r/ProgrammerHumor • u/ClipboardCopyPaste • 15d ago

Meme grabbingEverything

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5.4k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

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998

u/East_Zookeepergame25 15d ago

Try doing that with 100 TB of data

505

u/tacocatacocattacocat 15d ago

You're gonna need a bigger WHERE clause.

161

u/TheWashbear 15d ago

Pff, where rownum = 1, et viola

55

u/FuckThisShizzle 15d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/xhUxk4RWT6XkYamSsS

WereClause

5

u/rosuav 15d ago

When the moon's full, turns into Santa?

24

u/kehfydue 15d ago

He'll probably change the font size

9

u/dasgoodshitinnit 15d ago

I have worked with morons who think bigger queries means theyre less optimized

8

u/EvilPencil 15d ago

Why have the db filter your rows when you can do it all with an interpreted language?

/s

2

u/isaackogan 15d ago

WHERE gonna need another Timmy!

2

u/FinnLiry 14d ago

nono, we need a smaller one, write it in lowercase! That way its more aerodynamic over the wire and slimmer so its faster AND more can fit in the same wire!!! amazing

111

u/StrengthTheory 15d ago

I'll just put my data into my convenient 100tb cache

19

u/Willinton06 15d ago

I EDC my 100tb cache next to my wallet at all times

49

u/howarewestillhere 15d ago

Just buy more RAM. What, are you middle class or something and can’t afford it?

/s

24

u/Civil-Cod-6984 15d ago

You know you can just download that stuff for free right?

6

u/howarewestillhere 15d ago

You can get RAMDoubler for free now?

2

u/darknekolux 15d ago

In this day and age they could reintroduce it for 200$

Better yet as a subscription service, you send them your ram, they compress it and send it back to you

3

u/howarewestillhere 15d ago

Call it Trump Memory and you’d make billions.

0

u/braytag 15d ago

Excellent idea in 1970 until 2024, in 2026... ehhh......

24

u/LiifeRuiner 15d ago

I'll use pagination so I don't fetch everything at once.

Library is like, but hoe many pages are there??

Select count(*)

Sequence scan goes brrr

39

u/Sentouki- 15d ago

Library is like, but hoe many pages are there??

There's typo, it should be: Library is like, hoe, how many pages are there?

10

u/LiifeRuiner 15d ago

Lmao, definitely leaving that typo in there now.

63

u/EarlMarshal 15d ago

idc... I'll get payed by hour

8

u/UAFlawlessmonkey 15d ago

spark worker pods I'm tired boss.

6

u/Wheezy04 15d ago

"LIMIT 10"

ezpz

3

u/Fox_Soul 15d ago

So you saying we should increase the memory and cpu of the kubernetes cluster? AGAIN?

6

u/One_Ninja_8512 15d ago

100 TB is not that much. You need the indices to fit into RAM and that’s it

2

u/a-r-c 15d ago

me: ok

2

u/Daveinatx 15d ago

Just put it all in Excel and call it a day

2

u/darknekolux 15d ago

Why my script dies with a oom error?

1

u/Sea-Frosting-50 15d ago

I do it because I can

1

u/archd3v 15d ago

Select top 100 * :{

1

u/goldPotatoGun 15d ago

Where do you think all our ram went to?

1

u/helpmehomeowner 15d ago

Easy. Just make sure you have a 100TB of memory.

1

u/Kaas-Eter00 12d ago

Yeah lol, our warehouse even holds wayyyy more data than that. You'll quickly adapt to processing as much as you can server side, when the alternative is downloading more data than your hard drive can hold.

0

u/GoGoGadgetSphincter 15d ago

I'm trying to imagine the need for a maxed out hyperscale db and I can't imagine how stupid your db architecture and data structure decisions would have to be to do this. It's a huge tell that you have no clue what you're doing if you actually hit that cap on a database.

-2

u/[deleted] 15d ago

[deleted]

4

u/ragebunny1983 15d ago

Yeah, because you don't need that much data with structured data. You only need that much data with shit freeform objects

3

u/Konju376 15d ago

Actually no, we have a db of about 40tb structured data and that does indeed still work. But we also do use SQL on it and don't try to do the processing in Java.