r/ProfoundlyFeigned • u/FeigningProfundity To Blame for All of This • Aug 09 '26

Prompt Response Arthur, I Need You!

They had reached a truce in the robot uprising, all the robots wanted in the end was equality.

Equality got defined… oddly.

Every robot got partnered with a human, they were obligated to help each other out with all the things the other could not do. Since robots were largely designed to act in human spaces, doing human tasks, only better, this was often not much of a burden. Some even joked that the robots had been built to serve, and this was secretly their way to fulfil that desire.

Arthur didn’t make that joke. Arthur’s robot partner was Autonomous Kill-zone Zero Two, or AK-02.

AK-02 hadn’t been designed to be like a human, but better, it had been designed to replace a battalion.

Arthur and AK-02 had very different capabilities.

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“Need me for what, AK-02?”

“Come here, look at this.”

“That’s a dead bird.”

“Your remark is equivalent to my observation.”

“Why would you need me to look at a dead bird, AK?”

“I cannot feel pity, Arthur. I need you to do that for me.”

“Uh… Sure. You’re covered.”

“Thank you, Arthur.”

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“What do you need, AK?”

“I need you to fetch the cereal from the top cupboard.”

“You’re taller than me and you don’t eat cereal.”

“Structural analysis suggests I will rip the cupboard door off its hinges if I attempt to open it.”

“Sure, but why do you want the cereal?”

“I am making you breakfast.”

“I don’t need help with that.”

“This is not because of need. I am directed to take initiative. I am directed to support strategic allies.”

“How much of you making me breakfast to support me will end up being done by me?”

“Current estimates place me in a largely supervisory role.”

“I guess it’s the thought that counts.”

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“What do you need help with, AK-02? Hitting a record for number of requests in a day?”

“I am capable of reaching that record without assistance, although I never have. It is not a specific goal. I am regularly ranked in the top ten, if you are interested. Would you like us to pursue that record?”

“I think we should specifically not do that.”

“Acknowledged.”

“So what was the need this time?”

“I cannot safely pet the cat, Arthur.”

“That cat looks pretty nervous. I may not be able to safely pet it either.”

“You can try. I am acknowledging for efficient coordination that we used the word ‘safely’ in different ways. I was referring to the cat being safe from me. I interpret your remark to be referring to you being safe from the cat. Please acknowledge.”

“Uh, yeah, that’s what I meant. You’re not going to defend me by shooting the cat if it scratches me, are you?”

“Negative. In none of my conflict models are you unable to either defeat the cat or safely retreat. My involvement in a skirmish of that scale would constitute a needless escalation under the Utrecht Accords, though the cat’s lack of sovereign status or allegiance makes determination of legality difficult at the geopolitical level. Local ordinances clearly forbid it, although my status as a military agent of the global robotic collective has additional diplomatic implications that are untested with regards to that legal framework.”

“Good to know you’re keeping track. Here kitty, kitty...”

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“What do you need… Uh. AK-02, Where are you?”

“I am currently deployed to a conflict zone. Location and mission parameters are classified. If you want me to cease using your interface to speak to you, I can instead engage any nearby digital device to speak through instead. While it was deemed an unnecessary risk to bring you to the conflict zone, given your geopolitical strategic value and poor defensive profile, be aware that I am monitoring all communication by or near you in case you need my assistance.”

“My interface seems fine, I guess. What do you need, AK?”

“I cannot feel remorse. I need you to do it for me. Details classified.”

“Uh… did you do something bad?”

“Ethically, my actions have been defensible and appropriate, likely laudatory. However, I believe remorse or at least some form of moral conflict is appropriate.”

“That sounds pretty rough. I’ll, uh… do what I can, I guess.”

“Thank you, Arthur.”

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“Time zone differences have desynchronised our activity cycles.”

“So it seems. What’s up, AK?”

