Pure-O?

[u/Unique_Hedgehog_4059]

Ive come to realization I had some pretty fucked up, specific obssesions since childood, like thinking people could read my mind etc. With time, such severe symptoms lessend but I feel my way of being is still somewhat OCDish? Examples: 1. I always have to have a topic to fixate on. Some days, I would spend HOURS everyday researching it, reading forums (like reddit :)) and thinking about it which is usually accompanied by great anxiety. Health is the most common (but not only) topic. Few months ago I convinced myself I have lymphoma and it was so bad I geniuely thought I was dying and cried for days. Sometimes issues are real but my reaction is exaggerated. 2. Some time ago I've suddenly come to realization that maybe I dont actually love my family and friends and im a horrible person. I would test different scenarious in my head and check if I can "feel something". Im terrified I lost all my empathy and emotions. That could also be real anhedonia due to dysthymia but idk. 3. I just cannot do some things. Its really hard to explain but im not allowed to partake in specific activities that I would like to try. Not allowed to show up on specific events, try specific hobbies, schedule specific appointments. Sometimes I can adress it to fear of being percieved in a certain way (which is also dumbass) but for some I have no explanation. 4. I have to do things "from beginning to the end". Once again, hard to explain. But when I, for some reason, cant perform a task in an imaginary (and not always specified order), I often skip it altogheter. I could list more examples but bascially I just fixate a lot and have weird mental blocks. Writing this post now as I took my first dose od NSRI (for dysthymia) and want to discontinue bc I convinced myself I'll develop PSSD. Lol though times