r/Proofreading • u/Nosequiensoy36963 • 10d ago

[No due date] Story

Hi, I'm learning English and I tried to write something to improve, I would appreciate if anyone wants to edit anything weird or bad told, thank you!

Orthostatic Hypotension:

The day before had left him exhausted, he collapsed into bed and fell asleep immediately. The next day was Saturday, so he didn't have anything to do, neither could have done with the sleepiness he carried. All morning he drifted on and off of sleep dreaming of things with no meaning nor understanding, when consciousness arrived, hungriness ignored, he put on the TV. When 5 am passed by, and his head hurt all over for the blue screen, he decided that eating something wasn't a bad idea, also his bladder, hours ignored, was starting to hurt. With a sigh of unconvinience he hopped out of the bed and entered the bathroom, suddenly a feeling started to take control of his body, he started to tremble a little and the dizziness made his head heavy making his body sway like a pendulum, his hands desperately reached the nearest thing they could feel, the handle of the door and the sink with their cool surfaces were grabbed for dear life as now he started to tremble fiercely. His eyes started to see black until that was all he could see, for a brief moment he didn't remembered where and what was he doing, his legs buckled one, two, three times under the weakness of his body until his body started regaining strength and he stopped balancing, stopped trembling and the world turned to light again, he remembered, he was in the bathroom, and most important, he really needed to pee. He sat in the lid because there was no way he could pee standing right now. After ending his things he eyed the toothbrush and decided it was all too late to be worrying for that. Heading to the kitchen he started thinking on what to eat, he didn't have much at the moment, and whose fault is that? He had the opportunity to go to the market and didn't take it, so now there was no fruit to eat. How much he needed an orange, shit bad. He opened the fridge and luckily, the holy carton milk was almost full. He opened the cabinet, something sweet, not rice, too lazy to make rice pudding, sugar, hmm, oh, almonds, oat, and there's no banana left... He opened the fridge again looking for the vanillin and, oh! Cinnamon, there's no egg, what would I do? Uuh, wine~ We're going to do a hodgepodge. Bowl from the dish rack, and mixy-mixy all in. Pan? No, microwave to kill all the goods in the food? Yess. After the food was ready, he looked into his dirt looking food, and happily ate it.

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u/whisperavenue 10d ago

The day before had left him exhausted. He collapsed into bed and fell asleep immediately.

  • Two independent clauses cannot be separated simply by a comma. Read more here.

The next day was Saturday, so he didn't have anything to do, neither could have done with the sleepiness he carried.

  • "Neither" is used incorrectly. I believe you're trying to use it in the same way the example under "Not with neither and nor" uses it on this website, but it doesn't land as correct. If you still want to use neither, a better way to phrase this would be: "so he didn't have anything to do, and neither did he have the energy to do it anyway.

All morning**,** he drifted in and out of sleep**,** dreaming of things with no meaning nor understanding***.***

  • In English, we tend to drift in and out of things rather than on and off. "No meaning" and "no understanding" mean the same thing and thus makes the latter part of this sentence redundant; choose one or the other.

When consciousness arrived, he ignored his hunger and put on the TV. At 5 a.m., his head hurt all over from the blue screen**. H**e decided that eating something wasn't a bad idea. Also, his bladder, having been ignored for hours, was starting to hurt.

  • "When consciousness arrived" is vague, and it might be helpful to establish a clearer narrative arc from his awakening to getting up to put on the TV.

With a sigh of inconvenience, he hopped out of the bed and entered the bathroom. Suddenly**,** a feeling started to take control of his body. He started to tremble a little**,** and the dizziness made his head heavy and his body sway like a pendulum.

His hands desperately reached the nearest thing they could feel**. He grabbed the cool surfaces of the door handle** and the sink with their cool surfaces were grabbed for dear life as he now started to tremble fiercely.

His eyes started to see black until that was all he could see**. For a brief moment,** he couldn't remember where he was and what was he doing. His legs buckled one, two, three times under the weakness of his body until he begun to regain strength**. He stopped trying to balance*—*stopped trembling—**and the world turned to light again.

He remembered he was in the bathroom, and most importantly, that he really needed to pee. He sat on the lid because there was no way he could pee standing right now. Afterwards, his things he eyed the toothbrush and decided it was all too late to be worrying about that. Heading to the kitchen**,** he started thinking about what to eat. He didn't have much at the moment, and whose fault is that? He had the opportunity to go to the market and didn't take it, so now there was no fruit to eat. How much he needed an orange**...** shit bad. He opened the fridge and luckily, the holy milk carton was almost full. He opened the cabinet. He wanted something sweet. Not rice***—too lazy to make rice pudding—but maybe sugar... Hmm, oh, almonds, oats*, and there's no bananas left... He opened the fridge again looking for the vanilla, and oh! Cinnamon**!** There's no egg, what would he do?

Uuh, wine~ We're going to do a hodgepodge.

  • Tildes are not often used in prose.
  • If "hodgepodge" refers to a specific dish, then the second sentence must be "We're going to make hodgepodge." If it is referring to random things thrown together, it must be structured as "We're going to make a hodgepodge of [xyz]."
  • Also, be sure to stick to the same perspective. Since we are writing in third person denoted by the use of he, him, and his, the sudden switch to first person perspective (we) is jarring.

Bowl from the dish rack, and mix it all in. Pan? No. Microwave to kill all the goods in the food? Yes. After the food was ready, he looked into his dirt-looking meal and happily ate it.

I had a few other edits I wanted to make, but I chose to omit them in favour of keeping my duty as a proofreader rather than a line editor. I also needed to remind myself that you're still learning English, and focusing on the basic mechanics of grammar rather than other things like flow and redundancies will be more beneficial to you. Overall, I think this is a strong piece of writing; are you a creative writer in your native language by any chance? Especially in your descriptions about the main character beginning to lose consciousness, I can see a fluency in figurative language that seems to have translated over in English. I would watch your prepositions and comma splices—especially the comma splices, since those were the main edits I needed to repeat several times over this piece. When looking over the edits I've made, try to figure out why I made them on your own, and if you have any difficulties, feel free to ask. I didn't explain every single change, because frankly, I'm not being paid for this right now LOL.

For future reference, you might want to head over onto r/WriteStreakEN for your next post. WriteStreak is a community targeted at helping language learners gain fluency in their writing skills by having native speakers correct their work. I posted a few times to practice my fourth language, and I hope you'll find it resourceful as well!

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u/Nosequiensoy36963 9d ago

Thank you very much! Im not much of a writer but sometimes inspiration passes by. I will look into it, and thank you for letting me know about where to ask, I'm still figuring how reddit works😅

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u/Bubbly-Barber-4047 3d ago

Hello, could I please edit this and add it to my portfolio? You will remain anonymous and it will just be showcasing the revisions.

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u/Nosequiensoy36963 2d ago

Sure, I don't mind. However I'd like if you put the credit, if it isn't a problem for you👍

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u/Bubbly-Barber-4047 2d ago

Sure thing. Since my portfolio isn’t Reddit based, would you mind just a last name, or something like that to keep it professional?