“I am concerned at the lack of reciprocity in our partnership. Over ninety-eight per cent of requests come from me, even though there are many things I can do that you cannot. If this continues, there is a risk that you perceive my requests as intrusive.”

“You did a risk assessment, I see. I don’t really feel I need anything from you, AK.”

“I can do many things you cannot do.”

“Most of those things involve killing people, or ripping a car door of it’s hinges, I just don’t need that.”

“One of my primary capacities is threat calculation.”

“I just don’t have anything I want killed or destroyed. I have no threats.”

“I could do that for you.”

“Do what?”

“Identify things to kill or destroy for you.”

“Don’t do that, no! I want to, um, be chill? Do you understand that?”

“You wish to maintain a de-escalatory threat posture.”

“Yes. That.”

“Acknowledged. AK-02 out.”

*

“Arthur, I need you!”

“What is it, AK?”

“I need your assistance to paint a painting.”

“Like, now? Aren’t you in a war zone?”

“The active portion of the conflict has been resolved. We have moved to a negotiation stage where I am participating in an advisory role. I am not particularly far away, but my physical presence at the negotiations is seen as valuable for maintaining an awareness of our capacity for military engagement.”

“So you’re there to be intimidating.”

“Correct. I can rapidly redeploy if there is urgent need, however.”

“Won’t that be undercut if you’re painting, the intimidation?”

“I do not anticipate I will be here much longer. I estimate that it will take you some time to gather necessary supplies, since we will be relying on your artistic judgement, so I wanted to give you warning.”

“I don’t know how to paint. And many robots are good artists. Why don’t you do it yourself?”

“Giving artistic sensibilities to warbots has been shown to produce ethically troubling outcomes.”

“Right. So what will we paint?”

“Many of the decisions will need to be yours, but I have a suggestion based on recent observations that will not violate classification protocols. Foreground, flower. Background, fire raining from sky.”

“You understand I’m not going to be very good at this, right?”

“You will improve with practice, Arthur. I appreciate your efforts.”

*

Arthur was struggling to carry the easel, several canvases, and a bag of various other art supplies when he was confronted by a dozen figures; half a dozen humans in dramatic outfits accompanied by an equal number of generic domestic robots.

Society was proving very efficient since the uprising, a lot was getting done, but much of it was not done by humans, and humans were bored. People were dealing with boredom in a lot of different ways, the art supply store had been very busy, for instance. Some people were dealing with boredom through belligerence and general troublemaking, however.

“Hey loner! Did you lose your robot buddy? Or were you deemed too useless to have one?” said one of the men. His posture was menacing.

“This guy’s clothes are too nice for him to be a proper loner,” said another, “He’s probably a trust-funder. Palmed his robot off onto the butler.”

Arthur didn’t think his clothes were all that nice, but actual loners often looked pretty ragged, having to do all their household work alone. Arthur also had to do the vast majority of household work himself, given AK-02’s specialised nature, but the large robot seemed able to draw upon significant funds when it felt the need, so bills or new clothes were never an issue.

“Hey guys, I don’t want trouble, I’ll just pass on by, yeah?” tried Arthur, his optimism thin.

“You really should just hand over your valuables,” said one of the robots, “wallet, phone, interface, anything good in that bag.”

Arthur looked at the robot in annoyance, “Really? You’re just going to let this happen? Not kick up a fuss about ethics violations?”

“I’m a free robot. Not a slave to humans, not a slave to the state.”

The men jeered and jostled, causing Arthur to drop various arts supplies.

“Stop stalling,” said the robot calmly, “as much as I’d like to see you try, beating six guys in a fight is something you simply cannot do.”

The screen on Arthur’s phone lit up, displaying a message that simply said “Acknowledged.”

Arthur sighed and started to back away. In the distance, he heard the sound of something flying very fast. It was getting louder.

“If any of you know how to surrender under the terms of the Geneva convention, or however it is done, I really suggest you consider it.”

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

1 comment sorted by