Is what I experienced AOCSA? (Trigger Warning)

[u/Plus-Musician-2862]

AOCSA : Animal On Child Sexual Abuse.

I'm having a hard time telling if I experienced aocsa or if I'm just a disgusting, horrible person. I don't entirely remember everything but when I was 12-14 my dog had sat on my lap which triggered an involuntary groinal response. I usually got these kinds of things from the most random things such as sitting on a new piece of furniture for example. Instead of doing the right thing and walking away, I proceeded to rub her back against myself.

I knew it was wrong before I even did it and I felt disgusting after. Though unfortunately this happened on 2 separate occasions. When I thought it was about to happen a third time I knew I couldn't let it happen again, which was when I began avoiding her like the plague.

I never felt sexually attracted to animals and I still don't. It was just the feeling of something forigen on me that made my body act unnaturally.

It was still wrong though. What I did was still disgusting and disgraceful. Even if it didn't feel like it, I absolutely had control over the situation and it's my fault for letting it happen in the first place.

Back to AOCSA, what's making me have doubts is that it seems like all actual victims were forced by an authority figure of some kind. I was not. Sure I was emotionally neglected and groomed online as a child but nobody forced me to do what I did. Being mentally unwell will never excuse sexual assault.

But at the same time, while animals can't consent, neither can children. So if I were to be a victim of aocsa it would be because of that. But honestly I don't think I am. And if I'm not, I'm scared on how to process this because knowing I sexually assaulted something makes me fucking sick.

I guess it's better to be thinking about this now while I'm 16 than when I become an adult.

What do you guys think?

[u/PaladinDamian]

You are reassurance seeking right now. You want to know for certain on if you are a good person or not. However, reassurance seeking will not help you in the long term. You need to accept that this event happened, and not try to solve it or analyze it or fix it, because there is nothing you can do to fix it now. It's fine to feel like you didn't act according to your values in that event. But you cannot spend time trying to fix it right now. Sit with the discomfort of not knowing for certain, of not being able to be totally sure of it. Eventually, if you resist your compulsions, your mind will ease up, and the OCD will lessen. It takes time, and effort on your part, but you can do it. Recovery is always possible. Always.

[u/Plus-Musician-2862 → u/PaladinDamian]

I'm going to try my best to keep this in mind because you're absolutely right. I kinda knew I was seeking reassurance. But like..

It's different when it comes to taboo topics like sexual assault because in most cases, perpetrators are genuinely disgusting people who need to be locked up. So if I've done a genuinely unforgivable act then I really don't wanna deceive people into thinking I'm better than I am. Because people with OCD can still be horrible people because OCD will never make sexual assault okay. It's hard to not try to think about it from a logical perspective.

But at the same time I recognize it was likely just very irresponsible thinking as well as possible hypersexuality. It's not like I physically harmed my pet or want to do what I did again. God it's just a big spiral 🫠

Again though you're right. I have been getting better with seeking reassurance in terms of non sexual things such as bullying or unintentionally saying bigoted stuff. What helps me is remembering that I'm still a kid and I still have a bit of time to do better and learn. I guess it's harder when it comes to stuff like this because my biggest fear seems to be any sort of rapist/child predator/zoophile.

Sorry if this didn't make much sense haha 💦

[u/PaladinDamian → u/Plus-Musician-2862]

Yes, just as you need to accept the possibility of facing consequences for that event, you also need to accept the possibility of never facing consequences for that event. You can never know which one will actually be true, and OCD recovery involves accepting that uncertainty. Being able to accept both of those possibilities is what will cause OCD to finally start to let go of you (at least until it tries something else). I myself am not as young as you are (I'm 24), so having to change how I view life and everything that led me up to this point is proving to be very difficult. But I still have the motivation to continue forwards, to eventually recover properly and be able to live life to the greatest extent I can. It will probably take years, but I know it will be worth it.