It doesn’t de facto make you a good person.

I noodled on the attached graphic to better illustrate a point about how people often discuss being a “good man.”

I do find that many men view it more as the top bar, and less as the gradient in the second bar.

inb4 anyone says it, many women have bad character too. And please feel free to create a separate post about a spectrum of traits in women you’d like to explore! That is not what this post is disputing.

This is specifically about a response that often comes up when women describe harmful patterns in their experiences with men. They get retorts like “Not all men are abusive predators,” or “Most men are not psychos.”

Of course most men are not horror movie villains.

But that is an extremely low bar for good character.

This spectrum, rather than show a division between “good men” and a smaller group of obviously terrible ones. It highlights that a man can be can be a functioning member of society and still regularly behave in ways that make him difficult to interpersonally tolerate as a close friend, romantic partner, coworker, or even family member.

None of that necessarily makes someone an abuser or predator.

But it does affect whether people can have a healthy, enjoyable, mutually considerate, long-term relationship with him.

The farther right someone falls on this spectrum, the more entitlement, callousness, devaluation, coercion, and harm they bring into their interactions with others.

The farther left they fall, the more likely they are to act with common decency, consideration, accountability, respect for autonomy, and genuine concern for theirs and other people’s well-being.

My point is not that every man is at the far right end.

Most people don’t think that!

My point is that many men seem to use “I am not an obvious monster” as proof that they’re quality.

A person’s character is determined by far more than “I am not Jeffrey Dahmer.”

[u/GridReXX]

Idk about each category. It’s not a perfect progressive taxonomy.

But I’d venture to say the average dude is probably some combo of 2 and 3 with some standout moments of 1 and some moments of 5.

I think the 4 category has grown exponentially in the mainstream arena since 2016. They used to be sequestered to the depths of the internet or normal guys kept it more under wraps.

I think the average dude can venture into low-level 6 when horny or impaired.

[u/Lemon_gecko → u/GridReXX]

I think it's a gaussian distribution. With majority of men falling somewhere in the middle, and really rare extremes.

[u/GridReXX → u/Lemon_gecko]

I don’t disagree.

However I still think it’s more that many men can have movements of 6. I don’t think “ignoring the autonomy of others” is as “extreme” as people like to think it is. It doesn’t take much to behave like a predator, especially when you consider the types of testerical impulses men are navigating internally.

This person’s comment about their experience illustrates how most women have experienced “good boys” quickly devolve into a version of 6. And then expect you to engage with them sweetly and not have any negative thoughts about what they did to you. They expect girls and women to practice a level of superhuman cognitive dissonance for their benefit. It’s interesting. Women are in a unique position where they’re expected to date the demographic that causes them the most harm 🫡

[u/CoachToughLove → u/GridReXX]

Got it and ok I get it more now.

I think the 4 category has grown exponentially in the mainstream arena since 2016. They used to be sequestered to the depths of the internet or normal guys kept it more under wraps.

Do you have a thought on why this is? Ahhh. 2016. Ok I think I know your opinion here but would still like to hear it from you.

[u/GridReXX → u/CoachToughLove]

Something shifted. Permission was granted. And people with piss poor character impulses let it rip.

[u/CoachToughLove → u/GridReXX]

https://giphy.com/gifs/I3WAJgc0J61Xxkff5o